This Just Ain't Where I'm 'Sposed to Be

I'm a little slow with my posting right now; work is fairly busy and I ended up being out all weekend the weather was so amazing! I don't absorb much sun during the week working in an office, so whenever I have the chance I like to get out in it on my off-time. Besides, I'm still totally on track for my 8 posts a month goal - I'm at 7 and there's still a week left in the month!*

*So, technically I'm ahead and I'm NOT in fact slow with posting!

Anyway, I've had a lot on my mind lately, which is not really out of the norm for me, but I've had more on mind than usual. Mostly related to career and the future. My plan to move to Vancouver is now a tad up in the air because of recent changes in my life. I won't go into detail here because I prefer to keep the names of people in my life and the details of my relationships with them out of this blog but all I will say is that there has been a change. It's a good change, but it makes my plan to move away possibly not as realistic or desirable, at least not for the near future. It will remain to be seen whether or not my plan will be thrown out the window altogether or not (it's still on the table right now), but there's no denying the fact that the decision is now in question.

So, I'm now confronted with the possibility of staying here a little longer and that means I need to figure out a career plan - I would have had to figure out a career plan moving to Van as well, but the good thing about the move is that there existed the possibility of taking a job at the National office for my company. There are shifts going on that could open up bigger and better doors that could be really good for me. However, as much as I would like to be on some level, I'm not someone that can abandon all personal ties in order to further my career. It would depend on the situation of course, and I would never compromise what I want unless I felt 110% sure about it, but I'd be completely heartless if I said that the personal connections in my life meant so little to me that I could just leave them in a heartbeat and not be torn apart about it. So, this means that changes in my personal connections affect my career future whether I like it or not.

Ah, such is life. The good news is this is not so much a current dilemma, but an anticipated one; a dilemma that's not really present right now, but one that I will surely be confronted with head-on at some point in the near future. In other words, I'm putting the cart before the horse (my speciality).

Regardless of personal change mumbo-jumbo, I thought there might be some possibility of my contract being extended at my current job; however, it was recently confirmed that it's very likely I won't be able to stay in my position past this summer. This sucks on so many levels - not only because I will have to face the round of cover letters, interviews and searching that has been a yearly occurence for me for the past 3 years - but I will also have to leave a job that I've grown to really enjoy and a company that I could see myself working for in the long term. I love my boss and coworkers, and the nature of my job suits me - it's not too hard, not too easy, makes good use of my creative skills, allows me a lot of flexibility to do my work how I want it, and gives me a lot of freedom (if I want to take a couple of days off here and there or leave early on a non-busy day, I can).

I'm not convinced I'll be able to find this kind of harmony in another job. Worst of all, I feel like I'm back to square one on the career board, not knowing where I want to be or what I want to do; floating around, having some ideas but not really knowing for sure. I'm still in the same boat in terms of experience (I have a little bit in a lot of areas, rather than a solid chunk of 3-5 years concentrated in a particular company/industry/position which is something many employers look for) so I don't even know where I would apply or what type of job I'd want to do once my time is up here.

I do have some ideas and I do feel confident I will find SOMETHING as I have enough experience and education, so it's not as if the situation is depressingly dire. But, I'm tired of doing just SOMETHING; I want to do a job that I feel passionately about, that affords me enough freedom and financial comfort that I can still have a productive personal life, that utilizes my best skills, that will give me room to grow and move up the ladder. I don't want something that is another short-term contract with no chance of renewal or movement, or a general administrative job at the bottom of the office hierarchy. And I guess I'm not entirely convinced that this is NOT what I'll get.

I hate to be Debbie-Downer, but it's all very depressing to think about. I mean I am not one of those people whose whole life is their job and when it comes right down to it I would be satisfied in any position as long as I had the financial and personal freedom I crave. But as silly and incredibly naive as it sounds, I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something with my life, like there is a job with my name on it somewhere out there waiting for me; all I need to do is find it. Besides, it's nice to have a "career" and not just a "job"; one that you feel really fits you and allows you to grow. Career is still important to me, even if it's not THE most important thing.

I realize that life is as much about the journey as the destination, and that just because you find your dream job doesn't mean that your life will automatically fall into place. I also know that I may not ever find my dream job and I should be satisfied with what I can get. But I feel like I came close to the dream here so it hurts to know that it's being taken away and in a way that's completely out of my control.

Anyway, so much in life is up in the air right now, I'm trying to just take it one week at a time. I know answers will come to me soon, hopefully the right ones.