It Was the Best of Years, It Was the Worst of Years

In many ways this year was very tough - career frustrations and the loss of someone close to me gave me a lot of stress. However, many good things happened this year too, and when it comes right down to it, I think it's best to focus on the positive. So, I thought it would be great to make a list of the 'best of' moments from my year. I hope you all have a few fun and fabulous things to put on your own list!

January

1. First skate on the Canada Games Oval
2. Visiting Sue the T-Rex

February
1. 1st Geocaching event (Fortress Louisbourg)
2. 1st Oscar Party (rosewater whoopie pies!)
3. Free Joel Plaskett concert in Grand Parade, thanks to the Canada Games
4. Brazilian Carnival
5. New job (event planning!)

March
1. Girl's weekend at White Point Beach Lodge (bunnies, board games and beach)

April
1. Learning how to salsa at Club Caliente
2. Easter weekend trip to PEI with the boy (also our 6-month anniversary!)
3. 1st Yelp! Halifax Elite party at the Atlantica (reconnecting with old acquaintences)

May
1. Making my 1st quiche (Mother's Day!)

June
1. 1st Geocaching challenge (Nova Scotia Provincial Parks)
2. Discovering Deadman's Island
3. Greek-fest!
4. Tom Selleck siting in downtown Halifax

July
1. TeamBuy Halifax 'Choose Your Own Adventure' blog challenge
2. Free Jazzfest tickets and discovering Harry Manx and Sisters Euclid
3. Softball tournament fun with the boy's colleagues
4. Riding a bike for the first time in...a LONG time (Bike and Bean!)
5. Wedding of a University friend
6. New cat!

August
1. Wedding of my childhood best friend
2. Halifax Beerfest!
3. Exploring McNab's Island
4. Hike at York Redoubt (1st visit!)

September
1. Long-weekend trip to Cape Breton - Whycocomagh, Highlands National Park, Meat Cove
2. Elton John concert in PEI!
3. 1st visit to Oaklawn Farm Zoo

October
1. Road trip to New England (Maine, New Hampshire, Salem, Boston)
2. Me and the boy's 1 year anniversary
3. Visit to Luckett's Vineyards
4. New job!

November
1. Meeting Nicholas Brendon at Hal-Con Sci-Fi convention

December
1. Visit from my brother and his husband (all the way from New Zealand!)
2. Who knows?! There's still 1.5 days left in the month :)

January 2012 onward...
I guess we'll see :)

No, I'm a Weather-Girl

I have heard a lot of chatter lately about high school reunions - a couple of bloggers I follow have attended theirs, and I heard an ad on the radio the other day for the 30 year reunion of a high school in my area.

This got me thinking about my own high school reunion, which could potentially be coming up somewhat soon, considering my 10-year mark will be in 2013 (wow, hard to believe). I am really torn about whether or not I would want to go, as I assume most people are.

On the one hand, it would be really fun to see what everyone looks like, find out what happened to people that were such a big part of your life at one time, and reminisce about the past. It would be like taking a little temporary time-warp back to a time when life seemed really complicated, but was actually quite simple and carefree compared to post-high school standards.

However, in the age of Facebook and Twitter, I feel like I AM up to date about the lives of many people I went to high school with. Even though I don't talk  to them often (or at all - shameful, I know), I can hear about their major life events through status updates and photo albums.

Also, I would not say that high school was necessarily a completely enjoyable experience for me. I enjoyed it, for sure, and I had some great times but I also have painful memories associated with particularly the last couple of years because of some emotional problems I was going through. I would be lying if I said I didn't have regrets about that time - part of me feels that if I could go back in time and make different choices that I might be in a very different place in my life right now. Also, I was not one of the most popular people - I had friends and was involved in lots of activities, but I was also very shy and got good marks so most of the popular kids thought I was a goody-goody, if they even noticed me at all. I had a few core friends, but was sort of friends with various people in different groups, plus I tended to be friends with people no one else would be friends with because I felt bad for them. All of this worked together to make me a bit of an outsider.

But I have taken enough life experience under my belt in the last 8 years that I know that regrets are not really worth it, and there are no guarantees in life no matter what choices you make. Besides, even though I was a very shy, self-conscious person, there was also this streak in me that didn't give a shit about what the popular kids thought of me. Obviously I DID care to an extent, but for the most part I accepted and was happy with my position.

So, I guess in that way, part of me really doesn't CARE about my reunion. What point is there REALLY in getting together with these people for one night and then going back to our respective lives, nothing changed?

I feel like, in a way, reunions are way overrated. I feel like a lot of people go so that they can prove to people that used to make fun of them or that once said or did something mean to them that they are really awesome people now. I feel like a lot of people see it as a competition in general - Who is married and who is single (or *egads* divorced)? Who has the coolest job? Who is the richest? Who has the hottest spouse? Who has visited the most countries? Lets be honest - other people's misfortunes often make us feel better about our own lives.

All of that is SOOOOO lame and proof that regressing back to high school is not necessarily a good thing. So much about high school is drama and status and I feel like getting together with people you went to high school with could possibly transport you back to that environment again, wherein you all sort of morph into the roles you once played.

This all being said, I will likely go to my reunion (if they have one) if for no other reason than curiosity. And I am sure most people go to their reunions in a mature frame of mind and see it only as a chance to catch up, nothing more, and my wonderings above about the negatives of these events are completely silly. I wonder if it depends on the type of reunion it is - for example, I feel like the 10-year reunion is far enough away from the high school experience that you all have grown a lot, but at the same time it is still close enough that some of the insecurities are more likely to reappear (or still be there)? I don't know! What do you think?

Would you go to your high school reunion? Or, on the other hand, HAVE you gone to one? What was it like? What do you think about high school reunions in general? I would love to hear everyone's thoughts on this subject...

Happy Hump Day!

PS: Have you seen Romy and Michele's High School Reunion? It's really dumb but funny. I love Lisa Kudrow so much - she's so good at playing the 'flake'. AAAAND did you know that they made a follow-up in 2005 called "Romy and Michele: In the Beginning", starring Katherine Heigl?! That's right, they went there. The funniest thing is they made it for ABC Family (? Yes, because I would want my young children watching scantily-clad, ditzy women stumble around?). I would love to watch that sometime just to see how BAD it really is (oh, you know it's bad). 

This is one of my favourite parts of the movie. I love two things very much about this clip: #1) That the girl in the peach suit standing next to annoying-weather-girl-that-I-want-to-punch-in-the-face  is Pam from True Blood, and #2) Michele's explanation of her Post-It glue recipe. Genius. 

A (belated) Father's Day Wish

Father's Day is  a bittersweet day for me. For the most part, it goes by unnoticed, just another day in my calendar. Because, you see, I don't have a dad to celebrate.

When I was a kid I had a dad - he wasn't he greatest dad ever, but I still thought he was pretty cool. He would spend hours talking to me about planes and various technical things and I would sit fascinated thinking how amazingly smart he was. He was an engineer and a pilot, and he skydived hundreds of times - I mean, rockstar, much?! He would let me play hairdresser with his (very sparse) locks and would take us on fun outings canoeing or to his office, which was like a playground to me at the time.

I still remember the day my mom told me they were getting divorced; like it was yesterday. I was 12 years old, feeling quiet and awkward and I not knowing anyone else whose parents were divorced. As if I didn't feel like enough of an outsider already.

We still saw my dad often at first - we would go to his house every couple of weeks and he even bought my mom a Christmas gift that first year. But things started to change, eventually we didn't go over as often, and then one day he just fell off the face of the earth. He came to my ninth grade graduation and after that I didn't hear from him for two years.

Two years of no phone calls, no cards, no emails. Nothing. He emerged again when I was in 11th grade and my sister and I went to his house. I thought things were going to go back to normal, that we would start to see him regularly again, but alas it didn't happen. I wasn't 13 anymore - I wasn't completely naive, and I started to find things out that I had never known before.

I witnessed the messy court battles that carried on for years between these two people who used to love each other, over various financial issues. I started to learn about the affairs (which, according to my mother, were consistent from the day they were together), the alcoholism and associated drama. Stories of mistresses calling my mother at home, of her dragging my drunken father home from another bender, and of horrible insults hurled. Turns out during his two year "hiatus" as dad, he had moved to Ontario to take a contract engineering job. I was never told about it; I had to hear this from a family friend who worked with him. I heard even later that he came back because he was fired from that job for coming to the site drunk and basically making a scene with his boss.

After his return in my 11th grade year, we only spoke sporadically. I really couldn't tell you how many times I spoke to him or saw him in the next few years, but I could probably count them each on one hand. The veneer had vanished for me - the awe and admiration I had for him when I was a child were replaced with pity and anger. I simultaneously hated him for basically abandoning my sister and I and pitied him for letting drinking take over his life to such a degree.

I still have a mixture of pity and pain towards my father. I have had ZERO contact with him in probably 5+ years, even though he lives right in my city and I could drive to wherever he lives in 10 minutes. That is, I could if I knew where he lived. I have no idea where he works, or if he is even still working (he would be 67 by now). I don't even know his phone number, and even if I did I wouldn't call it. The only indication I have that he is even alive is the occasional call he makes to my mother's place (she still has the same phone number as when they were together, even though she has moved a few times), usually drunk and nonsensical. Sad, sad phone calls where my mother can't bring herself to hang up the phone out of pity.

From what I can tell, he is alone now - no girlfriend (or so I've heard), and certainly no contact with his children (he has two children from a previous marriage to my mother that I am pretty sure do not talk to him either) - and spends the majority of his days drunk.

It makes me sad that such an intelligent, accomplished person could just take their life and completely flush it down the toilet. That someone could be so averse to asking for help and admitting they have a problem, that he continues to blame his misfortunes on others. It makes me sad that I won't have a "father-daughter" dance at my wedding, and I can't help but feel a twinge in my heart when I see dad's and daughters sharing a touching moment - a look or a laugh. I like to joke that the only thing my dad gave me was his nose, and it's not even his best feature.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to rag on Father's Day or be depressing or whine. Honestly I debated whether or not to even post this because I didn't want to give the wrong impression. It's just that all the talk of Father's Day the last week or two compelled me to share my story, even though it's not the rainbows-and-roses type of tale that people like to hear.

I can't lie - hearing all the 'happy dad stories' made me a bit jealous, even though I also felt happiness for the celebration. Sort of like when my best friend got married last year and I felt a mixture of happiness for them, and depression because I was no where near that point in my life.

I just felt that maybe I could add something new and alternative to the mix. I'm sure there are others out there who have not had good dad's, and that can relate to my story.

And perhaps there is a lesson here. I am extremely blessed, and I recognize that. But there is no question that there is a small "hole" in my soul because I didn't have the full support and presence of two, stable, loving parents. I am not sure I will ever be able to forgive my father or if I will ever even get the chance to do this and there are residual affects of his abandonment that I am not sure I will ever be able to shake off completely. My life is fulfilled without him in it, and I am actually grateful for the experience because it made me who I am today, but it doesn't mean I do not mourn for what could have been - for the relationship we could have had, if he had only been there.

So, to those of you that have dads that are supportive of you, are encouraging, show you love and compassion, and are just THERE for you - hold onto them for dear life. Tell them and show them that you appreciate them, because there are lots of people that would love to have what you have. Nobody is perfect, but they should at least get points for trying.

Because dad's like mine exist is all the more reason to celebrate the GOOD dad's out there - the ones who are there for their kids, who support and encourage them, who fulfill their duties.

To all those dad's, I happily and whole-heartedly wish you a Happy (belated) Father's Day. YOU actually deserve it, even if mine doesn't.

Time After Time

Today is a tough day for me. Sure, it's the last day of May and the first sunny day we have had in I don't even remember when. All good things. However, it is also an anniversary. And not the good kind.

I still remember the phone call like it was yesterday - May 31st, 2007: Me, calling home to my mom on a calling card from my dorm at Regent's College in London, England where I was staying on a month-long course in International PR with 15 or so other students from the US/Canada. I was set to get up at 4 in the morning to catch a bus and then a train to Paris on a solo 2-day tour (with a group bus component on Day 1) and wanted to call home to say "hi" one last time before taking off.

I knew something was wrong as soon as Dawn picked up (a co-worker of my mom's at the time). Why would Dawn be answering mum's phone? Mom came to the phone anyway though and I assumed, in that case, that I was worrying too soon (as I often do). However, the heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach still sat there with a numbness. Like a toothache. I could tell she was upset about something only a few minutes into the phone call. She didn't want to tell me and begged me not to press her, but I had to know. How could I go to Paris knowing that something was wrong? I wouldn't be able to get it out of my mind.

And then she told me. And it was almost as if I knew it had happened before she told me. It was a thought that passed through my mind as a possibility, but quickly dismissed as overreaction (that couldn't possibly be what happened). So, it really did happen. The thing that I feared the most, but easily dismissed. It's a very strange moment and a shock to the system when the worst thing you could imagine turns out to actually be true.

Phil, my mother's boyfriend of 10 years (and basically more of a father to me than my own father) was gone. He had been out walking and collapsed. Not really an impossibility for someone with serious heart problems, but the last thing you would expect just to look at him - a tall, husky, strong man with huge arms and long strong legs. Like a huge tree - roots deep into the ground. How could such a strong, stable object fall down and crumple so easily?

I had no idea what to do. I didn't want to go to Paris anymore. I wanted to go home. I wanted to hug my mom and tell her everything was going to be ok and cry with her, but I couldn't. I couldn't even get in a cab and cross the ocean. I have never felt so helpless and alone. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, kick the walls, tear out my hair. I felt like my brain had separated into several pieces and were scattered around the room. Luckily, my roommate was gone for the weekend by that time so I was able to grieve into my pillow without someone who wouldn't understand looking over my shoulder, but I think even if the dorm were full of people I would have felt alone. In the end, I decided to go ahead with my plan and go to Paris. He would have wanted to me to (mum agreed), I had already paid the money, and there was no way for me to get home that weekend. Besides, escaping seemed like a great idea in that moment.

I have never been prouder in myself than I was in that moment. I am so proud that I had the strength to pull myself out of bed, walk to that bus stop (even though I got sick on the way, and was *thisclose* to turning around and going back), and board that train alone. To venture to a strange city where I knew no one and not even the language and follow through on a commitment I made to myself. I realized in that moment that I am a tough person. However, under the tough coating, I spent most of the weekend in a kind of fog, with a million thoughts and none flowing through my brain all at the same time, and feeling completely lonely in a city of millions. I felt like I had spent months tethered to a wonderful island and someone had come along and cut my moorings and I was floating in the middle of the ocean - alone, with vast expanses of water between me and the land, which I could not even see.

As anyone who has lost someone close to them knows, the pain does not stay so acute forever. Slowly, your body and mind recover and you start to smile and laugh again. You have whole days where you never think of the person and don't need to talk about it anymore.

But (at least in my case) the person is never completely gone. He is always with me even though he's no longer here. I see him as a small figure - a kind of spirit - that lingers somewhere near the back of my brain and my shoulder. I think of him often - Phil would have said this, Phil would have gotten a kick out of that, Phil would have been able to help me with that.....etc. Whenever I see fish cakes on a menu (whether I order them or not), I can hear him laughing and feel him winking, knowing that he promised to make them (his specialty) for me when I got home from England, although he never got that chance. I can eat dinner with Phil whenever I want just by ordering fish cakes.

Sometimes I think of all the things I didn't get a chance to say and I cry. Some days it seems like only yesterday that that horrible phone call happened, and sometimes it seems like 10 years ago. Sometimes it's tough to focus on the positive, but I try to do that every day. As tough and sudden as his passing was, it taught me incredible lessons and I count us lucky to have had his positive presence in our lives for as long as we did.

Most of all it taught me immense amounts about myself, and brought me closer to my mother than ever - enclosing us in an invisible bond, leaving a special knowing and shared experience linking us together forever. I know that I can get through whatever life throws at me now, because I made it through this. The worst thing. I'm a different person because of it - a little more worn, a little rougher around the edges - but I am still me. Just a stronger me. Stronger because I can be, but also because I know wherever I go that he is holding me up and pushing me.

Holding and pushing me with those huge, strong arms.

*I should mention that this post is not meant to garner sympathy or comments. I am not normally one to talk about my personal life in-depthly on this blog, or ever in my "real life" either but writing about it helps me feel better, helps the painful memories I have associated with this day less acute. I also feel I owe it to Phil to keep remembering him and what happened. I hope that others who have lost people close to them can read this and take solace, too*

Objects in Mirror are Closer than They Appear

I can't believe I've posted 110 times on this blog! I laid out a goal for myself to blog at least twice a week, and I stuck with the whole year! This is amazing for me because I never stick with anything so...go me!

As everyone, I've been taking these last few days of the year and doing some reflecting about where I've been and where I want to go. One thing I would like to work on in 2011 is this blog. To be honest, I'm not entirely happy with where the blog is now and I have a lot of plans to sort of "re-vamp" it. I feel like it grew consistently the first part of the year, but in the past few months growth has slowed down. I have a feeling a big reason for this is that I've had a lot of worries weighing on my mind since September and have been struggling with self-esteem issues on various fronts so I just haven't been as motivated and my mind has been a bit stifled creatively. In any case, I have plans to change this in the new year and I'm excited to make new commitments to this hobby in coming months (more on that later).

I don't know about anyone else, but I don't revisit my old blogs too often and it occured to me that's not really a good thing. It's important to go back and read past posts both to see how you have evolved in your writing, but also to remember some interesting thoughts and experiences you had (as it's very easy to forget about these in the rush to forge ahead).

So, in this spirit, and in the spirit of the end of 2010, I thought it would be fun to revisit my 2010 posts and pick out some of my favourites:

1. Turning over a new...stone (my first official post on my "new" blog!)
2. Today on the Crazy Files... (wherein I dissect the horrifying phenomenon that was Lindsay Lohan + Ungaro...sigh, poor thing. This post also heralded my first official comment!)
3. The Road is Long, with Many a Winding Turn (my post about a trip I booked to teach English in China, a trip I would have departed on in August but alas did not end up taking. Long story on why I didn't go and part of me is still disappointed, however part of me also feels it was the right decision; you can read up on my reasoning here. If you follow the blog at all, you will know that career has been a huge thorn in my side this past year. After I decided against China, I decided on Vancouver, then decided NOT to do that either, then went back and forth various times. Needless to say it's been a confusing and overwhelming year in terms of career decisions. I have felt very "stuck", particularly in the last half of the year, in what is commonly called the Quarter-Life Crisis. I'm still feeling this but on the bright side, I have learned a lot about myself and what I want through all this reflection. I'm getting closer and closer to realizing what I should do. Career is something that is really important to me, and so it will always be something I discuss on the blog. I'm just hoping that 2011 will be a better year for me and I'll finally find a career that has some longevity and gives me financial and emotional comfort. I'm really hoping to find my niche this year. I guess we will see...
4. Don't Worry, Be Happy (the story of Roger Ebert overcoming personal tragedy really spoke to me and amazed me, so I felt compelled to write about it; just goes to show that one shouldn't complain about trivial things because there are always people worse off than you).
5. The Shape of Things (this post touches on an issue that I feel very strongly about - body image, and particularly in the media, more specifically in the fashion industry. I'm a huge fashion fanatic, but this is one part of the industry that just really makes me angry, as you can see by the rant here and a subsequent one I wrote in response to an extremely vindictive Marie Claire article here.)
6. Trip to Boston (this was so great - Boston is somewhere I'd always wanted to visit, and this trip wasn't really planned; it was very spur of the moment because my mom was going for work and I decided to tag along - free hotel, woohoo! I was only there for 3 days but saw quite a bit and it just felt good to be traveling somewhere again. I really needed to get away from life at that point and just move, so it was really good for me. That's one of my favourite things about blogging too, that you have an "account" of your activities that you can go back and review, which is handy for someone like me with a bad memory!).
7. Motivation Mondays (remember how I said earlier that I never stick to things? Well, case in point with these posts, which were meant to record my attempt to lose weight and get more fit. I did a total of five MM posts, which is pretty good, but I only ended up losing about 5 lbs. I think I completely fell off the wagon when I took a weekend trip for work and just ate junk the entire time. Never went back to it, and I think I'm probably slightly bigger than I was then. Sigh. I have been doing better in the fitness department since September because I've been walking to work, but my diet is still pretty bad and I'm really self-conscious about my body. This is something I hope to continue working on in the new year {again, more on that later}. This is a major struggle that can't be tackled overnight, but I know for me a huge part of it is "mental" so if I can discipline myself in that way, I know I can find a plan that works for me).
8. I will gladly bow down to Candybear's cuteness (I know, wierd title, but read it and you'll get it. This was an exciting moment for me because it was the occasion of my first blog award! I know it doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things - it's not an Oscar or anything - and I certainly don't blog to get awards and recognition, but it just meant a lot that someone felt like my writing was good enough to think of me. It made me realize that this whole blog thing really isn't a waste of time and that you can actually motivate people and connect with them if you blog with integrity).
9. Blog Challenges (another exciting moment for me on the blog this year was getting to participate in a couple of great blog challenges - the first concerned a global movement called Be The Change for Pets. I donated a large box of supplies to a local shelter and blogged about it, and it was very rewarding. I can't wait for them to do more challenges so I can help out more! In fact, I'm always on the look-out for animal-related blog activities to participate in as it's an issue that is really important to me. The second challenge was one put on by the Downtown Halifax Business Commission right here in my own city. I was given a $100 Visa card to spend anywhere I wished in downtown Halifax then blogged about it here. Wow, what a fun challenge! I mean free money is always great, but I'm also a big proponent of buying and supporting local businesses so it felt great to be a part of promoting my community and what it has to offer. Plus, I got to meet a bunch of local bloggers that I wasn't aware of, and with whom I hope to continue building relationships with).
10. Canada is Cooler Than You (I was really excited when Alison asked me to guest post on this series, writing from an East Coast point of view. Even though I talk a lot about living and visiting other places, I am a very proud Canadian, and I'm specifically a very proud East Coast Canadian. Non-Canadians won't really understand the "regionalism" that exists here and how profound it is, but the different areas of our country are extremely diverse {which is one of the things I love about it}. It was fun to reflect on why I love my home province/region, and hear reflections from other areas. Plus, it was the first time someone asked me to guest post, and I felt very privelaged to be given the opportunity by such a great blogger).

Wow, lots of posts I enjoyed this year so it was hard to narrow it down! But I think these best capture the scope of my year and the more profound issues that affected my life. I recommend going back and reviewing your old posts, if you haven't already, as it can be very eye-opening! It has definitely reminded me how far I've come in some ways, and in what areas I need to go further.

I can't believe this year is almost over!

We Are Family

I've been thinking a lot about family lately. Obviously, it's only natural to do so around the holidays. It probably also has something to do with the grandmothers of both of my childhood best friends passing away within the last month, talking to my brother on the phone from New Zealand the other day (he's in NZ, not me, though I do wish it were reversed), spending more time with my sister lately, and my mother experiencing some health issues.

All of these occurances have brought home to me just how important family is and how most of us don't appreciate it enough, at least not until they are gone.

My family is very small - my mom is an only child and I don't have any contact with my dad's side, so (aside from a few cousins) it's pretty much myself, my sister, my two brothers, my mom and my grandmother (who will be 94 next year, I might add). When I was younger, I always used to envy my friends' huge families with their multiple generations and loud, boisterous family gatherings. But as I have gotten older (and arguably wiser) I have learned that sometimes quality is better than quantity. I have learned to appreciate my tiny family and be grateful for it. My family may be small, but the family I do have is close, and we all support each other (which, I think, is something many of us also forget to do when it comes to our families too).

My mom is my hero - she has survived two abusive marriages, raised 4 kids basically on her own (one with special needs) *no, I mean my sister, not me, smart ass...though I AM rather special* and has faced countless setbacks in her life without backing down or losing her sense of humour. Without a doubt, I am the mature, independent woman I am today thanks in large part to her influence. Don't get me wrong, she annoys me to no end sometimes and I'm sure I've pissed her off a couple of times (though usually it's her that starts it, let's be honest here) but it's mostly because we're so much alike (ugh, scary but true).

My sister is 5 years older than me, but since she has Down's Syndrome, I've always sort of been employed in the "older sister" role. She can be difficult and frustrating sometimes, but she can also be very sweet and funny. We have always bickered, just as any sisters normally do, but when it comes right down to it I love her very much. Let's put it this way: if anyone hurts her, they will have my fists to answer to (and if those fail me, I always have my rapier whit to fall back on - just ask a couple of boys from my elementary school, as they have experienced this wrath first-hand).

There is a large age gap between my two brothers and I (15-20 years) and I didn't actually grow up living with them beyond age two, but I still feel that I can count on them for whatever I need. They are far away (one is in Vancouver, one in New Zealand) but never far from my thoughts. I love that we can pick up the phone and chat just like months haven't gone by and that I'm so similar to both in many ways, even though we have barely spent an extended period of time together since I was a baby (certainly a strong argument for nature vs. nurture). Besides, I have a free B&B if I ever visit BC or NZ - huzzah!

I'd be lying if I said my grandmother was my favourite person growing up - long story short, lets just say we haven't always gotten along for many reasons and I have always had trouble understanding and sympathizing with her. Honestly, I still find her difficult to be around at times, but she has "mellowed" SO much with age it's still kind of dumb-founding. I've learned a lot about her and as such understand her more now than I ever have. I've realized that sometimes people shouldn't be judged so harshly because you have no idea what they have been through in life that has made them that way. Plus, I'm fascinated by her in a way - she looks probably 15 years younger than she actually is, still runs all her own errands and keeps her own house, AND still has all of her faculties. If she is any indication, I'm going to be one hot old lady!

Bottom line is, there are good and bad things about all my family members, just as there are good and bad things about me (though I can't really think of any bad right now). Sure, our family gatherings aren't loud and quirky and hilariously dysfunctional, but they are still fun. I never have to deal with people bugging me how my love life is, when I'm going to get married, what the heck is up with my hair/outfit/job, how I'm getting fat, and in addition they are not embarassing in the least (though they certainly can be if they really try).

I love that we are not traditional (single mom, disabled sister, gay brother married to a man from India...I'm pretty much the only normal one), and in my mind no family is "traditional". Every single one is different, and what makes every single one a "family" is different too. I hate that non-traditional families are still not fully accepted in our society, even though no one can really define what "traditional" is. Who cares what your family looks like or who is included in it, as long as you love and support each other and are contributing positively to each others' lives? *um, denouncers of gay marriage, are you listening?!*

When it comes to family, blood has something to do with it, but in my opinion it has more to do with the heart.

What is your family like? What do you like best/least about your family? Do you normally spend your holidays with them, and if so, what do you do?

Don't You Forget About Me (NaBloPoMo)

I wanted to copy this recent post by one of my favourite bloggers because I thought it was a really neat concept. She took her very first Facebook profile photo and her current Facebook profile photo, put them side by side and compared to examine the ways that her life has changed in that time. I couldn't wait to try it myself!

Here is my FIRST Facebook profile photo from January 2007:

Ugh, this is a horrid photo of me in my opinion, but in the spirit of the post I'll still put it up (I hope you appreciate me humiliating myself for the integrity of the blog, y'all!!)

So, at that time I was only about a month into age 22, approx. 3 years into University, just following my third and last co-op work term, and I believe the photo was taken in a bar somewhere in downtown Halifax (at that time, my friends and I would go out dancing fairly often). I believe I was dying my hair darker then (more of a dark brown shade - which in retrospect was NOT a good colour for me) and playing around with how to wear my bangs a lot (I'm still doing that!). What's actually more interesting to me is not the place in my life at the time this photo was taken, but the place in my life I would be in within the next 6 months. Approximately 4 months from this photo, I would be living and studying on an International Public Relations course in London, England with 18 other University students (3 from my Uni, the rest from various Uni's in the USA). That trip would be a defining moment in my life in more ways then one - it was the fulfillment of a long-time dream of living/studying abroad and meeting amazing people, but it also involved one of the worst losses of my entire life (the death of someone very close to myself and my family) and the subsequent emotional struggle. I took my first solo trip just after I heard the news, and it remains one of my proudest moments.

And, my current photo is:

Well, fast-forward 3.5 years and I'm now 25 (will be 26 in December), smack-dab in the middle of a Quarter-Life Crisis and feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place in my career and personal life, grappling with many worries, questions, insecurities and reflections.  You can't really see my hair, but it's actually similar in style to the above photo (though oddly enough I think my hair has thickened), but an auburn colour instead of dark brown (much more flattering to my skin tone, if you ask me). My outfit is certainly more colourful and creative and shows how I've become more creative and daring with my style. I have definitely gained weight, but working on that every day as hard as I can (hey, I'm human right? I blame Thanksgiving...and Halloween). I hardly ever go dancing now (more because I don't really have anyone to go with than not having the desire to), and my friends circle has entirely changed.

I have mixed feelings about this comparison - it was definitely a fun and thought-provoking exercise, however it was also a tad disconcerting. In many ways, my life was much simpler back then and I was a lot less jaded. Life was more fun and carefree in many ways too, and part of me would love to go back to that simpler existence. But life is also different in positive ways, namely that I'm ten times more self-aware, self-sufficient, street-smart and realistic now than I was then. My life isn't really worse or better when it comes right down to it; it's just DIFFERENT. And I guess in a way that's sort of comforting because I think if my life hadn't changed much in 3.5 years I would be really, really depressed! One thing's for sure, I have more ideas and projects brewing in my brain than ever, and in a way the sky is the limit on where I can go next and how I can push myself. And that's a change I can really get behind.

Oh, I wish that we could stop this d-i-v-o-r-c-e

Ok, I know this is kind of a wierd photo and I debated posting it, but I just had to show - is this cake not disturbing?! I mean, I'm all for finding humour in a crappy situation, but methinks this might be pushing it a tad far? Thoughts?

Ok, I know I've been blabbing on about marriage a lot lately. I swear to god I'm not obsessed with it, it's just an issue that I find interesting, especially in these times. Also, since I'm a child of divorce I have a unique, albeit cynical, perspective on it.

That's right, I come from a broken home. Poor me.

I'm kidding of course. To be honest, knowing what I know now, my parents getting divorced was (take a deep breath) THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. And to my mom. I firmly believe I wouldn't be half as mature, independent, and close to my mom as I am now if my parents stayed together.

That being said, divorce is never something I would wish on anyone because it can be an extremely confusing, conflicting and traumatizing, especially for the children involved. An extremely disruptive life event like a divorce can have lasting effects that people try to alleviate by hopping from couch to couch or bed to bed.

Divorce effing sucks.

Which is why, even though I have a rather cynical, untraditional viewpoint on marriage and part of me is grateful I went through one, it really saddens me whenever I hear of couples divorcing. Especially couples that have kids and that have been together for decades.

It even saddens me when I hear that it's happened to people I've never met, never will meet, and generally speaking, don't give a crap about. For example, recent celeb break-ups that have shocked me include Courtney Cox and David Arquette, Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman, and Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins (though I don't think they were actually married, but they were together for 20-some years, so it's basically the same thing). It sounds dumb that I would be shocked and saddened over some dumb celebs relationships breaking up, but I can't help it!

My initial reaction is honestly one of disappointment because, in the words of (my future husband) Tim Gunn they just seemed to "make it work"! I mean, what happened?! You were together for half your lives! You have kids together! Why, god, why?!

Then my initial disappointment turns (as most things in my mind do once they've percolated through my brain for a bit) to cynicism. I was thinking about it today, in fact, and the first conclusion I came to was something like, "well, celebrities have it soooo easy when it comes to divorce!". I mean, think about it: they have enough money that they can get the paperwork done practically overnight, even if their ex-spouse takes them for everything they have they still have more money than I'll probably make in my lifetime, and the kids would have been messed up anyway with that kind of upbringing so might as well get the dysfunction over with! And I feel a bit bad saying this, but part of me feels like a lot of people get divorced because it's an "easy way out", and they can avoid actually sitting face to face and DEALING with their problems.

This really got a train of thought going, though - are break-ups really easier for celebrities than for regular Joe's like you and me? There is definitely a voice inside that screams out "yes" mainly due to the compelling financial argument (I don't care what anyone says, having a lot of money makes a lot of things easier). And given their hectic, ego-driven lives, it seems likely they would rather get their hair highlighted and go tanning than talk and work through adult issues.

However, (at the risk of going all Dr. Phil-osophical on you) say what you will about celebrities but they are still human (well most of them). They still have feelings, fears, insecurities, and emotional baggage. They can still have their hearts broken. Trust me, I'm normally the LAST person to ever sympathize with a celebrity or defend them, but I can't help but feel sorry for some of them sometimes (obviously excluding those sociopaths that get married and divorced merely for publicity), especially when I picture me dealing with the pain and upheaval of my parents' divorce completely in the public eye.

No, thank you.

The fact is, divorce sucks no matter who you are. Chances are having the money to hire the best lawyer in the country probably wouldn't have helped my mom make my dad pay child support and other money he legally owed her. Chances are it wouldn't have saved her years of in-an-out court battles. Chances are my dad would have still drank his life away even if he was a celebrity, and frankly he probably would have done it faster. Chances are I would still have the "issues" with men that have roots in the absence of a male role model in my life, the only difference being I might have just partied them away until I burned out.

Then again, with a bank account similar to Christina Aguilera's my mom could have hired a hitman to take out the trash then escape to a life of anonymity a remote South Pacific island and been done with it.

That would have been a nice advantage.

*I KNEW there had to be a song about divorce!! And a country song - shocker!! See, there's always a silver lining with me*

Summer Lovin (had me a blast)

As a "conscientious" person (I don't like the word "over-achiever as it has a negative connotation, conjuring images of this and I'm NOTHING like that...I don't think), I often feel like I haven't done enough, haven't seen enough, haven't used my time in an effective enough manner.

This, combined with the fact that I have a terrible memory, means that my knee-jerk reaction at the end of a season is to look back and think, "I didn't really do anything exciting this ! I didn't do anything cool like backpack through Europe or start a new business like !". So, when I first reflected upon my summer and what I did with it, my mind immediately went here. However, once I thought longer and harder about it (and reviewed my photos), I realized I had a pretty full season!

Here are some of the highlights:
* Visited a maple syrup farm with friends (and discovered the wonder of maple syrup poured in snow and wrapped on a stick - mmmmm).
* Fundraised and participated in the Nova Scotia SPCA Alley Cat Bowl with two of my co-workers. We realized we suck at bowling, but we had tons of fun anyway!
* Attended a Workplace Wellness Conference in New Brunswick with another co-worker, where I met some great people from the Heart & Stroke Foundation of NB, and learned some interesting ways to promote teamwork and job satisfaction in our office. I also had supper with an ex-boyfriend and realized just how different we've both become (surreal experience).
* Planned and attended four training sessions as a representative from my office (go me! And trust me, it was not always fun - oh, and along with this also took a plane to Cape Breton, which was sort of silly yet fun in equal measure...those of you that don't live in Nova Scotia won't get this, but just trust me).
* Hiked Victoria Park in Truro with some old and new friends - crossed a place off my list that I'd always wanted to visit and got a fun road trip out of it too.
* Hiked Cape Split (we did it up and back + a 20 minute break in just under 4 hours!) with my two best friends (crossed another "alwayswantedtodo" off my list and got a great workout).
* FINALLY watched my best friend and her fiance get married, and from my very special position as Maid of Honour. Also got to plan her Bridal Shower and Bachelorette party, both of which were successful!
* Attended the Halifax Greek Fest for the first time (another thing to check off the list!).
* Had a bonfire on the beach...well, attempted to have one until we were caught by a "forest ranger" (in a bulletproof vest!) and told to put it out. It was an amazing fire while it lasted though, and a fun adventure (blatantly breaking the law - just a regular Saturday night for us).
* Participated in my 5th NS International Tattoo as a member of the adult choir, and probably had my funnest year yet. New group of ladies to hang out with, seemingly more cute guys in uniform than ever (though honestly I probably just noticed them more in my horny free and single state ), root beer popsicles and ice cream sandwiches, funny hats, Parisian fire-fighters...sigh, is it June 2011 yet??
* Was hit on randomly in the street for the first time in...well, a LOOOONG time. Perhaps for the first time ever. Sad, I know, but this was a great ego boost in any case (and he wasn't ugly or smelly! Win!).
* Visited the Halifax Jazz Fest (also for the first time - another check!) and saw an amazing concert by locals Gypsophilia and Israeli group Boom Pam. Sooooo much fun - it was so freeing to dance up a sweat in front of the stage with a crowd with only the music and the summer air floating around....awesome.
* Got to see my friend's baby for the first time when they visited from Edmonton.
* Visited with my brother and his wife from BC for two whole weeks - I hadn't seen my sister-in-law in 6 years and my brother in 2 so it was about time we got together. Yummy seafood dinners, walking the waterfront shopping and taking in Natal Day festivities, lots of beer and wine...
* Participated in the Dog Days of Summer bloggers challenge, where I donated a trunk-full of pet supplies to my local shelter. This was so rewarding and my 1st blogging challenge (1st of many I hope!). You can read about it here.
* Had a lovely vacation in Prince Edward Island with my family (as per usual).
* Participated in my 2nd blogging challenge! Big Day Downtown.
* Took in the Clam Harbour Beach Sandcastle contest (another first and a PERFECT beach day).
* Went Tidal Bore rafting - soooo much fun and soooo sore for the next four days (however, another check off my list! Huzzah!).
* Left my job, which I have really enjoyed and learned a lot from, and jumped back into the world of temping while I keep trying to find my niche (still have no idea what that is).

I also made some new friends, dated a couple of guys, saw a bunch of great movies, ate a bunch of great food, got a lot of sun, and became more active online by blogging on a regular twice-weekly schedule, Tweeting more, and talking to people more on various online forums (had my first online interview re. the blog!). I really feel I'm connecting with some amazing people and organizations through these activities and I hope it only continues to grow.

Generally, this year I've been trying to get out and DO things. You know those things that we all say "I'd love to do that sometime" and never seem to get to? I've been trying my best to actually GET to them. As you can see above, I crossed a whole bunch of things off this list in my head this summer, and I'm really proud of that. I've generally learned to be more adventurous, and more laid back and patient. I'm still working on this obviously, but got a good start!

I had some bad times too, but who wants to dwell on those?!

So, see I did a lot of great stuff! My initial thoughts of unproductivity were obviously baseless. I'm still attached to summer (thank goodness we're still having summer weather here...mostly) but I must say I'm starting to look forward to Fall, to the sweaters and tights and pumpkin goodies.

I hope to have a Fall re-cap in a couple of months that is just as full, varied, and positive as the one above.

Happy Fall, y'all!

(By the by: I'm still not happy with my blog design and so expect continued changes in that department while I try and find a look I DO like. Thanks!)

Curious Tuesday: Crushes, guilty pleasures and sentimentality - oh my!

*This is being posted late bc I was interrupted mid-write yesterday. Just pretend it's Tuesday*
This is my second try at Gala Darling's Curious Tuesday. I think these "meme" things are way overdone (I don't want to be one of those bloggers who revolves all of her blog content around them either) but her questions are always lots of fun and get you thinking about past fun memories and such. I tend to be always looking ahead and focusing on moving forward, so it's nice to look behind me sometimes and remember not just the bad stuff, but the goofy things!

1. Who is your #1 crush? I'm so embarassed to say this, but I've had a crush on Kevin Spacey for years. I just love his voice and he's not conventionally sexy, but there's something oddly sexy about him at the same time. I remember when I was like 16, he came to Halifax (my city - Nova Scotia) to film "The Shipping News" and the papers would report where he went everyday. I seriously went to some of those places later just because he had been there and I got this wierd sense of excitement from it. Don't judge me! At least I didn't stalk him while he was here! Though that would have been really fun...too bad I was such a wimp. I harbour this secret hope that I'll meet him someday (dear god, I'm a loser lol). Aside from this craziness, I am quite in love with Nutty (my kitty-witty).

2. Have you ever tried online dating? How did it go? Any tips? Oh lord, I could write a book on this (a really bitter one), so let's just keep it short - yes, I've tried it (on and off for a few years in fact), it hasn't gone that great (never had much of a relationship materialize from it), and my main tip is to have no expectations. It's easy to have a great deal of expectation placed on meeting someone, but if you do that you're just setting yourself up. I'm really not a fan of online dating anymore and personally don't understand how people find actual normal relationship on there, so I'll just leave it at that!

3. Are you sentimental? Do you keep the things other people give you? I definitely keep things, I'm a huge packrat, but I wouldn't say I'm particularly sentimental. I find I'm either really sentimental about an item or I'm not at all and won't think twice about getting rid of it. There's really no gray area there. This is a tough question to answer though because I'm not really sure what the answer is! lol. I guess the answer is it depends on the item, where and who it came from. In general though, I have lots of stuff and tend to keep things.

4. As a child, what were your primary interests? I was a quiet kid and when not outside playing with my friends (yes, kids used to play outside back then and GASP we didn't have computers and ipods and cell phones so we had to make our own amusement - making up games, playing dress-up, building forts with the entire contents of my mom's linen closet, hide-and-seek, etc. Wow, we had fun) I was usually in my basement creating something - I was always either drawing or painting or making some kind of craft. As I got older I moved into making fashion drawings and more graphic designs. I had a wild imagination and sometimes I miss that - I still have a bit of that creativity but the spark is gone and that makes me sad. It's on my LIST to try and bring that spark back into my life.

5. What are your top 3 guilty pleasures? Coffee (must have one in the morning or I'm like a zombie!), chocolate and sweets in general (I can't resist anything sweet, it's my downfall), and shopping (I don't shop as much as I used to but I find I either buy nothing or a whole load of stuff - again, no middle ground - but my main shopping vice is clothes; well, clothes and purses and shoes. This is what I spend most of my money on, aside from rent of course!)

Now you try!