Sweet City Woman

Well I've been quite the slacker on the blog the past few days! And it's safe to say that this NaBloPoMo thing can officially be thrown out the window! Ah well, I tried. The fact is, I just find it too tiring to blog every single day. I just have other priorities, and I don't have any inspiration some days so it makes more sense to blog because I want to and have something valuable to say, rather than just for the sake of blogging.

I was planning on continuing with my Fashion Friday posts, but my inner timer got all messed up since Thursday was a day off, but yet I had to work Friday. I also didn't wear any outfits that felt "photographable" to me, and honestly I find taking photos without a tripod a lot more time-consuming and annoying. So I just couldn't be bothered. I'm still going to do this series, but I may wait until I get a tripod (*fingers crossed for Xmas! I put a word in with the powers-that-be, aka my mom). In any case, I should probably come up with some kind of photo-taking schedule because I'm one of those people that, if I don't schedule things (ya know, pencil them in), I will avoid them or forget. I dunno, we'll see!

Life gets in the way sometimes I guess, doesn't it? Wily Bastard.

Anyhoo, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (which isn't really abnormal for me) about many things, one of them being how much I love my neighbourhood. Mainly what I love is how central it is - since I've started working this temp job, I've been walking to work every morning and it's been great to get the extra exercise, fresh air, and invigorating start to the day. And it only takes about 25 minutes.

Not too shabby. I also work within a 10 minute walk to anything I could possibly need or want - banks, stores, coffee shops, etc. Needless to say I'm loving the convenience and the rush of being around so many sights and sounds.

In fact, I've always been this way - I've always had the need to have hustle and bustle around me (not too much mind you, but at least some). I've never really been content with quiet and slow. This notion is actually tied to one of my life mottos, for which my blog is named (which shows how tied up in my personality this need for motion and stimulation is).

The last guy I dated  (before we moved in together) lived with his parents in a rural area about 30 minutes outside the suburban city where I lived at the time (just across the harbour from where I live now). 30 minutes out doesn't seem like that far, but it sure as hell seemed like it when I drove out there and back; we're talking two lane highway, no lamps, no guardrails or fence in some places, and a speed limit of 100 km/hr in some spots. I used to completely dread driving out there then having to drive home in the dark - and I mean DARK ('blacker than the inside of a cow', as my mom would say). Not only that but there was also the constant chance of a deer or something larger bounding across the highway at any moment, hitting a patch of black ice, or some jackass hick speeding around you and knocking you off the road like a pinball.

I HATED driving home from out there in the dark and did it white-knuckled and tense-shouldered the entire way. Every. Single. Time. All I kept thinking to myself (aside from the worries of impending sudden death) was "I would never in a million years want to live that way the bleep out here!!" (except I didn't actually say "bleep").

I'm a city-girl and that's just the way it is. I can certainly see the advantages to living outside the city - more space, more green, quiet, safer, better schools, cheaper real estate, yadda yadda yadda. I can certainly understand why people move to such areas. I can certainly understand the value of quiet and clean air and just...space, sometimes. Everyone needs that once in a while. But there's a difference between doing it once in a while to recharge, and doing it every day and it's just not something I could handle every day. I can't even sit at home without the tv or music on (too quiet - gah!!).

I love the rhythm that living in the city brings. I love having so many options for things to do, places to go and events to attend. I love being able to call out for food whenever I don't feel like cooking and have it show up at my door within 30 minutes. I love being able to sit on a bench or in a coffee shop and watch the myriad of human beings pass by in all their quirky glory. I love stepping outside my door and seeing countless families, couples, dogs, cats, strollers and kids marching by, in a rush to get somewhere or just enjoying gawking like me.

Sure, the city can be dirty, crowded, inefficient, and unfriendly sometimes, but the pros far outweigh the cons for me. I love feeling like a part of a living, breathing, moving, changing organism like a city - like I'm one small cog in this giant machine that just keeps running no matter what and that maybe, in some small way, I help keep it running. I sort of look at the city in that way - as a great, big living thing that's always changing colour and sound like a quickly rotating record player, much like This one.

I love to take excursions to quieter, smaller places to recharge my batteries once in a while, but usually after a couple of nights I'm itching to get back to the place I truly belong. The place that never sleeps, and will never put me to sleep.

So are you a city person or a country person? Or a combo of both? What attracts you the most to your chosen place to live?

Temporary One

Well, dear blogsphere, I have been away from you a long time but I have a good excuse - I've been very busy for the past couple of weeks. Even though I was off work last week, I still managed to cram my time with housekeeping, continued job searching, nights/afternoons out with friends, and good old-fashioned relaxing. It was great not to have to rush and be completely sleep-deprived for the first time in five Tattoo's! Can't believe I didn't take vacation in other years - what was I thinking?! It is still continuing until the end of this week, but I'm at least back to normal life in some ways (as "normal" as life can be, right?).

I've also been busy in the mental sense - my brain has been on overdrive thinking about my next steps. I know, I know, nothing new with me. My career and personal life frustrations continue, as I've discussed before on this blog. You see, I've been searching for work now for over four months and have yet to find anything. It is slim pickin's here in Nova Scotia I'm afraid. Luckily, I'm able to stay on at my current job until the end of the month or so, so I'm not quite desperate, but I'm getting there. I'm getting to the point where I'm going to have to go back to the temp agency and see if I can find work through them while I keep looking, but I REALLY don't want to do that.

I'm TIRED of the temp thing. All the jobs I've worked - three work terms during school 2004-2007 and two full-time's since graduation in 2008 - have been contracts of a year TOPS. When you're a starving student or just trying to get some work (ANY work!) under your belt, contracts aren't so bad. I've had some interesting experiences and considering I'm such a "rolling stone" who thrives on change, this switching has kept things fresh and exciting.

However, it also means you're always the new person, that just when you get to know your coworkers and your job you have to leave so it's tough to build relationships, seniority and confidence, and what you end up with is a little bit of experience in a lot of areas rather than any concrete, measurable expertise. It also gives one the sense of constant floatation - a lack of bearings and a lack of knowledge as to your own strengths and accomplishments. This is very frustrating. Now that I have two years of job-searching under my belt, I realize that many companies and organizations are looking for three-five years experience in a particular area rather than four-12 mths experience in four different areas. Not to mention that as a contract employee you're often not eligible for benefits such as healthcare, vacation, bonuses, overtime pay and any other long-term affiliations that other permanent employees enjoy. It's much easier to drag a young, eager contractee through the dirt, as sad as that is to say.

I'm not saying I want to settle into a job and work there the next 20 years of my life, then retire quietly. All I want is to stay in a job MORE THAN ONE YEAR! I want to build up my skills in a particular area, build sustained relationships, and work on climbing the ladder in one place, rather than jumping between rocks trying my best not to fall into the stream, if you will. I want to be able to plan for the future and not have to live paycheck to paycheck forever. I'm only 25 but I'll be 26 in December and I'm not getting any younger. I'd like to do things like buy a house and, oh I dunno, be WORTH something someday (monetarily speaking).

Anyway, the whole point of what I'm saying is not even really about my job worries; it's about what I want for my life in general. My point is that I've come back to a plan I had previously contemplated and later put aside - that of moving to another city. I wrote on this blog back in March about my decision to move to Vancouver (for many reasons), but soon after decided that it wasn't the right time. For one, planning the shower and stagette for my best friend took up most of my time and money for the entire month of May, then before I knew it the gal I was filling in for at work returned from her mat leave and I was faced with finding a job ASAP to ensure I could continue paying those pesky things called bills.

However, I realize now that I also let the opinions of others, and my own fear, bring me down and discourage me from taking that step. Certain people in my life (who will remain nameless), though they were supportive of me making a change, planted worries and guilt in my head that ultimately ate away at my resolve. I've always been someone who cares deeply about gaining the approval of others. I hate that about myself, and I hate that I let this deter me from a potential adventure and positive change.

Of course, there is no question that it's a major decision and one that should not be taken lightly; all details need to be considered, positive and negative. Maybe I won't be happy! Maybe I'll hate it there! But the bottom line is, that's my decision to make. And even if it turns out badly, I'll at least have the satisfaction that I tried; pride in myself for taking that leap. I have an itch that needs scratching; an itch to see other places and spread my wings; an itch that has only gotten stronger in the four-or-so months since I resigned myself to move the first time. Imagine how itchy that need will be in another four months if I don't hurry up and scratch it??

I know a lot of this is really repetitive, as I've talked a lot before about my frustrations re. career and my personal life, my place. But I can't help that it's a huge weight on my mind at this stage of my life. It's one of those things that I thought was maybe just a phase and that might fade as time goes on and I "come to my senses". But I now realize that the reason it's been a weight on me is because I've failed to do anything concrete about it. I've been waiting for answers to come and for other people to tell me what I should do when I'm the one that needs to decide for myself. The time has come to be brave, to follow my gut, get out of my own way, and take that leap of faith; to stop talking and thinking about doing it, and just DO IT.

Anyway, I realize I'm rambling. And who knows if I'll actually make a decision and stick with it considering my track record, but I'm going to do my best not to let fear and doubt get me down. I intend to live up to the title of this blog and keep on rollin' somewhere very soon; or at least that's my hope. Anyone who gets in my way (including me) had better watch out or they'll get flattened! Rolling stone coming through, people (and I don't mean this kind)!

*updates to come (I hope positive ones)*

Where the Streets Have No Name

At pretty much any given moment, I want to travel somewhere. All I have to do is read an article or hear a story about someone's experience in a far-off locale, and that restless envy creeps up my spine. I long to take off and experience it for myself.

I would go pretty much anywhere at any time, but there's only one problem - having the money and time to do this. For most people it's just not practical to take off on a plane somewhere without having time to plan and money to pay for it. This is a rather crushing yet constant notion that plagues me, and I'm sure many other travel-lovers, like a hand on your shoulder pushing back your momentum and preventing you from moving no matter how hard you pump your legs.

However, this post entitled "5 ways to travel more with less" provides some great tips about changing your perspective on travel and what it means, and also ways to make it more realistic financially. I like that the author, Annabel Candy (whose blog can be found here), stresses that travel doesn't have to include some faraway, exotic beach; one can travel to places very close to home and get the same feeling of adventure and mobility.

In fact, I think most people don't explore the places they live often enough, if at all. I've had conversations about this with my mom, about how we never visit museums and tourist attractions in our own city even though they are right on our doorstep. I have lived in this province for over 20 years and there are whole huge sections of it I have never been to. Just last summer, my mom, sister and I traveled to Pictou, Bridgewater and Lahave within the span of one long weekend and all of these places were new to me. Who knew there was a cute (and affordable) little ferry to carry you across the harbour to Lahave?! I didn't, and I was shocked by that; frankly kind of ashamed.

I know when I move to Vancouver, I plan on doing as much exploring in that city as possible - I want to see every nook and cranny that I can. Sure, I'd love to go to Thailand or California, but I'm sure I will find as many surprises and charms sticking closer to home, and lord knows I'd spend a heck of a lot less money.

There are many places within Nova Scotia, and the other Atlantic provinces, that I have always wanted to see and have yet to. And now that I'm planning on moving away I almost have a stronger drive to see them now because who knows when I'll be back again. I'll have to try my best to play tourist this summer I guess. (It always goes to show that you never appreciate things until you lose them, or are faced with losing them. Such is life).

I also love Annabel's tips regarding slowing down when you visit a place. I totally agree with her that a trip can often become a hyper-scheduled list of "to do's" and becomes more about crossing as many items off as possible rather than absorbing the essence and character of a place. In most cases you won't find this essence through visiting big, expensive, crowded tourist attractions (and in my opinion many of these have, unfortunately, become tacky tourist "traps", which can make them more nauseating than awesome). Where you will find it is off the beaten path, in the quieter nooks and crannies where the locals hang out. You often find the most charming and unexpected surprises if you just walk around a place, with no particular agenda or timeline. I mean, isn't the whole point of travel experiencing the novel, unexpected and thrilling?

Now, I like to see big-time tourist attractions as much as the next person - it would seem criminal to go all the way to Paris, for example, only to skip the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre and the Sacre Couer. I also am possessive of a personality that thrives on structure - scheduling, planning, knowing where I'm going and when. However, there is something freeing about throwing at least a bit of that out the window, tempering one or two big attractions with a few quieter sites, and not having a heart attack if you find the hours of the day dwindling and your "list" not being checked off in order (or at all). Let's be honest here: most of the time things don't go according to how you plan them anyway so why get so hung up on that?

I still have a constant drive to travel and still have a huge list of far-off, exotic locales that I want to visit and that's not going to change. And I still plan to visit these places when I have the time and money, even if that's not anytime soon. This post just reminded me to not be discouraged by a lack of funds and free time and to keep some perspective in terms of traveling.
When you think about it, we're all traveling all the time in one way or another, even if sometimes it's only in our heads.

Racey Days

Ah life is a funny thing. Actually my brain is a funny thing - it works in very funny and mysterious ways sometimes, ways that I don't even understand.

For one, it changes its mind quite often and on a whim. Take going overseas - at first I was going to do an internship in China, then I was not doing that program but still going overseas. Well, as it turns out, now I'm not going to be going overseas at all!

I'm certainly still attracted to the adventure and amazing experience that TEFL can provide, but I started to realize that it was going to be too big of a life upset for me at this stage. I just don't have the money or the wherewithal to deal with it right now. I realized also that I honestly don't want to teach! I had this nagging notion in the back of head from the beginning but just thought I would get over it with time and coursework. However, the notion only grew.

I realized the thing I was most attracted to about teaching overseas was the traveling, and I figured I can always do that in other ways at other times. The other main reason I had for wanting to do this was to find a change of scene. This is something that I feel I need SO bad right now it turns my mind inside out and drives me nuts! I realized I can also get this in other ways at other times, maybe in more practical ways but still almost as adventurous. I realized I can go somewhere closer to home, but still far enough away to make the change of scene big enough to scratch my itch.

So, without further ado I've decided to move across my very own country to, literally, the other end - i.e. to Vancouver*! I have a brother and sister-in-law there, so there is also the added comfort of family and support. In addition, the head office of the company I currently work for is there, so going there opens more employment possibilities for me. It's also just a large, beautiful city that offers the things I love about my hometown but on a larger, more varied and cosmopolitan scale. There's just so much to DO - I'm looking forward to traveling around BC, including Victoria and Van tourist attractions, road-tripping it to visit friends in Alberta, training-it down to Seattle, etc. I'm contemplating taking a writing course, signing up for yoga classes, taking hikes and joining dating sites (well, maybe; we'll see how desperately lonely I get after a few months), and just generally taking full advantage of the myriad amenities the city has to offer!

Sure, this isn't the grand adventure I envisioned when I first started on this quest to make a change, but it's still an adventure and one I'm really excited about. I'm no longer going to complete the TEFL online course for several reasons, but I am going to keep my profile on Chalkboard just in the off-chance that I change my mind again sometime down the road (as I'm wont to do fairly regularly) and decide to partake of an i-to-i program after all. When the time is right. I'm confident that I'm making the best decision for me at this stage in my life and that it will work out nicely. I may change my mind a lot, but one thing's for sure, I'm always looking forward to the future!

*It is quite possible that this decision was pushed along by the immense wave of national pride and group huggyness that permeated this nation after the conclusion of the Olympics yesterday, but I can't say for sure. I wanted to move out there long before these games, plus I'm a very practical person, so I know it's not THE reason, but I think I'd be lying if I said it didn't inform my feelings about going and make them more warm and fuzzy!*

I've Got You Under My Skin

Emotional attachment is a funny thing. There's really no rhyme or reason to it sometimes. We become emotionally attached to some of the silliest things, sometimes to things that we don't even particularly LIKE, but at the same time can't seem to part with. Yet, on the other hand, you could have something for years and years and have no attachment to it whatsoever.

Generally I'm someone who does form emotional attachments to "stuff", so I can speak with conviction on this subject. Or at least I always have been that type of person.

However, I've caught a glimpse of another side of me - a not-so-emotionally-attached side - lately. Since I've decided to move overseas in the fall I will have to get rid of, well, pretty much all my belongings. I mean I don't HAVE to get rid of everything; I could, of course, just move it all into storage to await my return, but I just feel at this stage that that is silly (not to mention expensive).

I'm actually kind of excited, about ridding myself of my belongings* I'm not sure why this is and it surprises me because it's so against my nature, though I suspect it has to do with my general mindset about life right now, which is derived from the spirit of my going overseas. It's about change, stepping outside my comfort zone, being free from unnecessary burdens (of the physical and emotional kind) and making a kind of "new start". I sort of look at this experience as a "shedding of skin" - I'm hoping to either reveal another person beneath that skin, or try on a new one after shedding the old.

So, given this mindset, I wish to get rid of as much as possible before I leave. Not because I don't like my stuff and want all new things, but because I don't want to feel "tethered" by a storage unit full of it. Moreover, I don't want to fork over $100 a month to keep an apartment's full of things, when I have no idea when or where I'm going to be in another permanent apartment again. Even if I come back to Canada after being away one year, my guess is I will end up in Vancouver or somewhere in the vicinity, in which case I'd have to pay to move it across the country and I don't even want to THINK about how much that would cost. I'm sure it would mean less money and stress in the long run to just buy all new stuff.

Plus, I think we sometimes overestimate the emotional attachment we have to our "things". If given an ultimatum, most of us could live happily with very little. Sometimes you really need to think about what an item means to you and what connections you feel to it and why before you decide to get rid of it or not. You have to be careful that your devotion is not misplaced.

There is a great quote in today's Worn blog about this (this quote is referring to clothing, but it could be generalized to include all belongings and so I've modified it slightly here): "Part of the notion of revaluing involves 'excavating an emotional connection to (stuff),' finding that personal link between yourself and the (stuff), whether through a family heirloom or something tied to a significant memory, whatever it is that makes you want to keep and cherish (the stuff)."

My mom and I were discussing my purging last night and she made me feel guilty (that is part of her duty as "mom" after all). 90% of my furniture are hand-me-downs from her, as she was quick to remind me, and she isn't entirely happy with me getting rid of them. This gave me a bit of pause and I did feel bad for a moment about getting rid of everything. And I'm sure when the time comes for my things to go; when they are actually making their way out the door and I'm left standing in an empty apartment (except for a few suitcases and rubbermaid containers) I will feel even more bad. I'm sure in a way I will feel lost, possibly like a medium-sized hole has appeared in my life. But I'm also sure that this won't last. I'm confident that the biggest thing I'll be feeling is freedom.

Don't misunderstand - I'm not advocating for anyone to purge all their stuff and not keep anything; quite the opposite. I'm a huge advocate for keeping things that have special meaning to you and that have special memories. I'm a big clutterbug by nature and love having rooms of things of my own to come home to. I look forward to the day when I put roots down again somewhere else and can begin accumulating things again. It will be comforting.

I'm just not in a "stuff" place right now, that's all. And regardless of life stage, couches and utensils and microwaves and dishes are always replaceable. Memories, adventures, photos, keepsakes and heirlooms are not, therefore those are the things you should keep and attach emotion to. Think about it - if a fire broke out in your home, what would you grab? I'm guessing your toaster would be the last thing on your mind.

*I'm referring, of course, to things like my furniture and appliances, mind, i.e. things that can be easily replaced. Keepsakes, such as artwork, souveniers, decorative thingys, etc, cannot be easily replaced and therefore will not be gotten rid of. At the same time though, I plan on keeping as little as I can so some ruthlessness will still be required on my part as I'm sure there will be things I will want in my heart to keep, but which would be (in practical terms) silly to hang onto.