getting hairy

I am very moody when it comes to my hair (ok, so perhaps I am moody in general, but that's another blog post). I find I keep a style for a few months, then I get sick of it and want to change it up. I used to change up the colour a lot more too, until I decided I didn't want to fry my hair anymore. For the past couple of years I have been different variations on red/auburn - I know, I know, still damaging but not as "frying" as blond, which I sported for almost all of high school and University (and I did go a couple of years completely natural with NO dying whatsoever).

I seem to be satisfied long-term with the colour now, but I still yo-yo all the time with the cut. Just in the past year I have had it long and layered, an asymmetrical bob (both with a long side-bang), and now I have a basic shoulder-length cut with blunt bangs. I liked the asymmetrical shorter cut, but after a couple of months I longed for...well, long. I so missed being able to put my hair in fun, different styles like braids and buns. The short cut barely allowed me to pull my hair back at all. All in all, it was a fun change but my heart truly belongs to long hair.

So, I'm yet again in the position where I am growing it out - is it just me, or does hair seem to take FOREVER to grow out when you are itching for it to be long?? We are going to Mexico in March (oh yeah, baby) and I want my hair to be long enough by then to try out some fun new styles!

It's (slowly) getting there - it's actually long enough to pull back now, but not as long as I'd like - but until it gets to where I want it, I'll at least have the dream of length and versatility. I can always look up photos of styles (such as the ones below) and dream of the day when I can try them out on my own long locks.

What about you - do you wear your hair short or long? Are you satisfied with your current look or are you itching to change it up?

(Need some hair inspiration? Check out Pinterest. That's where I found all these photos, and let me tell ya' - it was tough to narrow it down to a few, there are so many beautiful ones!)

Love that this looks sort of messy and undone, but still pretty. And I love the headband - really into the headband look right now, and looking forward to a time when I can wear them in a cool, thrown-on way like this.

Great wedding hairstyle (maybe not so much for everyday - but a variation on this would still be good for the office)

Pretty sure I could never pull this style off, no matter how long my hair gets, but hey - we are talking about daydreaming here!

Coolest thing ever? I think so!

Stay Crafty, My Friends

Found here

I have always been a creative person. When I was a kid, I spent an inordinate amount of time in my basement making things - drawing cartoons and fashion sketches, painting rocks, making crafts (don't worry, I did have friends). I was always one of the "artsy" girls in school - always first in line for any artistic extracurriculars like art clubs and fashion shows.

I do not have many regrets in life - I believe we do the best we can with the information we have at the time - but one major thing I am not happy about is the fact that I seem to have lost this part of myself. Well, not lost - I would still say I am creative (I am pursuing a freelance career in writing, so that's something) but just not in the same way.

I don't have the same passion and freedom of expression that I once had. I think a combination of increased life stress and responsibility (and therefore limited time) has doused that creative fire I once had. I have so little spare time sometimes that I often just want to use it to 'veg' and relax, not to sit and paint or make a craft. I hate this. I hate that I have become such a responsible adult that I have lost touch with my creative side.

Since I do feel a little bit of this creative fire still burns, I think I could find that passion again. I think I could find that drive to create again if I just dig hard enough, but sometimes I wonder - is it really possible to get back something that you have lost touch with (seemingly) so long ago? Is is really possible to go back to who you were, grab a little piece of it, and bring it into the present? And even if I can do this, would I be able to produce anything that is actually worthwhile, or am I too out of practice? Sometimes I wonder why I should even bother when it seems to be so much work, but if it is something I feel this disappointed about losing, isn't that a clue that it is something that I truly love?

This is something that I have been thinking a lot about lately, I suppose because the past few months have been particularly stressful ones in my life and I have been searching for relief and emotional therapy wherever I can find it. This, in addition to my issues with obtaining a permanent career forcing me to consider 'alternate' sources of income (hence the push for paying writing jobs) as well HOW exactly I want to bring in money...can I settle for a job that pays the bills, or do I have the confidence to go for a career that is built upon my passions?

I would love to join the ranks of these talented and creative gals with their Etsy shops and their cute, crafty projects. I feel like I could join them but I am not sure how, or if I have it in me. What would I even offer customers? What do I have a talent for that others would be attracted to enough to pay money for? Furthermore, where can I find the time to put the necessary effort into building such a career?

I suppose this post is just sort of a general musing about the state of my life at the moment and my fears and questions surrounding it, but I would love for those of you out there reading this who do own a creative business (full or part-time) to weigh-in! How do YOU do it? Do you think you can re-light a creative fire?

In conclusion, allow me to give kudos to those of you who DO run your own creative business, whether you make a living from it or not. You had a passion and you went for it and that deserves praise. There are so many, like me, who are either too scared or too lost to go for it (or who are not even sure they DO want it!) so you should be really proud of yourself.

Designers, artists, and generally crafty and creative mavens of the world - I salute you.

*Update: Check out this cool contest I just found out about today, related to this post -  'If You Could Start a Crafting Business Tomorrow What Would It Be?' 1 lucky grand-prize winner will be able to discuss their business idea with Ilasco in a 30-minute phone conversation! Plus she/he will receive a copy of Craft Inc. The 4 runners-up will also receive a copy of Craft Inc.

**Read the comments below the contest post to get some amazing business ideas!

Hidden Adventures (and frustrations)

My first blog post for Nova Scotia.com is now live! You can read it here.

As always, any feedback is appreciated! I hope my entries encourage those of you that live here to explore here more, and those of you that don't live here to visit sometime!

Photo taken by me, Five Islands Provincial Park

Unfortunately I am still sick - although I'm feeling better, I'm still not feeling good. Throat is still sore, still have a fever and generally low energy but I'm back to work because I just can't afford to take any more time off. I hate to complain about temping because it's helping me pay the bills while I look for a permanent job, they have been good to me, and ultimately I am the one choosing to do it, but I have to be honest - I am getting really really sick of not having a job that gives me paid sick or vacation time. Or that provides any kind of stability whatsoever.

First, they do not provide direct deposit, so I have to rely on waiting for cheques in the mail or going out of my way to pick them up (which was super-fun during the month-long postal strike). I am not provided any sick or vacation time, so these past two days I had to take off due to illness are a huge hit to my paycheque. Plus, I realized today that I was not paid for Canada Day (last Friday) even though it's a stat holiday because I didn't work the first scheduled day after the holiday (which was Monday in this case). I had remembered you had to work 15 of the previous 30 days in order to qualify for stat holiday pay, but had forgotten this other rule. So, this means TWO weeks of short paycheques in a row (one day short from last week, and next week will be two days short). Great.

Maybe I'm being a baby about this, but I don't really get why it's ok to doc me money because I physically COULD NOT work the first shift after the holiday. I can't help that I was sick - if I could have gone into work, I would have, but I couldn't. Besides, I shouldn't have to go into work if I feel it's endangering my health - it's not fair to me, and it's not fair to my coworkers. There is something wrong with a system that means people are dragging themselves into work half-dead simply to put in time to meet archaic and ridiculous rules. I had to borrow money from my mother in order to get a prescription and bus tickets because I have been so short the last couple of weeks. I HATE borrowing money from my mother, even though she doesn't mind and I appreciate it.

I am just getting so sick of temping. It's keeping my head above water and I appreciate that, and I certainly make more money doing it than I would if I took a retail job. But I barely make enough to get by and I am so tempted to just say "screw it" to finding a job in my field and just look for something that is easy to get but at least allows me a stable paycheque and benefits, like a secretary or receptionist somewhere. I feel like I have my foot in the door (finally) to a permanent career in a field I actually enjoy, so I am reluctant to pull that foot out, but I am just getting so sick of the unpredictability and stress that temporary work is giving me.

Sorry to rant - opening my cheque this morning just put me in a bad mood and I felt I needed to write it out.

Am I wrong? I know I should just quit complaining and do something about it, but I'm sort of at the point where I don't know WHAT to do. I feel like I'm damned if I do something, damned if I don't. Thoughts? Anyway, I'll figure it out - I'm just cranky today and need a nap. Or a giant cupcake.

Thanks for listening, internet.

War...what is it good for?

It was quite the scene on America's Next Top Model last night. I for one was shocked at Brittany's behaviour on the set of the Ford photo shoot, and I found the wheels in my head turning like crazy with my opinions about the incident - so much so that I felt I had to share.

(unfortunately I couldn't find a good video, so those of you that didn't see it may be a tad lost as to what I'm talking about, but sorry it's too much to explain)

I also felt I had to share because I feel there is a good lesson here that can be applied to everyday life. The models and the setting can serve as a metaphor for something everyone (in my opinion) should keep in mind.

Look, I dislike Alexandria as much as everyone else does - she is bossy, full of herself and sucks up to the judges - and I certainly understand the urge to call people like that out (I think we all have known people we would like to punch in the face). But the fact is, no matter what your feelings are about somebody, there is a time and place for voicing those opinions. The time and place is NOT your place of work or in any kind of setting where you are being closely analyzed and watched. And the time and place is CERTAINLY not in front of your boss, supervisor, or other important person (which, in this case, was photographer and judge, Nigel Barker). In fact, that is the last person you should be having immature yelling matches in front of. If you feel that you must confront the person that you have issues with, at least do it in private.

You know what happens when you have an angry confrontation with someone in front of other people? It doesn't call that person out so much as it makes YOU look like an idiot. It makes you look like an impulsive, crazy, irrational person. Instead of making you look like the bigger person, it stoops you down to the other person's level. I'm not saying that a confrontation like this does NOT make the other person look bad, but it also makes YOU look bad, and why would you want that?

I am probably not a good person to judge others when it comes to confrontation and the proper way of doing it because I'm the most non-confrontational person ever. I am very shy about calling people out and in most cases will not say anything, even if I really want to. However, part of the reason I do not confront people even if I want to is because I do not necessarily feel that confrontation is helpful in all situations. And I feel that even if confrontation will be helpful in a situation, that there is a certain way it should be done.

Aside from it being done in private, I think it helps if a confrontation is done civilly. In fact, I don't really like the word "confrontation" for that reason - if a situation is "confrontational" it inherently implies anger and aggression. It conjures up the image of a pair of guests on an episode of Jerry Springer - faces inches apart, mouths wide open and flapping rapidly, wild eyes, arms flapping up and down and fingers wagging. I don't know about you, but I find that to be a rather scary and intimidating image.

You know what Microsoft Word lists as synonyms for "confrontation"? Argument, disagreement, quarrel, altercation, war of words, conflict, row, opposition, resistance, defiance. I prefer the word "discussion", whose synonyms are listed as follows: conversation, debate, argument, dialogue, talk, chat. Now, do those synonyms not sound less scary to you?!

My point is, discussing a problem you have with another person does not have to be angry. There is a way to discuss such things in a way that is straightforward and lets them know that you are frustrated, while also staying calm. You can state your case in a clear, articulate way and ultimately get your point across more clearly and avoid a lot of misunderstanding. The thing is, yelling and anger only invites more yelling and more anger and it is pretty tough to bring an angry yelling match to a happy conclusion. However, the same is true for calm and rationale - they invite more calm and more rationale. Obviously, some people are going to get angry with what you say whether you say it calmly or not, but the difference there is that it will only be THEM making an ass of themselves instead of both of you. You will look positively saintly next to their volatility. Either that or the other person is not going to change anyway or even care about your opinion of them. Either way, you will have made your point and kept your dignity intact at the same time.

Plus, lets be honest you will get a great laugh from seeing their face turn bright red and their spit fly.

I admit, I respect people who can confront others in an assertive yet articulate way because I have a lot of trouble with that, and that's another part of the reason why I generally don't confront people - when I do, my emotions start to well up and I start rambling, turning red and sputtering as a result. In most cases, it's just better for me to not get into it. However, I will never respect people who choose to unload their frustrations in an angry and public way - I will just continue to shake my head in disbelief at their behaviour and be convinced that they are starved for attention and/or extremely conceited.

This is pretty much what I was doing all last night while watching the antics on ANTM unfold. The crappy thing is, I like Brittany a lot and she is one of my favourite girls on the show this year. However, I lost a lot of respect for her because of this incident, and it's clear that the judges and the other girls did too (did anyone else notice how NO ONE backed Brittany up when she finally did confront Alexandria? Funny how that happens-the other girls obviously know how to keep their feelings to themselves). That is HUGE, especially when it comes to a career like modelling which is based in large part on reputation. And HELLO?! You are supposed to be a role model! What kind of message are you sending to young girls who watch you? It's bad enough that models make young girls feel fat and ugly, lets not add to that by justifying unprofessional behaviour too.

I totally agree with everything Tyra told her (even though Tyra frankly annoys me a lot of the time), but I also agree that she should be given a second chance because another thing I believe is that someone should not be judged on one decision or incident, but by their overall "body of work".

We make mistakes - we get angry and don't think rationally, we use poor judgment and say things we don't mean, that's part of being a human being. Lord knows I have gotten upset over silly things millions of times before, put my foot in my mouth only to feel like a huge douche and/or moron later. But the key is to learn from these mistakes and not make poor decisions like this a trend. Freaking out angrily and publicly once is one thing - doing it on the daily is a whole other issue. I just hope Brittany learned a lesson from all of this.

The  bottom line is: The way I see it, when in doubt, keep your mouth shut.

I'm an "inextrovert"! What about you?

Man, I hate Mondays. I hate them even more after staying up until midnight to watch the Golden Globes. I always say I'm not going to stay up and watch the whole thing ("ok, next commerical break, I'm going to bed...") but I always end up doing it. I live-tweeted throughout the whole evening, which was actually fun! It was like sitting around chatting about the show in real time with your friends. Plus, making fun of celebrities is always a good time. I love how Ricky Gervais can make them squirm! Mwahaha.

Anyhoo, one thing I do like about Monday's is that it means the "Monday Morning Motivator" will be in my email inbox! I signed up for this weekly email a while back when I was researching career coaching. It's sort of an email "newsletter" sent out on Mondays by CareerJoy, a "Canadian Career Coaching Company", and it always contains a short headliner advice article that is usually an interesting read.

This week's email headliner, entitled "Yes, but I'm an introvert...", caught my eye. The article states:

"Are you an introvert or an extrovert? If you are in introvert you are in good company. Introverts make up around 25% of the population. Some famous introverts include, Barbara Walters, Warren Buffet & Pierre Trudeau. Carl Jung defined introverts as "inward turning" and extroverts as "outward turning." Introverts are more energized alone, extroverts are energized by people. The classic myth is introverts are not as good with people, as extroverts are. We are all social beings, introverts can in many ways be better with people, they tend to be better listeners, more creative and more analytical. There are many advantages to being "inward turning" I would argue that it has never been a better time to be an introvert. With the rise of social media tools like, blogging. Linkedin, twitter and Facebook, great platforms for the person who is more introverted by nature. Social media is an "introverts" paradise."

This article mainly caught my eye because I've always considered myself to be an introvert. But on the other hand, I would consider myself to be an extrovert in some situations. Generally, I'm a shy person who is really uncomfortable approaching strangers and it takes me a while to warm up to people. However, I also enjoy socializing, meeting new people and having conversations. Which side of me predominates really depends on the dynamics and circumstances of each individual situation. I cannot be around people all the time (I have to have alone time and some social situations give me major anxiety) but I also can't be alone all the time either (I start to go stir-crazy if I don't socialize for a while and I love just being "out" with people where things are happening).

I know this is a complete contradiction but I'm willing to bet that the majority of people are this way, i.e. a mixture of intro and extroversion.

The thing that really gets me is that being introverted in our society is sort of seen as a negative thing. As Alan says above, "The classic myth is introverts are not as good with people, as extroverts are", and as someone who has been  classified as "introverted" pretty much her entire life, this stereotype is frustrating. (this post sort of relates to this one, where I discuss my Myers-Briggs personality type).

In our society, introversion is generally associated with anti-socialness (or at least poor social skills), being uptight and conservative, risk-averse, and agoraphobic, whereas extroversion is associated with being fun, talkative, adventurous and charismatic. For some reason, if you have a quieter personality and are a listener or thinker rather than a talker, than you are seen as wierd, mysterious, or as an outsider. Someone who doesn't like people and isn't open to new ideas and experiences. Just try Googling "introvert" and check out the image results (lets just say many of them are depressing).

I have struggled with shyness and self-consciousness my entire life, and I still struggle with it. I've come a long way and I become more and more ok with it as I get older but this is probably something I will always have with me. I'm becoming more and more ok with the fact that it's part of who I am but I can't lie, it's frustrating not being one of those people who (seemingly) feels comfortable talking to anyone about anything.

Much of the frustration that comes from being a "quiet" person stems not so much from wanting to change this about myself but from the judgments that people make because of it. I've had so many people assume that I just don't like people, that I have nothing important to say, that I'm a "goody-goody" who is timid and weak and obviously those things are completely off-base. I have had people even assume that shyness is something that I chose, that I can just snap my fingers and magically be outgoing all the time. Trust me, if it were that easy I would have done it by now. I do agree that my shyness is something I can work on overcoming by putting myself outside my comfort zone (and I try to do that as much as possible), but it's a lot easier said than done.

I just think there is something to be said for being quiet at times. I think there is something to be said for holding some things back, for thinking and listening before talking, for observing rather than interacting, for taking time to recharge and reflect, for having fewer, closer friends rather than a humongous social circle. It doesn't mean I won't chew you out or stand up for myself/loved ones if I feel the need. And you might find this hard to believe, but I actually love going on adventures, having opinionated heated debates, and I've partied too hard many times (hey I've got "skydiving" on my "30 B4 30" list, ok?)

I'm sorry if this sounds sort of "rant-y" as I didn't intend it to be. I'm not trying to get on a soap-box here and rant about how no one understands me. I just wanted to say that (as a traditionally "introverted" person) I have had many people make assumptions about me based on that alone. I may be an introvert, but that's not all I am. And extroverts are much more than their general personalities, too. Human beings are extremely complex creatures and it's not as simple as sticking a label on someone's shoulder and calling it a day.
In any case, regardless of what categories you do or don't fit into, it's not about the cards you are dealt it's how you play them.

Just remember, in games of chance (like life) it is often the quiet, unassuming ones you have to watch out for! (mwahaha) *wink*

Grab that cash with both hands, and make a stash

I hate money. And I don't really understand it.

Well, I think what I don't really understand is how people use it.

I've noticed a trend in the blogosphere along these lines lately. There are many bloggers that I follow who seem to have an endless supply of money. I say "seem" to because I really have no idea if they actually do have an endless supply of money, and in fact, most of these people are ones I'd assume would NOT have such a thing.

Yet, here they are, discussing the new clothes, house, pet, car, computer, ipad, or whatever they have just bought. Some of them seem to be out shopping and buying hundreds of dollars of new things EACH WEEK.

If they are not talking about buying "things", they are taking trips to faraway places (seemingly) every few months - jetting off to New York for fashion week, jetting to San Fransisco to visit a friend, taking shopping trips to Paris (then proceeding to post all their purchases from Louis Vuitton in enviable photo montages).

It just makes me wonder - WHERE DO THEY GET THE MONEY FOR THIS?! I certainly can't afford to jet off wherever I want on a trip once a year or buy new clothes and electronics every week. Mind you, I'm working a temp's wage right now but that's not even the point (there are certainly enough examples in the world of people who are living the lives they want, while on a tight budget).

How am I SO different from these people? Do they just make enough money that they have enough disposable income to buy these extra things? Are they spending money they don't have? Do they get "income boosts" from other sources (i.e. spouse, parents, inheritance, small side-business, etc)? I'm sure depending on the person, it could be any of the above, and if it is, I can more clearly see how they are able to spend money every other week on new stuff.

But, with some of them you have to wonder - I still can't help thinking to myself, "this person is a blogger/employee at a non-profit/insert other non-well-paying job here...how can they realistically have that much to spend?". I mean, these people must all have bills, same as me! They must have rent/mortgage to pay, just like me!

Am I just horrible at budgeting? Am I just more financially irresponsible than these people? I somehow doubt it; I'm certainly not the Queen of Budgeting but for the most part I'm financially responsible and careful about where my money goes (even more so since dealing with a huge pay cut the past 3 or so months). And, everyone knows that in our "credit-hog" culture it is all too easy to spend money without thinking about it or dealing with the consequences. But I still don't understand how it's possible sometimes. And there is just something that irks me about seeing post after post of "look at all the beautiful, expensive designer things I own and how cool they make me look".

I should say that I realize it's not any of my business how other people spend their money, and I want to make it clear that if you earn your money in an honourable way and you want to reward yourself once in a while, that is totally and completely understandable. I'm not knocking anyone for buying themselves things. Trust me, if I had more disposable income I would be doing the same thing! I also realize it's a no-brainer that what we see from the outside looking in on a person's life is nowhere near the whole story. Many of these people probably ARE spending more than they should and are in dire financial straights.

So, maybe I'm just jealous or being too critical or something, I dunno. I'm probably being too harsh because I wish I didn't have to stress about money so much. I'm sure most of these people I'm wailing on are just resourceful and good at saving money, and I should just get better at it. But I just can't help but wonder if I missed the memo.

Am I totally alone here? Has anyone else noticed this trend in blogs or IRL? Do you sometimes wonder how others do it?

Celebrate Good Times (or not?)

Disclaimer: I don't really hate birthdays, but I do love cats in clothes. Speaking of which, I will gladly accept gifts from anyone who is so inclined to send me one. I would prefer the cat in the above photo, but I will also accept trips to Hawaii if more convenient. Thank you.

So, it's now t-minus 19 days until my 26th birthday. Most other years, I would have had the night planned a month ago - made reservations, sent invites out, developed higher and higher expectations the closer the date came. However, this year is different.

As of now I have made NO plans for the bday. None.

I don't know why but this year I just don't CARE about my bday. It has nothing to do with the number (though it is a little scary that I'll now be in my "late 20's") because that really doesn't bother me. It has nothing to do with not having ideas (I've come up with a few possibilities). Part of me does care, and part of me wants to care more, but I just don't.

You see, having a birthday two weeks before Christmas is not necessarily the most fun. Two weeks before Christmas isn't exactly prime socializing time for people I know - it's always exam time, broke-from-Christmas-shopping time, family get-together time, etc etc. I realize it could be worse (I could have been born on Christmas Day or something - though that certainly has worked out well for Jesus), but it's pretty frustrating when your plans consistently have to be modified or cancelled altogether to accommodate said bad timing.

And it's not just about bad timing - since many of my friends have moved away, or become marrieds, parents, married parents, or on-the-verge-of-married parents they just do not want to go out as much as they used to, if at all. Most prefer a quiet night in to a night out at a restaurant, concert or dancing. Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not knocking quiet nights in - I love these too, and when it comes right down to it the company is more important than the activity. However, it is nice sometimes, especially for a special occasion, such as a birthday, to go out - to get gussied up, drink fancy drinks and eat fancy food, watch people do funny or crazy things, and just let loose.

So, because my preference for celebrating, and the preferences of others, don't necessarily coincide I usually end up compromising "the plan" in order to not (depressingly) spend my birthday alone drinking a box of wine (though come to think of it, that doesn't sound so bad...)

Beyond the above, my friends have also just gotten BUSIER. They have more responsibilities and commitments (as do I) and therefore less spare time. I also hate being the centre of attention and generally get uncomfortable with being "fawned" over, so more often than not I try to plan things around making everyone happy and doing something that everyone will enjoy (which is, of course, impossible) to deflect the attention from me to the group as a whole.

Needless to say, all of these factors combined together serve to only make my birthday plans a huge chore - complicated and tiring. Rather than make me look forward to the day, I just end up dreading it all and worrying that it's not going to work out as I want it to, or ultimately ending up disappointed because it didn't, in fact, work out how I wanted it to.

So, this year I'm taking a break from birthday planning and...well, not planning anything. As I mentioned it's my mom's birthday too so we will spend the day together Dec 11th (we're getting our hair done, going to lunch then shopping as civilized and chic ladies do - or so I've heard), but other than that I will be passing the day with nary a glance or a care.

It's probably most appropriate to celebrate my birthday with my mom anyway, as it were. After all, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have been born and therefore would not even have a birthday. And she didn't just give BIRTH to me, she had a c-section and she CHOSE the date. She CHOSE to have major surgery and languish in a hospital bed on her BIRTHDAY, just so that I could be brought into the world. And there is something pretty cool about that (though kinda crazy at the same time - wtf were you thinking mom, seriously?!).

So I guess it's nice to know that no matter what, no matter how many plans get cancelled, how many friends are too busy or too broke to celebrate with me, that there is at least one person out there with whom I'll be sharing this special day.

And if all else fails, I will just "move" my birthday to July. Everyone wants to come to a pool party, especially one with cake!

How do you normally celebrate your birthday? What are your thoughts about birthday celebrating in general? Overrated?

The Middle

People of the Internet - lend me your advice!! (would'ya?). I'm trying to make a major decision, and in true me fashion, I'm having trouble with it. I've talked to friends and family members already, but sometimes it's good to get points of view from completely objective people who don't really know you, who have nothing to gain or lose and have no emotions tied up in the decision (though even if you know me personally, I still welcome your opinion).

I have contemplated going back to school for a while now. My struggle finding a job in Public Relations (which is what I actually have a degree in) has opened my eyes to the fact that I'm not sure the field is entirely for me, and I'm also in the crappy position of not having enough experience, but no one willing to GIVE me the experience I need. I'm stuck. So, I feel like I need a change and that I need to upgrade my skills; switch gears a bit or maybe start over. It's a good time to do it as I'm single and don't really have any obligations tying me down (no mortgage, car or kids). I also am still young enough that going back to school won't be an enormous adjustment and when I get out I'll still have a good 30 years of career-building to look forward to.

However, I'm very torn as to what kind of education I should get. At this moment, I'm torn between two completely different possibilities - two possibilities that each have their own merits and their own disadvantages.

On the one hand, I could go back to college (not University) and take a 2 year diploma in Graphic Design, which is something I already have experience in, is related to my existing degree, and is something I think I could be really good at (it's already been proven that I have the basic skills and talent to do well in such a field). This is the main possibility I've been considering up until now. On the other hand, I could take a more ambitious route and take a Bachelors degree in Nursing, which is a field I don't have as much experience in, but do think it would be a rewarding field that could open up a lot of interesting doors for me. My current temp job is actually at a local University in the School of Nursing, funnily enough, and I guess interacting with the students and faculty and doing some research into the field has sort of opened my eyes to this possibility (and perhaps it's not a coincidence that I ended up working there??? Hmmm...)

I have gone over and over and over this in my mind and I'm just not getting anywhere. This is where you come in - I would really appreciate any advice, comments or insights that any of you can provide in the comments below. I realize many of you may not have any experience or insight into EITHER field, but you still may have a unique perspective or remind me of some points I'm not considering! One option I've considered is applying to one and if that doesn't work out then pursuing the other option (for example, attempting to get into Nursing - the more competitive of the two - and if I don't get in, then pursuing GD), but I just don't know.

Here I will list the positive and negative points for each option that I'm currently considering:

GRAPHIC DESIGN: *smaller risk*
- shorter program (would be out by age 29, less investment)
- less expensive (but depends on what program and expenses - may have to get a new laptop, buy software, etc, and this could all add up; plus it could generally be harder to get work in the field, and chances are starting salaries would be medicore - could be harder to pay off debt)
- already have a base of skills and experience; would be fairly easy to apply and get in
- passion for the field (doing something creative professionally really appeals to me, as well as eventually cutting myself off from "the man" and working for myself); and could combine with other passions - writing, blogging, fashion - to develop some interesting projects or offer some valuable services; plus I like the idea of working//collaborating with other creative people
- could complete program away or at home
- no opportunities to study/volunteer abroad, which is something I'd like to do

NURSING: *bigger risk*
- longer program (4 years vs. 2 - would be age 31 when completed)
- more expensive (but pretty much guaranteed a job with a good salary upon graduation, and this is a field that will only grow and create more jobs)
- no previous experience (I've barely been in a hospital my entire life)
- could be very hard to get into the program (haven't taken science courses since high school and even then they weren't my favourite, there would most likely be an interview so I'd have to prove why I should be chosen over others; plus there are limited spots available so could end up on a wait list)
- not sure I have the passion for it or would be "cut out" for it (like that I would be able to help people and would be positively contributing to society, but don't feel it's a "calling" for me - also it's a tough job (could involve shift work, on your feet all day, dealing with emotional issues like death and serious illness, not to mention gross things like "bodily fluids", touching total strangers, etc) *I do feel, however, that I could develop a passion for this field (but there's of course the worry that this wouldn't happen and I'd end up hating it)*
- could complete the program anywhere and work anywhere upon graduation; also like the idea of being able to volunteer/study abroad (e.g. health initiatives in Africa, research projects); further to this my mom is a nurse, so she could be a great resource/contact, and my brother/sister-in-law could as well (they both work at the BC Cancer Agency - sister-in-law as Assistant to the Nursing Director), and I could talk to profs/staff through my work to gain insight into whether it would be a good choice for me
- could be an interesting lifelong career (don't necessarily have to work in a hospital - could do research, admin work, combine with current PR degree, start my own business, write books - lots of opportunity to grow)

That's all I can think of so far. I think the crux of this debate is whether I should take a smaller risk (i.e. choose the "safer" option) and avoid a lot of extra work and stress (though there's no guarantee of that), or take a bigger risk and (possibly) get bigger rewards? Or maybe there are other fields related to the above that might be a good fit for me but I'm just not aware of them or thinking of them? Have at it in the comments!

So, which one would you pick if you were me??

(very much appreciate the comments in advance)

*Not sure if you noticed, but I didn't post yesterday - and frankly, this posting every day thing is just too much for me, so I'm not gonna do it anymore. I'm still participating in NaBloPoMo, but will only post when I have something of value to say. This makes much more sense, and really who cares as long as you're blogging?*

Falling in Love (is hard on the knees)

I was reading this post on one of my favourite blogs today (as I often do...well, if you call every day often), writing a comment in agreement with her post, and I realize I had an opinion I wanted to run with (again as I often do). So...well, I suppose it would be easier for me if I just showed you rather than told you - here's my comment (you may wanna also read the post linked above so that you get the gist of the issue being discussed):

I totally agree with all your points above! I’m going to be 26 in December and I’m single and NOWHERE CLOSE to getting married anytime soon. I live in my own place and have for over 1 year and a half, and seriously (though it sucks being broke a lot of the time) it was one of the best decisions ever. And this is coming from someone who FIRST moved out with her bf of only 8 mths when neither of them had ever lived on their own. BAD IDEA!! As you can imagine, we only lasted another 5 or 6 mths after that, but the good news is we’re now good friends and I got the chance to live totally on my own and I’ve grown so much. I was always a mature person, but I’ve matured even more and realized just how tough and perserverant I am. It’s been much easier to “find myself” without someone else “distracting” me…..hmm you know what?! This has my brain going, I’m going to do a whole post on this!! haha xo *

*(And AGAIN as I often do, I wrote a novel when a 3 sentence comment would do)

As promised, I'm going to continue my comment in this post. I feel like talking about this issue is a bit like beating a dead horse (I've discussed this issue before on my blog and other issues similar to it), but I also think there's a reason for that. This is an issue that I'm constantly confronted with at this stage in my life and it frustrates me.

I'm just going to come right out with it...

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY in the 21st-century do young women STILL place so much importance on getting married?! On having a wedding?! I. Don't. Get. It.

Now before you jump down my throat, I'm not saying getting married or having a wedding is a BAD thing. In fact, I love weddings - they can be really fun, romantic and elegant events and I think if you've found someone you are committed to loving for life that it's wonderful to celebrate that with your loved ones.

However, I don't think getting married or having a wedding is something that someone HAS to do.
I don't think it's something that should be rushed into.
I don't think it's something that one should pay the equivalent of the GDP of CHINA for.
I don't think you should revolve your entire wedding around other people and what they feel is best.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that wedding marketing as a whole is primarily targeted to women. NOT to couples. Women. Of course, part of the reason for this is that the brides traditionally manage the majority of the wedding planning. However, I also feel it's because women just care about weddings more.

And why not?! You get to be a princess for a day, you get to be the centre of attention and of a large circle of love and admiration, you get to dress up more elegantly than you ever have before.

But in the end it's just a wedding. It's one day of your life. I'm not saying it's not an important day, but it's not THE MOST important. People seem to forget that the wedding is over pretty quick and that you have a lifetime (if all works out) to look forward to afterwards. I mean what's more important, one perfect day or a hundred thousand great ones (with a few shitty ones thrown in for good measure - c'est le vie, non')?

Anyway, I want to make it very clear that I'm not wedding or bride bashing here. I'm just trying to provide some perspective because (as I mentioned) it seems to me that lately I'm surrounded by "wedding talk" in various forms. And by lately I mean pretty much ever since I turned 24. Perhaps it's just me, but I doubt it. I've talked to others my age (both attached and not) and I'm not alone in my opinions.

When it comes right down to it, my motto is "to each his (or her) own". I just know that a wedding (and a marriage) is not necessarily something I want. I'm not saying it's something I DON'T want. I'm just not sure. And I guess I'm just not in any rush. I realize I am single and "haven't met the right person" (as people keep telling me) but even if I had, I feel that it wouldn't matter because this is a time of self-discovery. I'm enjoying being on my own because it's allowing me to connect to the person that (ultimately) I'm truly stuck with for life -  ME! I feel like I'm still figuring myself out, what I want, what I don't want, where I want to be in 5 or 10 years, settling into the perfect career for me, etc. In other words, I'M LIVING, or trying to. I don't know that I want a wedding because I don't know what I want in life!

This is a time for commitment to me, as cheesy as that sounds. Do I want to settle down eventually? Well, of course I do. Of course I want to find a special person who "gets" me and that I "get", that respects me and encourages me, and who makes me a better person. I want to build a life with someone and have a companion to talk to and build a portfolio of experiences with. I'm human, and ALL humans want this.

But, when it comes right down to it, I don't need a piece of paper with some signatures on it and an overpriced buffet dinner to prove that I love someone and want to commit to them forever. I can just tell them this myself (and him to me) and save a lot of money and stress (did I mention save money?). Also, I guess it's not about not wanting a wedding, it's about wanting a wedding that is "me", and that means "non-traditional".

Gah, who knows?! I'm a cynic, I'm the first one to admit that, so perhaps I just need to lighten up.

Seriously though, to all of you past brides and brides-to-be out there, to all of you who are currently swooning over invitations and seating plans or have in the past, to all of you who have found the person you believe to be "the one", I just want to say this: Congratulations. I'm happy for you. Enjoy. You are very lucky.

But if one more of you looks at me with a pouty face and says "aw, don't worry, you'll find someone too" (or something similar) I swear to God I will slap that pretty white tulle off your head so fast it'll make your head spin straight into your Silver Anniversary party.

(Please don't hurt me, ladies)

Ball of Confusion

I've been taking a little break from the blog and other social media (aside from a couple of facebook and twitter updates) because I've had a lot going on in my personal life and, to be honest, was not feeling very inspired or motivated to write.

On top of adjusting to this new temp job, while also continuing to look for permanent work and dealing with being completely broke, my cat became sick this past weekend. She's been having "litter box" issues for a few months now, but I had her urine tested (and no infection found) and the incidences have been very sporadic and her other habits have remained normal so I didn't think anything of it.

Until last Saturday. I won't go into every detail as it's a long story but suffice to say I had to take her to the vet, and long story short the xray and blood tests they did discovered a "mass" (most likely a tumour) in her belly, as well as an infection in her bowel. To treat this tumour and get her healthy again would require major surgery, with no guarantee it would even work. Not to mention it would be traumatizing to her mind and body, especially considering she's somewhere between 15 and 17 years old. To put her through this would be cruel, not to mention exhorbinantly expensive at a time when I can barely afford a bus pass.

So, considering what the future most likely held, the medical opinions I received and discussions I had with family members, I decided that the best thing to do would be to put her down. I was very upset and tense over the weekend, but I knew it had to be done. I feel lucky that she was well enough to bring home for a few days so that I could spend time with her, and that's just what I did from Sunday to Thursday when the deed was actually done. Being in the room and holding her while they injected her and even leaving her in the room when it was all over was extremely painful, but in the end I felt relief; relief that she was no longer going to suffer and that we caught her illness in time that she was able to go in a quiet, comfortable, unrushed way.

I couldn't help but think if I had gone out of town last Saturday morning as I originally planned, or I hadn't been home when she showed the signs of serious illness that appeared that day, that I might have continued on oblivious to her condition for what could have been weeks or months while she slowly deteriorated inside only to come home one day to find her half dead (or fully dead) on the floor and have to put her down very abruptly without having time to come to terms with it. That is such a blessing. And it was also a huge blessing that my mom was around and happened to have the money to pay for her tests last weekend, otherwise I would have had to walk out of that clinic without finding anything out about her condition.

Life is funny sometimes. It's also strange because only the day before (last Friday), I had lunch with a friend and we had a chat about how we'd both love to take off and move somewhere but have all these reasons why we can't. The main reason I discussed was...well, the cat. When it came right down to it she presented various complicated obstacles to my mobility and freedom, as crass as it sounds. I would OF COURSE never wish for something like this to happen as I loved that cat with all my heart and will miss her terribly, but I can't help but think "hmmmm...interesting". The timing is amazingly coincidental since I'm currently in a kind of "limbo" where I'm thinking alot about my future and re-evaluating what direction I want to go in next. Going away to work and school has been one of the ideas at the forefront of my mind (well, has been for a while now) and I can't help but think the combination of trouble finding work in my field, and the unfortunate loss of Nutty is somehow a sign that this is the time for me to make a change. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but sometime in the near future.

I don't know, I'm sort of rambling here - I'm a reflective person by nature, but this time in my life has forced me to be even more reflective than usual - but I guess all I'm trying to get at is that this is all for the best and everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that about life.

Anyway, I am still not feeling the most motivated and inspired, but I do feel better than I did. For the most part, I'm done with moping around and worrying and wishing. I'm going to start being proactive! I have various projects on the brain that I want to research and explore, and I feel this is the perfect time to do this. I know if I just stay positive and make a plan for myself and just GO FOR IT instead of worrying that I'll be fine. I'll get my inspiration and motivation back. This time is a test for me - a test of my resolve and how resourceful and perserverant I can be. This is another thing I truly believe about life - that we get bad things thrown at us as a kind of "test" of our character, and that we don't get anything thrown at us that we can't, deep-down inside, handle.

I can't say when I'll get back to my regular blogging, social media, writing schedule but I know it will be soon. You haven't seen the end of me yet! Au contrare, it's only the beginning!

As some smart gal I know always says, I just gotta keep on rollin'.

Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

So, officially have two days down at the new (temp) job, and honestly it's not going the best so far. The gals in the office are nice, walking to work has been awesome, and I finally have at least a little bit of money coming in.

However, my brain is also ready to explode from all the information it has taken in, I'm feeling very stupid and frustrated because I can't answer any questions and I don't know where the bleep anything is.

Overall the best way to describe the way I'm feeling is this: lost.

I'm feeling lost right now.

I realize I just started the new job and this feeling will pass with time - lord knows I've been the "new" person enough times to know this - but that's cold comfort when you're in the "newbie" state of mind (not New York, New-Bie).

And to tell you the truth, I'm not just feeling lost in this job, I'm feeling lost in life. Period. I've been keeping my eye out on marketing/communications jobs listings in my area and making note of ones that sound interesting, since as of now I'm not planning on staying where I am forever. But nothing has really caught my eye. No jobs have jumped out at me from the screen and made me think, "wow! That sounds perfect for me!" or "that sounds really fun/rewarding/interesting, etc". There has been a few that have made me think, "that sounds...ok/pretty good/not bad, etc", but no "wow's".

Now, I'm a realist. I realize it's hard to find a "wow/perfect" job, and most people never find it. I know I should be content with having any job. I also realize I'm only 25 and have "lots" of time to figure this out (or at least that's what other people tell me all the time). But the fact is I'm not content with "just having a job" anymore. And sure, right now I'm only 25, but this is the time in my life when I should be cultivating a career and laying the groundwork for future success. And that's just not happening.

And the more I think about it, the more jobs I peruse, and the more people I talk to, the more I realize that the issue is not the jobs.

The issue is not that there are no good jobs out there right now for me, or no good jobs period. The issue is I HAVE NO SWEET CLUE WHAT JOB I REALLY WANT OR WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

This is nothing new; I've never claimed to have my life all figured out or to have a plan for what dreams to follow. I have NEVER really known what I want to do. But by the time I finished my Public Relations degree, I thought it was a field I could see myself in. I thought I could make a career out of it, and that maybe (just maybe) I had found my niche (or at least close enough to it that I could be satisfied). But now I'm not so sure. Now I'm faced with feeling lukewarm about any job in this field that I stumble upon, being close to 26 years old and not really having any concrete experience in the field, and therefore being denied access to opportunities that could potentially give me more experience...because I don't have enough experience.

Capiche?

Anyway, the point is I JUST DON'T KNOW. In a way, I'm glad I am doing temp work right now because I'm thinking this is maybe a good time for me to reexamine my professional life. Maybe it's time for a change. I've been focusing on a field because that's what my degree is in (basically) and it's not working; so perhaps it's a sign that it's not right for me.

The trouble is I have no clue what IS right for me. I know what I like - I like to write, I like blogging and connecting with people through social media, I like mobility and freedom, I like helping people and feeling valuable/dependable, I like challenges, I like to try new things, I like to be creative and to use new, unique methods for completing tasks. I also know what I don't like - I don't like monotony, I don't like people looking over my shoulder while I work, I don't like close-mindedness or rigidness, I don't like manipulation or secrecy, and I don't like bureaucracy or hierarchy.

It's pretty much impossible to find a job that allows all of the above. And even if it were possible, I would have no idea what the actual job would look like, what it would be called or where it would be. The more I think about it, the more I think I should and could go into business for myself. I'm very attracted to the freedom of this option, being my own boss and being able to control what work I do and when, and being able to have a more personal connection to my clients or whomever I "serve".

However, working for yourself also means saying "bye bye" to financial stability and probably having a lot of doors slammed in your face before any are opened widely. The fear of failure is terrifying. Besides, aside from the fears, if you are going to start a business or start a new career period, you have to know WHAT kind of business or new career you want to start. Knowing what you like and don't like, and what your strengths and weaknesses are isn't enough. You have to know what shape and title should be attached to your personal set of strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes. You have to know how to combine your desires and your qualities into a particular vocation. And (I hate to sound like a broken record, but) I JUST DON'T KNOW.

I don't mean to complain or whine about how hard my life is and WAH WAH WAH. I have a very good life and for the most part I am happy that I have ANY job. But I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not doing what I'm "supposed" to be doing. That there are opportunities out there for me if I only knew where to look and what to look for. When it comes right down to it, I don't just want a JOB. I want a CAREER. I want a PASSIONATE PROFESSIONAL LIFE. I know it's silly and completely counterintuitive to the inate unfairness of life, but I just want to feel like I'm doing something important with my time and that I'm making enough money to be comfortable, but that I'm doing it for some valuable reason.

I'm basically just venting here; sending my worries and thoughts into the "void", but I would also love some feedback. Any advice, thoughts, suggestions you might have about how to get out of this funk, things I can try to get a better idea of what jobs I might be good at or what skills I can cultivate further and eventually develop into a career...anything really! Please share. I need direction. If nothing else, it's helpful to hear I'm not alone and hopeless.

THIS is why I have a sore throat. And in case you didn't know, there are no paid sick days with temp work.

Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop #4: Single White Female

It's been a while since I've participated in Mama Kat's writing challenge, but I really liked her prompts for this week.

The prompt that most spoke to me was:
2.) A list of things you no longer have in common with your married/child bearing friends…and why you love them anyways.

Oooooh boy, I could write a novel about this (but I won't). It's very interesting - there was a shift about a year or two ago and all of a sudden everyone I know was either living with a significant other, engaged or pregnant. As someone who was not even contemplating any of these things, this "shift" was completely baffling to me.

I mean I was (and still am) very happy for these friends, of course, and excited for them to be entering a new stage in life. But on the other hand, it made me think to myself: "We're only 23/24?! We're not adults yet!! When did this happen?!". Now I'm very mature for my age and always have been, so being afraid of "growing up" shouldn't really be an issue for me (I grew up a long time ago in actuality), but for some reason things like moving in, getting married and having kids were very "adult" things in my mind and so it was hard to reconcile that my friends, who were younger than me and still (like me) figuring out who they were, were all of a sudden being "adults".

When this shift happened, I felt like there was something wrong with me, like if everyone else is doing these things than I should be too and WHY aren't I?! It can be very lonely when everyone you are close to has a companion to go take trips with and a date for Christmas parties. I'm one of the only ones in my core group of friends who is single and also lives alone, so there's no way avoiding at least occasionally feeling like a 3rd or 5th wheel. That's not fun.

But for the most part, I love my single life. I love having complete freedom and independence, and to be able to go where I want, when I want and not have to answer to or consult anyone. I could take off for another country tomorrow if I wanted to and I wouldn't have to worry about cutting attached strings, and that's a wonderful thing.
 
However, it's very frustrating not being able to relate to my friends like I used to. Not only are most of them attached, but they all want to get married and start having kids before 30 (if they haven't done this already); they want to settle down and buy a house in the suburbs and have a regular 9-5 existence. They want to stay in and have games nights instead of going out dancing or to concerts. Sure, they can remember what it's like to deal with "single issues", but they have enough distance from them that they don't really understand those issues. It's hard to talk to someone about being single when they can't really relate to what that means.
 
This is fine, by the way - everyone's personality and life goals are different and there is nothing wrong with that - it's just tough to talk to them about the future when our visions of it are completely different (and talking about the future is nice to do with friends). I'm not saying I never want to get married or have kids, but I'm undecided; I want to be 100% sure about those things before doing them and I'm just not there yet, and I don't see myself being sure by the time I'm 30. Who knows, perhaps I'll change my mind in a few years, but overall I feel that I just have different priorities for my life - I want to establish a fun, rewarding career that gives me freedom and mobility, I want to travel, I want to live in other places, etc, etc. There are things I want to do and see and the fact is it's much harder to accomplish this once you are saddled with kids and a mortgage so I'm in no rush to procure either of these.
 
I feel that some people are meant to contribute to the world by building families, and others are not, and I just don't think I'm a part of the former group. I'm just not sure I'm meant to settle down in the traditional sense.
 
In any case, even though my friends have different lifestyles and goals than I do, they are still really sweet, fun, intelligent people and I plan on having many more good times with them. Life changes; people change. That's the only guarantee in life (aside from death and taxes), and that's ok. You keep the good friends you have, go out and make new friends that fit your current lifestyle and outlook, and you move on. We sure would be a boring species if we never evolved our characters and way of life! Who knows who (or what) I will become by the time I reach my 30's (and when it comes right down to it, as long as I'm not working at McDonald's or have giant fake boobs, I'll be pretty happy).

What about you? Are you single or married? Do you have kids? Do you want to do these things? Do your friends have similar lifestyles to you or no? Have you noticed changes in how you relate to one another over time?

The Kids Are (Not) Alright

I was sitting in a coffee shop with my mom yesterday after work enjoying a lovely cappuccino and cookie, reading the paper, trying to relax my stressed mind, overwhelmed with job-interview anxiety among other things.

However it was rather hard to relax given that there were 3 kids in the "toy area" yelling at the top of their lungs to each other and banging the toys around as much as they could. It sounded like they were dismantling a frigin nuclear missile over there given the sounds of destruction that were coming from that corner. After a bit they proceeded to leave the "toy area" and run up and down the stairs and back repeatedly in the loudest and most hyper way possible. I actually had to talk to my mom from the top of my lungs just so she could hear me over the din. She was sitting right across the table.

I couldn't help but think - do those kids REALLY need to be that loud? I understand they are kids and they are playing and letting off steam but is it really necessary to stomp through a public place like a herd of elephants? Could their mother not have asked them to not scream or bang QUITE so loud?

Not to mention, on Monday we went to a lake near my mom's house to relax on the grass in the sun and go for a swim. There was a small group of three or four boys, probably around 10 years old, who were gathering balls of seaweed/sludge from the lake-bottom and throwing them at each others heads and yelling and screaming in the process. Trouble was, they were also hitting others including my mom who was trying to have a relaxing swim. She had to speak to them twice. I say "had" to because the boys' parents (wherever they were) certainly didn't see fit to do so.

I realize they were just goofing off, as young boys will do but it's possible to have fun while also respecting the fact that others are around you and want to enjoy themselves too. And not everyone's idea of enjoying themselves is having kids scream in their ear and being hit in the head with lake sludge (call them crazy).

On the one hand I feel like a huge douche saying these things because I do realize that kids are loud and sometimes obnoxious; they don't have the same concept of personal courtesy that adults do (well, SOME adults). And that's ok! They should be allowed to be kids. And parent's should certainly be allowed to have a break to chat with a friend in the sun or just read the paper over a latte. I'm not a mom so I really have no concept of what it's like to control three energetic children but I know enough to assume that it's not an easy task.

However, on the other hand I feel there is a line between letting kids be kids and letting your kids just completely run wild with no control or accountability. The mom/guardian of the kids at the coffee place was sitting about six feet away from these kids, so it's not like she didn't see or hear their antics (considering their volume I'm pretty sure their antics could be heard in Australia).

I can't tell you how many times I've been shopping (and also working retail, back when) or sitting and having a coffee and have watched children pulling down displays and shelves, verbally and physically throwing themselves at other customers (and their parents), and just generally walking around like they own the place. And I can't tell you how many times I've watched parent's sit there and do NOTHING about it. I've even seen some parents laugh at these crazy antics as if it's somehow endearing.

I hate to sound like not only a douche but a cranky old lady, but it just seems like kids these days have the control over their parents rather than the other way around and I don't get it. It frustrates me on one level because, as a member of Generation Y, I feel like I'm constantly hearing from older folks how ungrateful, lazy and entitled we "young people" are and how much better their attitudes and expectations were when they were our age, when it seems to me that it's actually the Generation BEHIND us that is like this.

Sure, there are people in my generation who do live up to this stereotype, but aren't there in every generation? I suppose too that every generation thinks that one that comes behind them are worse in every way. But I can't help but notice that the children I see around are very different than I ever was - they are demanding and their demands are immediately fulfilled by completely compliant parents who placate their bad attitudes with Happy Meals and Lululemon hoodies (depending on their age), or simply practice systemic ignorance at their behaviour.

I'm only 25 years old so it's not as if I was a kid or teenager EONS ago - I do remember what it's like to think the universe revolves around you and to struggle with a growing body and mind. But I just don't remember me or any of my friends being given whatever we wanted hand over fist. If I wanted something I had to earn it, and if I talked back or acted out I was told where to go and punished for it.

Don't kids have any accountability for their actions anymore? I don't know but the scenes that I'm witnessing out there in public nowadays tell me NO.

Kids will be kids, of course, and for every kid who acts up and has an attitude, there is probably one who is respectful. I know this opinion I'm presenting is a bit extreme and does not consider the millions of factors at play in each individual situation. Plus, I'm almost certain that kids have always been like this from the beginning of time so I really shouldn't judge! But I'm just calling 'em how I see 'em. And the way I see 'em means sometimes I just can't help but wonder what is up with kids these days - and moreover, what is up with parents.

Parenting is a tough job; kids don't come with an instruction manual. But I'm guessing there are more resources and support for parents today than ever before. So parents who don't know how to control their kids: how about picking up a book or browsing a website and picking up some tips about telling your kids NO and letting them know who's BOSS. Despite what your kids may think or tell you, that person is not THEM, it's YOU.

Temporary One

Well, dear blogsphere, I have been away from you a long time but I have a good excuse - I've been very busy for the past couple of weeks. Even though I was off work last week, I still managed to cram my time with housekeeping, continued job searching, nights/afternoons out with friends, and good old-fashioned relaxing. It was great not to have to rush and be completely sleep-deprived for the first time in five Tattoo's! Can't believe I didn't take vacation in other years - what was I thinking?! It is still continuing until the end of this week, but I'm at least back to normal life in some ways (as "normal" as life can be, right?).

I've also been busy in the mental sense - my brain has been on overdrive thinking about my next steps. I know, I know, nothing new with me. My career and personal life frustrations continue, as I've discussed before on this blog. You see, I've been searching for work now for over four months and have yet to find anything. It is slim pickin's here in Nova Scotia I'm afraid. Luckily, I'm able to stay on at my current job until the end of the month or so, so I'm not quite desperate, but I'm getting there. I'm getting to the point where I'm going to have to go back to the temp agency and see if I can find work through them while I keep looking, but I REALLY don't want to do that.

I'm TIRED of the temp thing. All the jobs I've worked - three work terms during school 2004-2007 and two full-time's since graduation in 2008 - have been contracts of a year TOPS. When you're a starving student or just trying to get some work (ANY work!) under your belt, contracts aren't so bad. I've had some interesting experiences and considering I'm such a "rolling stone" who thrives on change, this switching has kept things fresh and exciting.

However, it also means you're always the new person, that just when you get to know your coworkers and your job you have to leave so it's tough to build relationships, seniority and confidence, and what you end up with is a little bit of experience in a lot of areas rather than any concrete, measurable expertise. It also gives one the sense of constant floatation - a lack of bearings and a lack of knowledge as to your own strengths and accomplishments. This is very frustrating. Now that I have two years of job-searching under my belt, I realize that many companies and organizations are looking for three-five years experience in a particular area rather than four-12 mths experience in four different areas. Not to mention that as a contract employee you're often not eligible for benefits such as healthcare, vacation, bonuses, overtime pay and any other long-term affiliations that other permanent employees enjoy. It's much easier to drag a young, eager contractee through the dirt, as sad as that is to say.

I'm not saying I want to settle into a job and work there the next 20 years of my life, then retire quietly. All I want is to stay in a job MORE THAN ONE YEAR! I want to build up my skills in a particular area, build sustained relationships, and work on climbing the ladder in one place, rather than jumping between rocks trying my best not to fall into the stream, if you will. I want to be able to plan for the future and not have to live paycheck to paycheck forever. I'm only 25 but I'll be 26 in December and I'm not getting any younger. I'd like to do things like buy a house and, oh I dunno, be WORTH something someday (monetarily speaking).

Anyway, the whole point of what I'm saying is not even really about my job worries; it's about what I want for my life in general. My point is that I've come back to a plan I had previously contemplated and later put aside - that of moving to another city. I wrote on this blog back in March about my decision to move to Vancouver (for many reasons), but soon after decided that it wasn't the right time. For one, planning the shower and stagette for my best friend took up most of my time and money for the entire month of May, then before I knew it the gal I was filling in for at work returned from her mat leave and I was faced with finding a job ASAP to ensure I could continue paying those pesky things called bills.

However, I realize now that I also let the opinions of others, and my own fear, bring me down and discourage me from taking that step. Certain people in my life (who will remain nameless), though they were supportive of me making a change, planted worries and guilt in my head that ultimately ate away at my resolve. I've always been someone who cares deeply about gaining the approval of others. I hate that about myself, and I hate that I let this deter me from a potential adventure and positive change.

Of course, there is no question that it's a major decision and one that should not be taken lightly; all details need to be considered, positive and negative. Maybe I won't be happy! Maybe I'll hate it there! But the bottom line is, that's my decision to make. And even if it turns out badly, I'll at least have the satisfaction that I tried; pride in myself for taking that leap. I have an itch that needs scratching; an itch to see other places and spread my wings; an itch that has only gotten stronger in the four-or-so months since I resigned myself to move the first time. Imagine how itchy that need will be in another four months if I don't hurry up and scratch it??

I know a lot of this is really repetitive, as I've talked a lot before about my frustrations re. career and my personal life, my place. But I can't help that it's a huge weight on my mind at this stage of my life. It's one of those things that I thought was maybe just a phase and that might fade as time goes on and I "come to my senses". But I now realize that the reason it's been a weight on me is because I've failed to do anything concrete about it. I've been waiting for answers to come and for other people to tell me what I should do when I'm the one that needs to decide for myself. The time has come to be brave, to follow my gut, get out of my own way, and take that leap of faith; to stop talking and thinking about doing it, and just DO IT.

Anyway, I realize I'm rambling. And who knows if I'll actually make a decision and stick with it considering my track record, but I'm going to do my best not to let fear and doubt get me down. I intend to live up to the title of this blog and keep on rollin' somewhere very soon; or at least that's my hope. Anyone who gets in my way (including me) had better watch out or they'll get flattened! Rolling stone coming through, people (and I don't mean this kind)!

*updates to come (I hope positive ones)*

Killing Me Softly

One of the major news stories in Canada today is that of Muhammad Parvez and Waqas Parvez pleading guilty to second-degree murder, and being sentenced to 25 years in prison. 16 year old Aqsa Parvez was Muhammad's daughter and Waqas' sister.

On December 10th, 2007 in Mississauga, Ontario Aqsa's father and brother murdered her in a so-called "honour killing" - a punishment for the "shame" that Aqsa brought upon her family by resisting their strict Muslim religious rules. One of the main "shameful offenses" that Aqsa committed was insisting on wearing Western clothing, rather than the traditional hijab head covering.

When Aqsa's mother asked her husband why he did it, he answered: "My community will say you have not been able to control your daughter. This is my insult. She is making me naked.” Possibly even more surprising than this, Islamic leaders that spoke to the media after the tragedy almost implied that Aqsa invited her fate, discussing that Muslim's who stray from their path must "pay for it", and stating that "parents fail and bring shame upon themselves if a child chooses to abandon holy writings and not wear the hijab". Young Muslim men even lashed out through the Internet, calling Aqsa a "slut" on Facebook, and implying in emails that she was pushing drugs or pregnant.

This story on its own is heartbreaking enough*, but the really sad thing is that this is just one of many of these types of crimes that have occurred in Canada in recent years. All it takes to get a sense of the prevalence of these crimes is a google search for "honour killings in Canada", which turns out about 46,900 results. Brother gets life for gunning down his 20-year-old sister and her fiance in Ottawa, a 14-year-old rape victim is strangled to death by her brother and father, three teenage sisters and their aunt are found in their car submerged in the Rideau Canal in Montreal, a mother stabs her 19-year-old daughter in the head and face, and the list goes on and on.

These stories are so tragic, not only because of the loss of young and as yet unfulfilled lives, but because these killings are justified by such ridiculous reasons. Now, I'm a very open-minded person and I'm very accepting of other cultures and religions, so this is by no means a diatribe against Islam or religious traditions in general, nor a rant about the superiority of Western society. We certainly don't do everything right, and I think there is a lot that (mostly) secular Westerners can learn from the traditions and beliefs of other countries and people.

However, one thing that I feel we Westerners do better is cultivate societies based upon free-will, free-speech and freedom of choice. To kill a member of one's own family because they wish to choose their clothing, boyfriends, and hobbies is simply barbaric and isn't tolerated, at least according to our laws.

One of the great things about Canada as a multi-cultural nation is that there aren't a lot of rules and regulations governing our civil liberties - for the most part, we can go where we please, when we please, wear what we please, say what we please, and spend time with whomever we please (within reason of course). Even if you are expected to follow certain societal rules when you come here to live, you are still free to continue practicing your religion and other cultural traditions, as long as it doesn't harm or disrupt anyone else's life in a negative way.

However, it's a completely different animal when your cultural and religious traditions DO bring harm and suffering to those around you. In Canada, women are not possessions of men. We are not expected to obey our fathers, brothers and uncles, nor are we punished for making choices that the men in our lives don't agree with (again, there are always exceptions to the rule, but this is a generalization).

And what is so wrong with the children of these families wanting to dress like their friends, and participate in the activities that their friends do? What is so wrong about wanting to wear jeans and t-shirts, have free-flowing hair, go to movies and dances, and have boyfriends? Is that not what their parents wanted for them when they came here anyway? Did they not come with the hope that their children could have healthy, free lives and access to the opportunities that they never had? It shouldn't be a crime to love life and live it to the fullest.

As Ausma Khan, editor-in-chief of Muslim Girl magazine says: "So many girls are trying to live a faith-based life within a larger secular society. They are trying to fit in with friends and stay true to Islamic values. It can be a struggle." No wonder they rebel - teenagers who have much less pressure on them have lashed out in much more destructive ways.

Luckily there are many in the Muslim world who condemn honour killings and similarly strict behaviour. Tarek Fatah, the founder of the Muslim Canadian Congress, has been a very vocal critic of the restrictive aspects of Islam. He was quoted in a Globe and Mail article (from which the quote from Ausma Khan above also comes) addressing these cultural issues, stating: "I put the blame straight at the feet of people who have made young Muslim girls feel that they are sinners if they don't cover their heads. How many more Muslim girls have to die before the liberal intelligentsia wakes up and the feminists wake up and say the hijab is a symbol of oppression?"

Unfortunately, it seems the answer to his last question is "many more", at least as long as acts like this continue to be excused and swept under the rug. We all have the obligation to speak out about this issue - Muslim or not.

This is religiously-sanctioned domestic abuse, and nothing else.

*I normally really try to not get too political with my posts, but I just couldn't ignore this; it really got my back up

Tainted Love

I just had to write a post about this, as I have so many thoughts and opinions about it I can barely contain them. The reason for my mental overload is the following email that I received from the dating site OKCupid this morning that stated the following:

"We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you'd like to know.
How can we say this with confidence? We've tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver. Your new elite status comes with one important privilege: You will now see more attractive people in your match results.This new status won't affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match's answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results. Suddenly, the world is your oyster. Login now and reap the rewards. And, no, we didn't just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see."

I had read in the newspaper recently about OkCupid's new "rating system", but I never imagined I'd get such a message. At first I was surprised and a little bit flattered that I was considered to be part of the "good looking" tier on a dating website - nice boost to the self-esteem. However, this pride was tempered with discomfort once I considered the rather alarming fact that this website "ranks" people based on their inate attractiveness, and in a way gives them an advantage (or not) in finding a mate. In my opinion, there is something very wrong about that, and by the time I got to the end of the email and read "go ask an ugly friend and see", my pride of inclusion had dwindled down into a feeling of shame and disgust.

For one, what place does a dating site have to rank users and base their experience on how attractive they are? Isn't a dating site supposed to be democratic, open to anyone who wants to upload their information and/or pay the money (if it is a paying site, which OKCupid is NOT) and who has the desire to find a date? Maybe I'm being idealistic here, but essentially isn't it supposed to act as an open forum for people to pursue whomever they choose for whatever purpose they prefer (within reason of course)? There is nothing democratic and open about giving "better looking" people "better" matches and grouping users in different wings as if they are 1st, 2nd and 3rd class passengers on the Titanic. As you can read above, they even describe me as now having "elite status", which is an automatic class distinction right there.

Second of all, who died and made OkCupid the Master of Determing Attractiveness? Attractiveness is a completely subjective thing - one person may think I'm incredibly ugly, while another may think I'm incredibly hot. They say they figure out who fits in this "elite" group by tracking "click-thrus on your photo" and analyzing "other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver", but is this really a good measure of how attractive I am to these other people? I suppose the 2nd one could sort of be analyzed in this way, but I don't see how "click-thrus" on my photo proves that someone finds me attractive. Someone could click thru to my photos and go "blech, no thanks" and move on. How do they know?

Plus, they say that my matches will now be "more attractive" and I'll be shown "more attractive people in match results". But again, who determines that these people are more attractive than other non-elite members? How do they know that I will find these matches more attractive? The fact is, they don't, and I'm willing to bet my matches from now on will look pretty much the same, meaning I'm pretty sure I'll find the same number of them attractive as I would have before my "upgrade".

Besides the subjectivity of attractiveness, I think we can all agree (however corny it sounds) that looks are NOT everything. Sometimes the people that are not considered conventionally "attractive" are the most interesting, smart, accomplished people around and, frankly, some of the more attractive people are vacuous, immature and self-absorbed (I say sometimes, mind, I'm not trying to pigeon-hole anyone).

And don't get me wrong, you of course have to be physically attracted to someone in order to have a relationship with them, but I feel this is something that can develop over time, and it isn't the MOST important thing. I wouldn't even consider myself conventionally "attractive" - sometimes I would just love to be taller, or 40 lbs thinner or not have such chubby cheeks or such a wierd nose - but I also want to be seen as more than my looks, and would like a partner who is more than looks as well.

Online dating is already hard enough between people rejecting you before they even know you, the sites serving as a breeding ground (no pun intended) for people cruising for one-night stands or for anti-social/agoraphobic wierdos, and the ease with which potential dates can "embellish" their profiles and/or avoid commitment to any one person. But now the sites themselves are sitting up on high horses and proclaiming who deserves to have a good mate and who doesn't? And for no real reason other than because they can? Way to make things even harder and more complicated for us weary daters, OkCupid (and I didn't even think that was possible to achieve. Congrats and cue eye roll).

I'm not going to lie to you, I got a twinge of hope when I read that I would now start to be shown "more attractive matches" (let's be honest here, even though looks aren't the most important thing, it's usually the first thing that attracts you to a person, and when you're online you really only have looks to go on to start). But soon all these questions and concerns started to pop up in my mind and this point became moot. I suppose I respect the fact the OkCupid is trying to be innovative, and is looking ways to improve matches for its users (and really when a site is free, you can't necessarily demand the same level of service and decorum that a pay-site like eHarmony does), but I just don't think it's their place to determine who is a match for me and who isn't (um, hello, I'm a big girl and can make my own decisions, thanks).

I think what digusts me most of all about this message, is the statement that "suddenly, the world is your oyster" - implying that finding an "attractive match" and being considered an "attractive match" yourself gives your life meaning and possibility - totally out of nowhere you are someone and you mean something! On the other hand it implies that your "ugly friends" are not entitled to have such meaning and possibility in their lives - they are 3rd class people, and as such only deserve 3rd class treatment and experiences. No one's worth should be based on their physical attractiveness. This root of bigotry in our society is one on which crises such as eating disorders, reality television, suicide, and mental health issues grow.

I've tried every popular dating website out there - Plenty of Fish, LavaLife, eHarmony, OkCupid (of course) - and I've found good and bad experiences with all of them. Overall, I haven't had a terrible experience and have met some nice guys (or "attractive matches" I guess you could call them). But I've also never met anyone who stuck. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing (the be-all, end-all of my life is certainly NOT finding a mate; I have a great life on my own), however it does get very old and demeaning after a while and I'm at the point where I wonder why I'm still doing it.

Segregating people based on criteria over which (for the most part) they have no control, and which really has no bearing in whether they will find a match in any case is appalling. This only serves to perpetuate and nurture qualities of arrogance and insecurity, depending on the person in question. How about perpetuating and nurturing an environment of non-judgment, acceptance, and individual preference? Dating is hard - how about you make it EASIER for us, OkCupid, not harder? That is, after all, your job. You seem to have forgotten that so consider this a friendly reminder to keep in mind next time you want to "improve" our experience.