Spread a Little Love

After watching this video on Rock n Roll Bride (which is an awesome blog that you should check out if you haven't already - even if you're not getting married anytime soon), I just had to share it:


n'tima & steven from madeulookphotography on Vimeo.


I'm not normally a romantic, sappy person but this video and this couple's story just melted my heart. You can just feel so much love between them and from everyone around them. You know when you just get that "vibe" from a couple, like they are so connected and have so much admiration and respect for one another?

Perhaps it's so heartwarming to see because it's so rare. Or is it around us all the time and we just don't see it? I'm not sure. One of those mysteries of life, I guess. Maybe it's because I'm a bit in love myself at the moment, but this video just made me think a lot about how much love there is in the world and how we should all embrace it. I don't think we notice it or embrace it enough in general. Probably a lot of people are like me and are almost afraid to embrace love too much in case it is taken away. I've had the love rug pulled out from under me enough times before that I have developed a cynical shell and also a fear of giving myself fully to loving others, I'm sorry to say. It's something I'm working on and I suppose a lot of us are, but I think perhaps many of us (me included) can do better.*

I'm not advocating we all go out and hug trees walk around in a "love bubble" where everything is rosy all the time (that's just not realistic, and lets be honest, weird) but it can't hurt to push ourselves a TINY bit outside of our comfort zones in terms of giving (and receiving) love. And I mean TINY: pay compliments when they are due, say thank-you, smile at people, give a loved one a hug just because you feel like it, pay for the order of someone behind you in a drive-thru (I did that the other day and it felt great!), make a donation, and tell the people you love that you love them. These are such small gestures, but for some reason they are sometimes extremely  hard to remember to do, or even if we remember to do it, the fear of saying the words keeps us mum.

(Think about it: If someone you love died tomorrow, would you be more depressed that you DID tell them how you felt, or that you DIDN'T. Kind of a no-brainer when you think of it that way, ain't it? Trust me, I have been in this situation and there is nothing worse than never having had closure with someone before they are gone).

It's been proven that the more love you give out, the more you get back (ok, I suppose this is slightly cliched, but cliches are such for a reason) so today (and tomorrow and the next day), give out a tiny bit more love than you normally do. Just try it and see what happens.

You never know! I figure even if it makes me feel half as good as I do watching this video, than the experiment will have been completely worth it.

*By the way, I Love you Blog. I don't say that enough. This video was also timely for me because I've been thinking about telling a certain person about my feelings but I've been too chicken-shit to do it yet. I think I might have convinced myself to just go ahead and do it - what's the worst that could happen?!

Oh, I wish that we could stop this d-i-v-o-r-c-e

Ok, I know this is kind of a wierd photo and I debated posting it, but I just had to show - is this cake not disturbing?! I mean, I'm all for finding humour in a crappy situation, but methinks this might be pushing it a tad far? Thoughts?

Ok, I know I've been blabbing on about marriage a lot lately. I swear to god I'm not obsessed with it, it's just an issue that I find interesting, especially in these times. Also, since I'm a child of divorce I have a unique, albeit cynical, perspective on it.

That's right, I come from a broken home. Poor me.

I'm kidding of course. To be honest, knowing what I know now, my parents getting divorced was (take a deep breath) THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. And to my mom. I firmly believe I wouldn't be half as mature, independent, and close to my mom as I am now if my parents stayed together.

That being said, divorce is never something I would wish on anyone because it can be an extremely confusing, conflicting and traumatizing, especially for the children involved. An extremely disruptive life event like a divorce can have lasting effects that people try to alleviate by hopping from couch to couch or bed to bed.

Divorce effing sucks.

Which is why, even though I have a rather cynical, untraditional viewpoint on marriage and part of me is grateful I went through one, it really saddens me whenever I hear of couples divorcing. Especially couples that have kids and that have been together for decades.

It even saddens me when I hear that it's happened to people I've never met, never will meet, and generally speaking, don't give a crap about. For example, recent celeb break-ups that have shocked me include Courtney Cox and David Arquette, Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman, and Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins (though I don't think they were actually married, but they were together for 20-some years, so it's basically the same thing). It sounds dumb that I would be shocked and saddened over some dumb celebs relationships breaking up, but I can't help it!

My initial reaction is honestly one of disappointment because, in the words of (my future husband) Tim Gunn they just seemed to "make it work"! I mean, what happened?! You were together for half your lives! You have kids together! Why, god, why?!

Then my initial disappointment turns (as most things in my mind do once they've percolated through my brain for a bit) to cynicism. I was thinking about it today, in fact, and the first conclusion I came to was something like, "well, celebrities have it soooo easy when it comes to divorce!". I mean, think about it: they have enough money that they can get the paperwork done practically overnight, even if their ex-spouse takes them for everything they have they still have more money than I'll probably make in my lifetime, and the kids would have been messed up anyway with that kind of upbringing so might as well get the dysfunction over with! And I feel a bit bad saying this, but part of me feels like a lot of people get divorced because it's an "easy way out", and they can avoid actually sitting face to face and DEALING with their problems.

This really got a train of thought going, though - are break-ups really easier for celebrities than for regular Joe's like you and me? There is definitely a voice inside that screams out "yes" mainly due to the compelling financial argument (I don't care what anyone says, having a lot of money makes a lot of things easier). And given their hectic, ego-driven lives, it seems likely they would rather get their hair highlighted and go tanning than talk and work through adult issues.

However, (at the risk of going all Dr. Phil-osophical on you) say what you will about celebrities but they are still human (well most of them). They still have feelings, fears, insecurities, and emotional baggage. They can still have their hearts broken. Trust me, I'm normally the LAST person to ever sympathize with a celebrity or defend them, but I can't help but feel sorry for some of them sometimes (obviously excluding those sociopaths that get married and divorced merely for publicity), especially when I picture me dealing with the pain and upheaval of my parents' divorce completely in the public eye.

No, thank you.

The fact is, divorce sucks no matter who you are. Chances are having the money to hire the best lawyer in the country probably wouldn't have helped my mom make my dad pay child support and other money he legally owed her. Chances are it wouldn't have saved her years of in-an-out court battles. Chances are my dad would have still drank his life away even if he was a celebrity, and frankly he probably would have done it faster. Chances are I would still have the "issues" with men that have roots in the absence of a male role model in my life, the only difference being I might have just partied them away until I burned out.

Then again, with a bank account similar to Christina Aguilera's my mom could have hired a hitman to take out the trash then escape to a life of anonymity a remote South Pacific island and been done with it.

That would have been a nice advantage.

*I KNEW there had to be a song about divorce!! And a country song - shocker!! See, there's always a silver lining with me*

Falling in Love (is hard on the knees)

I was reading this post on one of my favourite blogs today (as I often do...well, if you call every day often), writing a comment in agreement with her post, and I realize I had an opinion I wanted to run with (again as I often do). So...well, I suppose it would be easier for me if I just showed you rather than told you - here's my comment (you may wanna also read the post linked above so that you get the gist of the issue being discussed):

I totally agree with all your points above! I’m going to be 26 in December and I’m single and NOWHERE CLOSE to getting married anytime soon. I live in my own place and have for over 1 year and a half, and seriously (though it sucks being broke a lot of the time) it was one of the best decisions ever. And this is coming from someone who FIRST moved out with her bf of only 8 mths when neither of them had ever lived on their own. BAD IDEA!! As you can imagine, we only lasted another 5 or 6 mths after that, but the good news is we’re now good friends and I got the chance to live totally on my own and I’ve grown so much. I was always a mature person, but I’ve matured even more and realized just how tough and perserverant I am. It’s been much easier to “find myself” without someone else “distracting” me…..hmm you know what?! This has my brain going, I’m going to do a whole post on this!! haha xo *

*(And AGAIN as I often do, I wrote a novel when a 3 sentence comment would do)

As promised, I'm going to continue my comment in this post. I feel like talking about this issue is a bit like beating a dead horse (I've discussed this issue before on my blog and other issues similar to it), but I also think there's a reason for that. This is an issue that I'm constantly confronted with at this stage in my life and it frustrates me.

I'm just going to come right out with it...

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY in the 21st-century do young women STILL place so much importance on getting married?! On having a wedding?! I. Don't. Get. It.

Now before you jump down my throat, I'm not saying getting married or having a wedding is a BAD thing. In fact, I love weddings - they can be really fun, romantic and elegant events and I think if you've found someone you are committed to loving for life that it's wonderful to celebrate that with your loved ones.

However, I don't think getting married or having a wedding is something that someone HAS to do.
I don't think it's something that should be rushed into.
I don't think it's something that one should pay the equivalent of the GDP of CHINA for.
I don't think you should revolve your entire wedding around other people and what they feel is best.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that wedding marketing as a whole is primarily targeted to women. NOT to couples. Women. Of course, part of the reason for this is that the brides traditionally manage the majority of the wedding planning. However, I also feel it's because women just care about weddings more.

And why not?! You get to be a princess for a day, you get to be the centre of attention and of a large circle of love and admiration, you get to dress up more elegantly than you ever have before.

But in the end it's just a wedding. It's one day of your life. I'm not saying it's not an important day, but it's not THE MOST important. People seem to forget that the wedding is over pretty quick and that you have a lifetime (if all works out) to look forward to afterwards. I mean what's more important, one perfect day or a hundred thousand great ones (with a few shitty ones thrown in for good measure - c'est le vie, non')?

Anyway, I want to make it very clear that I'm not wedding or bride bashing here. I'm just trying to provide some perspective because (as I mentioned) it seems to me that lately I'm surrounded by "wedding talk" in various forms. And by lately I mean pretty much ever since I turned 24. Perhaps it's just me, but I doubt it. I've talked to others my age (both attached and not) and I'm not alone in my opinions.

When it comes right down to it, my motto is "to each his (or her) own". I just know that a wedding (and a marriage) is not necessarily something I want. I'm not saying it's something I DON'T want. I'm just not sure. And I guess I'm just not in any rush. I realize I am single and "haven't met the right person" (as people keep telling me) but even if I had, I feel that it wouldn't matter because this is a time of self-discovery. I'm enjoying being on my own because it's allowing me to connect to the person that (ultimately) I'm truly stuck with for life -  ME! I feel like I'm still figuring myself out, what I want, what I don't want, where I want to be in 5 or 10 years, settling into the perfect career for me, etc. In other words, I'M LIVING, or trying to. I don't know that I want a wedding because I don't know what I want in life!

This is a time for commitment to me, as cheesy as that sounds. Do I want to settle down eventually? Well, of course I do. Of course I want to find a special person who "gets" me and that I "get", that respects me and encourages me, and who makes me a better person. I want to build a life with someone and have a companion to talk to and build a portfolio of experiences with. I'm human, and ALL humans want this.

But, when it comes right down to it, I don't need a piece of paper with some signatures on it and an overpriced buffet dinner to prove that I love someone and want to commit to them forever. I can just tell them this myself (and him to me) and save a lot of money and stress (did I mention save money?). Also, I guess it's not about not wanting a wedding, it's about wanting a wedding that is "me", and that means "non-traditional".

Gah, who knows?! I'm a cynic, I'm the first one to admit that, so perhaps I just need to lighten up.

Seriously though, to all of you past brides and brides-to-be out there, to all of you who are currently swooning over invitations and seating plans or have in the past, to all of you who have found the person you believe to be "the one", I just want to say this: Congratulations. I'm happy for you. Enjoy. You are very lucky.

But if one more of you looks at me with a pouty face and says "aw, don't worry, you'll find someone too" (or something similar) I swear to God I will slap that pretty white tulle off your head so fast it'll make your head spin straight into your Silver Anniversary party.

(Please don't hurt me, ladies)

Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop #4: Single White Female

It's been a while since I've participated in Mama Kat's writing challenge, but I really liked her prompts for this week.

The prompt that most spoke to me was:
2.) A list of things you no longer have in common with your married/child bearing friends…and why you love them anyways.

Oooooh boy, I could write a novel about this (but I won't). It's very interesting - there was a shift about a year or two ago and all of a sudden everyone I know was either living with a significant other, engaged or pregnant. As someone who was not even contemplating any of these things, this "shift" was completely baffling to me.

I mean I was (and still am) very happy for these friends, of course, and excited for them to be entering a new stage in life. But on the other hand, it made me think to myself: "We're only 23/24?! We're not adults yet!! When did this happen?!". Now I'm very mature for my age and always have been, so being afraid of "growing up" shouldn't really be an issue for me (I grew up a long time ago in actuality), but for some reason things like moving in, getting married and having kids were very "adult" things in my mind and so it was hard to reconcile that my friends, who were younger than me and still (like me) figuring out who they were, were all of a sudden being "adults".

When this shift happened, I felt like there was something wrong with me, like if everyone else is doing these things than I should be too and WHY aren't I?! It can be very lonely when everyone you are close to has a companion to go take trips with and a date for Christmas parties. I'm one of the only ones in my core group of friends who is single and also lives alone, so there's no way avoiding at least occasionally feeling like a 3rd or 5th wheel. That's not fun.

But for the most part, I love my single life. I love having complete freedom and independence, and to be able to go where I want, when I want and not have to answer to or consult anyone. I could take off for another country tomorrow if I wanted to and I wouldn't have to worry about cutting attached strings, and that's a wonderful thing.
 
However, it's very frustrating not being able to relate to my friends like I used to. Not only are most of them attached, but they all want to get married and start having kids before 30 (if they haven't done this already); they want to settle down and buy a house in the suburbs and have a regular 9-5 existence. They want to stay in and have games nights instead of going out dancing or to concerts. Sure, they can remember what it's like to deal with "single issues", but they have enough distance from them that they don't really understand those issues. It's hard to talk to someone about being single when they can't really relate to what that means.
 
This is fine, by the way - everyone's personality and life goals are different and there is nothing wrong with that - it's just tough to talk to them about the future when our visions of it are completely different (and talking about the future is nice to do with friends). I'm not saying I never want to get married or have kids, but I'm undecided; I want to be 100% sure about those things before doing them and I'm just not there yet, and I don't see myself being sure by the time I'm 30. Who knows, perhaps I'll change my mind in a few years, but overall I feel that I just have different priorities for my life - I want to establish a fun, rewarding career that gives me freedom and mobility, I want to travel, I want to live in other places, etc, etc. There are things I want to do and see and the fact is it's much harder to accomplish this once you are saddled with kids and a mortgage so I'm in no rush to procure either of these.
 
I feel that some people are meant to contribute to the world by building families, and others are not, and I just don't think I'm a part of the former group. I'm just not sure I'm meant to settle down in the traditional sense.
 
In any case, even though my friends have different lifestyles and goals than I do, they are still really sweet, fun, intelligent people and I plan on having many more good times with them. Life changes; people change. That's the only guarantee in life (aside from death and taxes), and that's ok. You keep the good friends you have, go out and make new friends that fit your current lifestyle and outlook, and you move on. We sure would be a boring species if we never evolved our characters and way of life! Who knows who (or what) I will become by the time I reach my 30's (and when it comes right down to it, as long as I'm not working at McDonald's or have giant fake boobs, I'll be pretty happy).

What about you? Are you single or married? Do you have kids? Do you want to do these things? Do your friends have similar lifestyles to you or no? Have you noticed changes in how you relate to one another over time?

Modern Love (get me to the church on time)

With the wedding of my best friend taking up the better part of my psyche and time this past month or so (particularly this past weekend), I've been thinking a lot about my own wedding (well, if I have one) and what I would want it to be like.

How I'm picturing my big day (if I ever happen to become engaged), is a trip away (Carribean? Italy?), and outdoor ceremony in a scenic area (by a lake, on a beach) with a few select people (close family and friends), and us two. If we wish to involve our family further, and involve more people, I would see us having a party upon our return - nothing too fancy, just a get-together with food, drinks and good music - to give those that couldn't share the big day with us a chance to share in the event.

Watching my best friend and her fiance grapple with the politics of planning and involving everyone in their extended families in their day, while still trying to keep it about them and a celebration of their union, cured me of ever wanting to go through a similar experience.

I'm not saying it's not a good idea to involve family at all, I'm just saying it's not fun when family members get TOO involved (unless you want them to). It just makes things so much more complicated and the real point of the matter gets lost - it becomes about everyone else's needs and wants and not about celebrating the couples' love and union. You have to create seating charts that require an PhD in Mathematics to decipher because Uncle Herald can't be at the same table as Aunt Phyllis since they hate each other, you have to provide a meal for every Tom, Dick and Harry you ever met in University and their significant others, you have to hear your mother/mother-in-law's opinions about the "right" way of doing things every time you turn around, and blah blah blah...

I'm also not saying you shouldn't have a big wedding - a marriage should be a celebration -  but I for one am shocked at the amounts of money that some people shell out just for such a celebration. It's ridiculous, and I don't see the point in starting off your marriage poor and in debt just to have a big fancy, fairytale event. Of course, even going away to get married and having a party could be expensive, but it would make it much easier to keep costs down as there wouldn't be as many small costs randomly adding up (chances are a lot of things would be inclusive, also the big luxury would be the trip; the rest of the wedding could be very simple). And I figure if I'm going to spend $7,000, I might as well have an adventure or a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Plus, with a destination ceremony, you have the honeymoon built in without any extra planning and packing! Not to mention that if you keep it simple and only include a few select people, you're not asking your friends and family to shell out hundreds of dollars for your special day, which can sometimes put people in an awkward position.

Also, I'm not going to lie - I would love to have a day just for "me", where I'm the centre of attention and I can wear a beautiful dress and accessories, and have an excuse to have a big party and catch up with old friends and family. I can certainly see the appeal. But at the same time, I absolutely dread having such a huge occasion centred around me - after all it's about you as a couple, not you as a bride - and having the weight of expectation on my shoulders. And I don't want to be put in a place where I have even a slight chance to become a "bridezilla" and make everyone around me miserable just to get married. Besides, you can be the centre of attention, look beautiful and have a big party without spending a lot or pulling every last strand of hair out of your head.

Of course, I'm not even sure I'm the "marrying kind" as they say, or that I even believe in marriage. Well, it's not that I DON'T believe in it; I just feel on some level that it's overrated and not really something that is necessary in today's world. I guess seeing a horrid divorce unfold in front of your young eyes would do that to you. Aside from that though, I feel on some level that, even though we have come a long way in terms of feminism and women's rights, girls still place a huge amount of importance on getting married and having a fancy wedding, and I don't understand it. It kind of dumbfounds me. To their favour though, there's no question that society still places this pressure onto people my age, and people in general, to be in relationships and define them according to tradition. Plus, I'm single and haven't found that person I love enough to want to spend the rest of my life with, so perhaps when that happens I'll change my mind (I doubt it though).

PLEASE NOTE: All of this is JUST MY PERSONAL OPINION and by no means am I judging what anyone else chooses to with their life or for their wedding - everyone has a different idea of what is fun and important, what is worth spending money on, who should be involved, etc. I'm just sharing my point of view, as this is an issue I find very interesting and that has been on my mind lately, and I happen to have strong opinions about. I just don't necessarily agree with some of the pressures that have been built up around these events. Also, none of these comments are reflective of my friend's wedding - their ceremony and reception were lovely and tasteful and personal, and I know for a fact that they budgeted everywhere they possibly could (more proof that you don't need to lay down the annual GDP of a small country to have a great wedding).

Ultimately, what I feel is that the wedding isn't the important thing - the marriage is, and that's what you want to put the time and money into. The wedding lasts a day, but your marriage (ideally) lasts much longer.