Back to Life, Back to Reality

Well, I'm back from vacation! Well, I was actually back yesterday but considering yesterday was a holiday in Canada and we had been driving since the previous morning, I was pretty zonked yesterday and not up for doing much of anything productive. Today is the 1st official day back to "real-life"...

I had a lovely vacation though! It was just so nice to get away, have a change of scenery and make our own schedule for a few days. This trip was an interesting one in many ways* - of course, the sights, sounds, tastes and smells of the places we visited were all interesting - but it was also a milestone of sorts because it was the first extended trip that the boy and I took together.

I always say that if you really want to get to know someone and learn whether or not you are truly compatible with each other, you should take a trip with them. When traveling, you can see sides of a person that you might never see interacting with them on a day-to-day basis. You could know someone for decades, talk to them on the phone or see them every single day, and exchange many deep, dark secrets and still be surprised at how they act and how you get along when you travel together.

Generally when you travel, the full gambit of emotions tends to come out at one time or another. Travel is tiring and it dehydrates you, plus you are eating, getting up, going to sleep and doing other things at different times (and sometimes in different ways or in a different order) than you normally would, meeting new people, being thrust into completely new situations and generally experiencing unfamiliarity wherever you turn.

This, of course, is one of the great things about travel (and one of my favourite things about it) but it can also wreak havoc on your disposition. Regardless of where you are going and when, the actual "traveling" part of the travel is not the most enjoyable - it's normally very tiring and tedious (being squeezed into a tiny airplane seat or standing in endless line-ups when flying? Sitting in traffic and staring down seemingly endless stretches of highway, dealing with reckless morons and countless detours when driving? Anyone?). I personally hate the actual "traveling" part, and just can't wait to GET to where I'm going. It depends of course, but generally I wish I could just teleport myself to wherever I want to go and skip all the bull.

Given the fact the traveling can often be tiring and tedious, it often means that either you, your traveling companion or both end up cranky, irritable, moody, stressed and frustrated at some point or another and this means that one or both of you gets to see the other in a light that is not necessarily the most flattering.

Aside from the conditions of traveling, different people have different traveling "styles", meaning that they like to structure their trip in different ways. Some people prefer to be uber-organized and have every hour of every day planned ahead of time, and like to cram in as many sights as possible during their time in that place. Some people prefer to be laid-back and not plan anything, just go out and wander and see where the day takes them. Some people like to visit every museum and read every plaque, while some people are content with a quick look at one or two things, or prefer to skip the tourist attractions altogether in favour of exploring back alleys.

I would say I am somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. I DO like to make the most of my time somewhere, so I try to figure out what main things I want to see before I go and at least come up with a basic plan for what to do and when. I also like to try and get up as early as I can so that half the day is not wasted. However, I DO NOT like to schedule my day so tightly that I have no wiggle room and I am exhausted after only a few hours. I like to keep my schedule flexible and I always like to take time to just wander and explore and visit some lesser known sights.

Given my middle-of-the-road traveling style, chances are I would go nuts traveling with someone whose style is closer to either extreme end (hyper-organized or super-laid-back) or has completely different interests. For example, my mom and I travel great together because we tend to want to visit the same sort of attractions (we both love anything arts-related, interesting museums, historical places, shopping/markets, etc) and we have a similar attitude to travel. On the other end of things, when I visited Amsterdam a few years ago with a group of girls from a University in the US (we were all living in London at the time taking a course at Regent's College), one of the gals and I ended up breaking off on the second day because all the other 3 wanted to do was sit in "koffee houses" (for those of you that are not familiar with Amsterdam's well-known attractions, it should be noted that these places do not actually serve coffee) all day long. BOR-ING. And lets be honest, if I really wanted to smoke weed all day long I could do that at home.

Luckily, I have discovered that the boy and I have similar travel styles as well because we traveled quite well together this vacation. I would definitely say I am more of a "planner" than he is, but generally we wanted to visit the same things and were open to suggestion from the other person.**

Which brings me to another point about traveling companions - you also need to remember that it is your COMPANION's trip too. You should try and compromise and do your best to ensure that you BOTH get the most of the trip. Don't throw a tantrum because you do not get to do exactly what you want when you want. Guess what, kid?! That's life. I'm not saying you should compromise all the time as you are guaranteed to not have any fun and I do not think you should miss things you really want to take in just because your companion doesn't want to, but you should be flexible, considerate and open-minded. If you can't manage to do that, you should probably travel alone. Or if you and your companion really cannot agree on a compromise, than go your separate ways for a few hours! Hello, you are not attached at the hip! And trust me, you will regret it forever if you come home having followed someone else around the entire week when you really didn't want to.

Anyway, my point is you may not be a good traveling companion for everyone in your life, even for people that you see on a daily basis and love very much, and not everyone in your life will necessarily be a good traveling companion for you. And that's ok! But if you can find someone that you can travel with, it is certainly a nice thing and I think it's a tougher thing to find than a lot of people realize. I am happy that the boy and I made it through this trip without murdering each other (as you can see, I am clearly still here and I can assure you he is, too - you will just have to trust me on this one, unfortunately). I see many more trips in our future and that makes me really happy. Traveling is something I really enjoy and will always really enjoy, and it is so nice to have someone in my life that shares my passion. We are already planning our NEXT road trip!

Who do you like to travel with and why? What is YOUR traveling style?

*this trip was also awesome because it means I get to cross another item off my 30 B4 30 list!! (see left sidebar) That would be #20: Take a Road Trip - DONE! Bazinga!
**of course, it helps that my boy is very laid-back and easy to please - I have to admit I would not necessarily say I am "laid-back" (I tend to be high-strung and a "worrier") but he is helping me do this more and I am becoming more so over time when it comes to travel

Your Cheatin' Heart

I have been thinking a lot about cheating the last couple of days.

...ok, allow me to rephrase: I have been thinking a lot about why people cheat and what is considered cheating (not actually committing the ACT of cheating).

I watched a show last night where someone cheated on their gf a few months before, then tried (in vain) to make her take them back. I watched another show where two characters were in an "open relationship" and therefore (basically) cheated on each other on a regular basis. I also watched the first part of The Kennedy's miniseries, and one scene really stuck with me, where Joe Kennedy (John F and Bobby's father) is kissing his former mistress before she leaves his home for the night (after working there all day on John F's campaign) and the camera cuts to his wife watching the whole thing. His wife (Rose) then tells the girl it's probably chilly and asks if she needs to borrow a coat, not even acknowledging what she just witnessed.

Seeing these various displays of cheating and its aftermath is what originally got my mind rolling, but of course I think it's safe to say it's a universal issue that affects pretty much everyone at one time or another (and it's, therefore, probably something we all ponder at one time or another).

Now, I (thankfully) have never been cheated on (as far as I know), nor have I ever cheated on a partner so I can't really speak from experience on this one. But what I do know is that I would NEVER cheat on someone. EVER. And I really don't understand why someone would do it to another person.

To me, cheating is the ultimate betrayal and hurtful act in a relationship. And cheating is not only a betrayal - it involves lying and sneaking around behind your partner's back in some way - but it is also a way of saying (without actually using the words), any one or more of the following: You are not enough for me. You don't give me what I need. I am not satisfied being with you. I don't have any respect for you or your feelings. I am self-absorbed.

This may sound harsh, but I just don't understand how you could cheat on someone if you really care about them. If you really care about someone, you care about their happiness and their feelings. I don't see how you could betray someone whose happiness and feelings mean that much to you, so if you cheat on someone it must mean that their happiness and feelings really don't mean as much to you as you (or they) think.

I realize that not all situation are as black and white as that - sometimes you and your partner have problems. Sometimes the person being cheated ON does not treat you the way you should be treated. Sometimes people come into your life or situations happen to you that sweep you off your feet, compromise your judgment, and persuade you to make a bad decision.
However, I firmly believe that this is still not an excuse for cheating. If you are having problems in your relationship, the solution is to sit down with your partner and discuss them like adults. Chances are, if one or both of you are feeling that your needs are not met, talking this out, putting it out in the open can help solve these issues. If your partner is not willing to listen to you, change or discuss anything then that is the time to make your exit (and I mean completely out of the relationship, not to the bed of some other guy/girl).

And, if a situation presents itself to you that encourages you to cheat, it doesn't mean that you have to. We are all capable of self-control and we all (generally) know in our guts when we should not go through with something (when it's wrong), so if you give in to the "temptation" than the only person you have to blame is yourself. There are many people (myself included) who are tempted at one time or another, but have had the sense (and respect for myself and my partner) not to act on it.

Cheating does not make problems disappear or shrink, it only adds more problems that didn't need to be there in the first place. It complicates. Have enough respect for your partner to be honest with them and give them the benefit of the doubt, and have enough respect for yourself to not run to someone else's arms to make yourself feel better or to get "revenge".

In terms of how I would react if cheated on, I can see why some people take cheaters back, but I think I would have a lot of trouble doing this. I have trust issues with men anyway (not going there right now), so if someone cheated on me I think that would kill the little bit of trust I've managed to build into myself. And even if I could take that person back, the act would always be there - like the white elephant in the room, it would be hanging over your relationship like a fog. Forgiving is fairly easy to accomplish, but forgetting? Not so much...

It's a tough situation though, and I acknowledge how complicated most situations are that involve cheating. I suppose there are people out there who would not feel as betrayed and hurt as I would. I'm sure there are people out there who don't see cheating as such a bad thing, and that it depends on the circumstances. And that's fine - to each his own! However, I think it's important that both partners are on the same page - if one partner has an open view on cheating and does not believe in defining it so strictly, then they had better make sure their partner feels the same way. It is not fair for someone who is open about cheating to date someone who is not, just as it is not fair for someone who is NOT open about cheating to expect a partner who IS to stay faithful (don't hold your breath for that to happen).

Anyway, when it comes right down to it, I personally feel that cheating is never justified and I vow to never do it to someone nor date someone who has a history of doing this or an open opinion about it in general. Because, in the end, you're not just cheating on them - you're also cheating yourself, and that's just not 'me'.

Thoughts? What is your stance on cheating? Have you ever been cheated on/cheated on someone? How did it make you feel? Did you stay with that person? What do you consider "cheating"? Discuss!

Life is Good. That is All.

Life is good right now. I don't mean to brag, and I also don't mean to sound like a hippy-dippy tree-hugger or something. I just feel good about my life right now.

Here are some of the reasons why:

* I've been a member of Weight Watchers for approx. 2.5 weeks now and I've lost a total of 4lbs. Now 4 lbs isn't a huge amount of weight, but it's great for only 2 weeks. Plus, the thing that I love the most about this program is how accountable it has made me. It has completely changed my mindset in terms of what I eat and when. Once I started recording my food, it's like someone propped my eyes open with toothpicks because I realized up until that point I was eating WAY more and of WAY worse stuff than I realized! It boggled my mind how much of a mindless eater I am, and how few nutrients I was actually getting on a daily basis. I have also realized that the IDEA of a healthy lifestyle is scarier than actually living a healthy lifestyle - I was so worried before I started that I'd be starving all the time, would never be able to eat out or treat myself, and that I would generally be miserable and want to naw my own arm off after 4 days. However it's the complete opposite! I CAN have that cookie or that piece of pizza; I CAN go out with friends. It's all about moderation and portions and planning. Anyway, I won't go on and on (because I could, trust me) but suffice to say I'm finding this new healthy eating plan really great for me and I'm already feeling better about how my body feels and looks. I'm keeping my fingers crossed to meet my 1st goal (5% of my weight, or approx. 9lbs) by the end of this month!

* I'm really enjoying my new job - I'm not sure if I have explained my recent career change on this blog, but basically I've been temping since September while I try to find a permanent position and it's been a tough slog. I won't go into all the details here, but suffice to say I worked an admin assistant position that I really didn't like (but unfortunately was my only/best choice at the time), that is I worked there until about mid-February when I was let go because they filled my position permanently. However, it worked out for the best because my temp agency (which is amazing by the way!!) found me another position at the University in a different department and doing work which is actually related to my degree and activities that I really enjoy. I'm still temping for now, but the job will be reposted in the next few months and I'll have the opportunity to apply. For now, I'm just trying my darndest to work really hard and prove myself because this is a really great opportunity I don't want to miss! So, I've been here now approx. 3 weeks and I can already see myself working here long-term. I'm currently assisting with planning a major Conference taking place the end of April so I'm quite busy with that (and slightly stressed!) but I'm learning SO much. I'm really excited to see where this opportunity takes me in the next few months...stay tuned!

* I have been spending more and more time with my lovely boy. I don't like to get too personal on here, but what I will say is that we have a lot of fun together and he is very sweet. We love to go on little adventures, like road trips and taking in events around town. He's great for my weight loss too because he really enjoys hiking as well so we've been going on hikes every weekend for at least 2 hours! Now that it's warming up here, we are able to stay out longer and go on more trails since they are not all snowed in. He has also turned me onto Geocaching, which I'm sort of becoming addicted to. If you have never heard of it or tried it, check out the website - it's a lot of fun and a great way to get outside for some fresh air and to explore the city/town/province/state where you live. We have found so many little hidden gems around Nova Scotia and Halifax that I had no idea existed (and I've lived here my whole life! Hello!). It's a HUGE pastime - I had no idea how many people were into it and that they are so serious about it. If you like to travel and explore and be outdoors, give it a try! If you do, add me as a friend (my username is shortfuuse).

* I've been generally trying to focus more on myself and my personal life lately - I gave up some extracurriculars in order to have more time, both to spend with myself and with others. I have been trying to spend more "me" time, either just relaxing, or doing activities I enjoy like painting and drawing (I've been trying to tap into my creative side more as it's been neglected a lot in recent years and I really miss it). I've also been making an effort to spend more time with my sister and keeping in touch with friends. This has been quite successful and I know it's made me feel more positive and fulfilled. This is still a work-in-progress, but my efforts so far have really made a difference.

So, that's what I've been up to. Like I said, life is good! I think it's important for all of us to re-evaluate our lives once in a while ; to ask ourselves what's working and what's not and try our best to weed out the things that aren't working and replace them with other things that would benefit more from our time and efforts. We are all guilty of spreading ourselves to thin at times, and over the wrong things. Having a million hobbies and obligations doesn't necessarily mean you're a more accomplished and happier person. Sometimes having less external "projects" on your plate is better because it allows you to focus on more important things (like relationships).

Thanks for sticking with me, y'all! I told you I'd be back didn't I? I never make a promise I can't keep! **

What is new in your life??


*Seriously, if you are trying to lose weight and can't find anything to work for you (and you haven't tried it already), TRY Weight Watchers! Know what the best part is? If you sign up for the Online option, you get a whole online profile that's similar to Facebook and a Blog! I'm blogging about my experience here (not sure if the link will work for non-members but give it a try and let me know). LOVE IT!!

**I have to say I've missed this little ol' blog of mine. I have been keeping up with others' posts and reading their blogs has made me nostalgic for mine. I miss having it as an outlet for my opinions and thoughts, and I miss connecting with other writers through my comments and discussions on places such as 20-Something-Bloggers. 
I guess I felt weird about coming back all of a sudden after being gone so long, but then I realized it's my blog and I can do what I want with it. Besides, that's one of the great things about blogging - you can do it as much or as little as you want! Since I've missed it and I've cleared out some of the mental clutter I discussed here, I decided it's a good time to get back into it. I'm just going to post when I feel like it and not put too much pressure on myself. This is kind of the way I'm living my whole life right now - I'm feeling very easygoing and positive - I've made a dent in some positive changes I've been meaning to tackle, and I'm feeling good about that and that good feeling is permeating throughout my life. I still have plans for this space that I may or may not tackle in the near future, but for now I'm just concerned with what makes me feel good, and no matter the format or agenda, it feels good to blog! So, that's what I'm gonna do!

Oh, I wish that we could stop this d-i-v-o-r-c-e

Ok, I know this is kind of a wierd photo and I debated posting it, but I just had to show - is this cake not disturbing?! I mean, I'm all for finding humour in a crappy situation, but methinks this might be pushing it a tad far? Thoughts?

Ok, I know I've been blabbing on about marriage a lot lately. I swear to god I'm not obsessed with it, it's just an issue that I find interesting, especially in these times. Also, since I'm a child of divorce I have a unique, albeit cynical, perspective on it.

That's right, I come from a broken home. Poor me.

I'm kidding of course. To be honest, knowing what I know now, my parents getting divorced was (take a deep breath) THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. And to my mom. I firmly believe I wouldn't be half as mature, independent, and close to my mom as I am now if my parents stayed together.

That being said, divorce is never something I would wish on anyone because it can be an extremely confusing, conflicting and traumatizing, especially for the children involved. An extremely disruptive life event like a divorce can have lasting effects that people try to alleviate by hopping from couch to couch or bed to bed.

Divorce effing sucks.

Which is why, even though I have a rather cynical, untraditional viewpoint on marriage and part of me is grateful I went through one, it really saddens me whenever I hear of couples divorcing. Especially couples that have kids and that have been together for decades.

It even saddens me when I hear that it's happened to people I've never met, never will meet, and generally speaking, don't give a crap about. For example, recent celeb break-ups that have shocked me include Courtney Cox and David Arquette, Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman, and Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins (though I don't think they were actually married, but they were together for 20-some years, so it's basically the same thing). It sounds dumb that I would be shocked and saddened over some dumb celebs relationships breaking up, but I can't help it!

My initial reaction is honestly one of disappointment because, in the words of (my future husband) Tim Gunn they just seemed to "make it work"! I mean, what happened?! You were together for half your lives! You have kids together! Why, god, why?!

Then my initial disappointment turns (as most things in my mind do once they've percolated through my brain for a bit) to cynicism. I was thinking about it today, in fact, and the first conclusion I came to was something like, "well, celebrities have it soooo easy when it comes to divorce!". I mean, think about it: they have enough money that they can get the paperwork done practically overnight, even if their ex-spouse takes them for everything they have they still have more money than I'll probably make in my lifetime, and the kids would have been messed up anyway with that kind of upbringing so might as well get the dysfunction over with! And I feel a bit bad saying this, but part of me feels like a lot of people get divorced because it's an "easy way out", and they can avoid actually sitting face to face and DEALING with their problems.

This really got a train of thought going, though - are break-ups really easier for celebrities than for regular Joe's like you and me? There is definitely a voice inside that screams out "yes" mainly due to the compelling financial argument (I don't care what anyone says, having a lot of money makes a lot of things easier). And given their hectic, ego-driven lives, it seems likely they would rather get their hair highlighted and go tanning than talk and work through adult issues.

However, (at the risk of going all Dr. Phil-osophical on you) say what you will about celebrities but they are still human (well most of them). They still have feelings, fears, insecurities, and emotional baggage. They can still have their hearts broken. Trust me, I'm normally the LAST person to ever sympathize with a celebrity or defend them, but I can't help but feel sorry for some of them sometimes (obviously excluding those sociopaths that get married and divorced merely for publicity), especially when I picture me dealing with the pain and upheaval of my parents' divorce completely in the public eye.

No, thank you.

The fact is, divorce sucks no matter who you are. Chances are having the money to hire the best lawyer in the country probably wouldn't have helped my mom make my dad pay child support and other money he legally owed her. Chances are it wouldn't have saved her years of in-an-out court battles. Chances are my dad would have still drank his life away even if he was a celebrity, and frankly he probably would have done it faster. Chances are I would still have the "issues" with men that have roots in the absence of a male role model in my life, the only difference being I might have just partied them away until I burned out.

Then again, with a bank account similar to Christina Aguilera's my mom could have hired a hitman to take out the trash then escape to a life of anonymity a remote South Pacific island and been done with it.

That would have been a nice advantage.

*I KNEW there had to be a song about divorce!! And a country song - shocker!! See, there's always a silver lining with me*

Falling in Love (is hard on the knees)

I was reading this post on one of my favourite blogs today (as I often do...well, if you call every day often), writing a comment in agreement with her post, and I realize I had an opinion I wanted to run with (again as I often do). So...well, I suppose it would be easier for me if I just showed you rather than told you - here's my comment (you may wanna also read the post linked above so that you get the gist of the issue being discussed):

I totally agree with all your points above! I’m going to be 26 in December and I’m single and NOWHERE CLOSE to getting married anytime soon. I live in my own place and have for over 1 year and a half, and seriously (though it sucks being broke a lot of the time) it was one of the best decisions ever. And this is coming from someone who FIRST moved out with her bf of only 8 mths when neither of them had ever lived on their own. BAD IDEA!! As you can imagine, we only lasted another 5 or 6 mths after that, but the good news is we’re now good friends and I got the chance to live totally on my own and I’ve grown so much. I was always a mature person, but I’ve matured even more and realized just how tough and perserverant I am. It’s been much easier to “find myself” without someone else “distracting” me…..hmm you know what?! This has my brain going, I’m going to do a whole post on this!! haha xo *

*(And AGAIN as I often do, I wrote a novel when a 3 sentence comment would do)

As promised, I'm going to continue my comment in this post. I feel like talking about this issue is a bit like beating a dead horse (I've discussed this issue before on my blog and other issues similar to it), but I also think there's a reason for that. This is an issue that I'm constantly confronted with at this stage in my life and it frustrates me.

I'm just going to come right out with it...

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY in the 21st-century do young women STILL place so much importance on getting married?! On having a wedding?! I. Don't. Get. It.

Now before you jump down my throat, I'm not saying getting married or having a wedding is a BAD thing. In fact, I love weddings - they can be really fun, romantic and elegant events and I think if you've found someone you are committed to loving for life that it's wonderful to celebrate that with your loved ones.

However, I don't think getting married or having a wedding is something that someone HAS to do.
I don't think it's something that should be rushed into.
I don't think it's something that one should pay the equivalent of the GDP of CHINA for.
I don't think you should revolve your entire wedding around other people and what they feel is best.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that wedding marketing as a whole is primarily targeted to women. NOT to couples. Women. Of course, part of the reason for this is that the brides traditionally manage the majority of the wedding planning. However, I also feel it's because women just care about weddings more.

And why not?! You get to be a princess for a day, you get to be the centre of attention and of a large circle of love and admiration, you get to dress up more elegantly than you ever have before.

But in the end it's just a wedding. It's one day of your life. I'm not saying it's not an important day, but it's not THE MOST important. People seem to forget that the wedding is over pretty quick and that you have a lifetime (if all works out) to look forward to afterwards. I mean what's more important, one perfect day or a hundred thousand great ones (with a few shitty ones thrown in for good measure - c'est le vie, non')?

Anyway, I want to make it very clear that I'm not wedding or bride bashing here. I'm just trying to provide some perspective because (as I mentioned) it seems to me that lately I'm surrounded by "wedding talk" in various forms. And by lately I mean pretty much ever since I turned 24. Perhaps it's just me, but I doubt it. I've talked to others my age (both attached and not) and I'm not alone in my opinions.

When it comes right down to it, my motto is "to each his (or her) own". I just know that a wedding (and a marriage) is not necessarily something I want. I'm not saying it's something I DON'T want. I'm just not sure. And I guess I'm just not in any rush. I realize I am single and "haven't met the right person" (as people keep telling me) but even if I had, I feel that it wouldn't matter because this is a time of self-discovery. I'm enjoying being on my own because it's allowing me to connect to the person that (ultimately) I'm truly stuck with for life -  ME! I feel like I'm still figuring myself out, what I want, what I don't want, where I want to be in 5 or 10 years, settling into the perfect career for me, etc. In other words, I'M LIVING, or trying to. I don't know that I want a wedding because I don't know what I want in life!

This is a time for commitment to me, as cheesy as that sounds. Do I want to settle down eventually? Well, of course I do. Of course I want to find a special person who "gets" me and that I "get", that respects me and encourages me, and who makes me a better person. I want to build a life with someone and have a companion to talk to and build a portfolio of experiences with. I'm human, and ALL humans want this.

But, when it comes right down to it, I don't need a piece of paper with some signatures on it and an overpriced buffet dinner to prove that I love someone and want to commit to them forever. I can just tell them this myself (and him to me) and save a lot of money and stress (did I mention save money?). Also, I guess it's not about not wanting a wedding, it's about wanting a wedding that is "me", and that means "non-traditional".

Gah, who knows?! I'm a cynic, I'm the first one to admit that, so perhaps I just need to lighten up.

Seriously though, to all of you past brides and brides-to-be out there, to all of you who are currently swooning over invitations and seating plans or have in the past, to all of you who have found the person you believe to be "the one", I just want to say this: Congratulations. I'm happy for you. Enjoy. You are very lucky.

But if one more of you looks at me with a pouty face and says "aw, don't worry, you'll find someone too" (or something similar) I swear to God I will slap that pretty white tulle off your head so fast it'll make your head spin straight into your Silver Anniversary party.

(Please don't hurt me, ladies)

Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop #4: Single White Female

It's been a while since I've participated in Mama Kat's writing challenge, but I really liked her prompts for this week.

The prompt that most spoke to me was:
2.) A list of things you no longer have in common with your married/child bearing friends…and why you love them anyways.

Oooooh boy, I could write a novel about this (but I won't). It's very interesting - there was a shift about a year or two ago and all of a sudden everyone I know was either living with a significant other, engaged or pregnant. As someone who was not even contemplating any of these things, this "shift" was completely baffling to me.

I mean I was (and still am) very happy for these friends, of course, and excited for them to be entering a new stage in life. But on the other hand, it made me think to myself: "We're only 23/24?! We're not adults yet!! When did this happen?!". Now I'm very mature for my age and always have been, so being afraid of "growing up" shouldn't really be an issue for me (I grew up a long time ago in actuality), but for some reason things like moving in, getting married and having kids were very "adult" things in my mind and so it was hard to reconcile that my friends, who were younger than me and still (like me) figuring out who they were, were all of a sudden being "adults".

When this shift happened, I felt like there was something wrong with me, like if everyone else is doing these things than I should be too and WHY aren't I?! It can be very lonely when everyone you are close to has a companion to go take trips with and a date for Christmas parties. I'm one of the only ones in my core group of friends who is single and also lives alone, so there's no way avoiding at least occasionally feeling like a 3rd or 5th wheel. That's not fun.

But for the most part, I love my single life. I love having complete freedom and independence, and to be able to go where I want, when I want and not have to answer to or consult anyone. I could take off for another country tomorrow if I wanted to and I wouldn't have to worry about cutting attached strings, and that's a wonderful thing.
 
However, it's very frustrating not being able to relate to my friends like I used to. Not only are most of them attached, but they all want to get married and start having kids before 30 (if they haven't done this already); they want to settle down and buy a house in the suburbs and have a regular 9-5 existence. They want to stay in and have games nights instead of going out dancing or to concerts. Sure, they can remember what it's like to deal with "single issues", but they have enough distance from them that they don't really understand those issues. It's hard to talk to someone about being single when they can't really relate to what that means.
 
This is fine, by the way - everyone's personality and life goals are different and there is nothing wrong with that - it's just tough to talk to them about the future when our visions of it are completely different (and talking about the future is nice to do with friends). I'm not saying I never want to get married or have kids, but I'm undecided; I want to be 100% sure about those things before doing them and I'm just not there yet, and I don't see myself being sure by the time I'm 30. Who knows, perhaps I'll change my mind in a few years, but overall I feel that I just have different priorities for my life - I want to establish a fun, rewarding career that gives me freedom and mobility, I want to travel, I want to live in other places, etc, etc. There are things I want to do and see and the fact is it's much harder to accomplish this once you are saddled with kids and a mortgage so I'm in no rush to procure either of these.
 
I feel that some people are meant to contribute to the world by building families, and others are not, and I just don't think I'm a part of the former group. I'm just not sure I'm meant to settle down in the traditional sense.
 
In any case, even though my friends have different lifestyles and goals than I do, they are still really sweet, fun, intelligent people and I plan on having many more good times with them. Life changes; people change. That's the only guarantee in life (aside from death and taxes), and that's ok. You keep the good friends you have, go out and make new friends that fit your current lifestyle and outlook, and you move on. We sure would be a boring species if we never evolved our characters and way of life! Who knows who (or what) I will become by the time I reach my 30's (and when it comes right down to it, as long as I'm not working at McDonald's or have giant fake boobs, I'll be pretty happy).

What about you? Are you single or married? Do you have kids? Do you want to do these things? Do your friends have similar lifestyles to you or no? Have you noticed changes in how you relate to one another over time?

It's My Party, and I'll Cry If I Want To

Today is sort of my last day at work. I say sort of because next Friday (Sept 3rd) is my last day in the office, but tonight is my "Goodbye Party". Yes, my boss wanted to have a party for me to say goodbye (and not because she's just THAT happy to see me finally leave...though actually I don't know that 100%...hmm....)

Anyway...

This is why I'm going to miss working here - because I work with the kind of people who want to throw a PARTY for me. ME! I've never had this happen before - heck at my last job I was barely given the space/time to clean out my desk. Generally, I hate being the centre of attention so at first the suggestion of having a party just for me made me cringe, but for the most part it made me all warm and fuzzy inside. I felt like having a Sally Field moment and yelling "You like me! You really like me!" (but I didn't - at least not out loud).

I feel very lucky that I even have a job, let alone one that has allowed me the freedom, support and genuine caring that I've experienced here. Of course, I don't technically HAVE a job anymore, which doesn't make me feel so lucky, but I'm still grateful for the experience I have had here. Honestly I wasn't that drawn to this job when it first fell into my lap about 15 months ago - frankly, I took it because I was unemployed and desperately broke so I really only saw it as a way to pay the bills. Little did I know how much I would learn about myself (my strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, etc), how openly the "family" would welcome me into the fold, how patient everyone would be while I attempted to fill some large shoes (whose owner had gone on mat leave), and how many fun, creative projects I would have the chance to work on.

In addition, I had no idea that my boss would turn out to be the best I've ever had. She has always made me feel valued, cared for, productive, and trusted, not to mention has always put my quality of life at the top of the list and in that vein has given me free time and space when I need it, no questions asked.

So, needless to say this party will be bittersweet for me. I'm not looking forward to leaving and I'll be sad to not be a part of this group anymore (I'll be sad to no longer have a job, period). However, I will still be helping them out on a contract basis here and there, so my foot will be kept in the door. And for the most part, I feel very positive about the whole thing because I'm very grateful I at least had this experience. I know first-hand how tough it is to find any job, let alone one that you enjoy and that allows you to work with people you enjoy as well. This is rare, and I'm privileged to have found it, even for a short time.

I've been feeling down lately about my job situation (or lack thereof), among other things and I'm very unsure of the future at the moment. But I'm determined to not to let this get me down. I have decided I'm going to try and stay positive no matter what. The drive for this comes from the gratefulness I feel re. the above, but also from a desire to come out on the other side rather than be mowed down.

I've been using various tactics to stay positive and one activity I've started doing that I would recommend to anyone is writing a list of "Affirmations" at the end of each day. This is a list of 10 positive things that happened that day and it's as simple as that. I started it as a way to train my brain to focus on the positive rather than the negative (which is tough for me as I tend to be naturally cynical and pessimistic). At first, I was worried it would be really hard to come up with 10 things every time and I decided I'd settle for coming up with more than one, but each day I have been able to draft a list quite quickly; I've found that once I start, the affirmations literally SPILL from my brain and out the pen! Even yesterday when I was feeling probably the most down I've felt all week and thought to myself "ugh, it's going to be tough to come up with 10 things tonight", I had 10 things listed in the blink of an eye! I was, and am, shocked at how such a small action can help so much.

It's sort of silly and there's no way of knowing whether it will actually help in the long run, but I truly think that if I keep it up, eventually my brain's thoughts will conform automatically to positive thinking, at least most of the time. If anything, it ends my day on a high note and allows me to go to sleep content and ready to tackle the morning, and that can never be a bad thing. I need all the positive thinking I can muster right now, and I am sure it will only come back to me in the long run.

Even if it doesn't, I will be satisfied just knowing I tried to fight the blues and had wonderful people behind me the entire time.

(This all being said, I'm still not looking forward to the "goodbye" part of the party. Ah well, at least there will be booze)

Modern Love (get me to the church on time)

With the wedding of my best friend taking up the better part of my psyche and time this past month or so (particularly this past weekend), I've been thinking a lot about my own wedding (well, if I have one) and what I would want it to be like.

How I'm picturing my big day (if I ever happen to become engaged), is a trip away (Carribean? Italy?), and outdoor ceremony in a scenic area (by a lake, on a beach) with a few select people (close family and friends), and us two. If we wish to involve our family further, and involve more people, I would see us having a party upon our return - nothing too fancy, just a get-together with food, drinks and good music - to give those that couldn't share the big day with us a chance to share in the event.

Watching my best friend and her fiance grapple with the politics of planning and involving everyone in their extended families in their day, while still trying to keep it about them and a celebration of their union, cured me of ever wanting to go through a similar experience.

I'm not saying it's not a good idea to involve family at all, I'm just saying it's not fun when family members get TOO involved (unless you want them to). It just makes things so much more complicated and the real point of the matter gets lost - it becomes about everyone else's needs and wants and not about celebrating the couples' love and union. You have to create seating charts that require an PhD in Mathematics to decipher because Uncle Herald can't be at the same table as Aunt Phyllis since they hate each other, you have to provide a meal for every Tom, Dick and Harry you ever met in University and their significant others, you have to hear your mother/mother-in-law's opinions about the "right" way of doing things every time you turn around, and blah blah blah...

I'm also not saying you shouldn't have a big wedding - a marriage should be a celebration -  but I for one am shocked at the amounts of money that some people shell out just for such a celebration. It's ridiculous, and I don't see the point in starting off your marriage poor and in debt just to have a big fancy, fairytale event. Of course, even going away to get married and having a party could be expensive, but it would make it much easier to keep costs down as there wouldn't be as many small costs randomly adding up (chances are a lot of things would be inclusive, also the big luxury would be the trip; the rest of the wedding could be very simple). And I figure if I'm going to spend $7,000, I might as well have an adventure or a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Plus, with a destination ceremony, you have the honeymoon built in without any extra planning and packing! Not to mention that if you keep it simple and only include a few select people, you're not asking your friends and family to shell out hundreds of dollars for your special day, which can sometimes put people in an awkward position.

Also, I'm not going to lie - I would love to have a day just for "me", where I'm the centre of attention and I can wear a beautiful dress and accessories, and have an excuse to have a big party and catch up with old friends and family. I can certainly see the appeal. But at the same time, I absolutely dread having such a huge occasion centred around me - after all it's about you as a couple, not you as a bride - and having the weight of expectation on my shoulders. And I don't want to be put in a place where I have even a slight chance to become a "bridezilla" and make everyone around me miserable just to get married. Besides, you can be the centre of attention, look beautiful and have a big party without spending a lot or pulling every last strand of hair out of your head.

Of course, I'm not even sure I'm the "marrying kind" as they say, or that I even believe in marriage. Well, it's not that I DON'T believe in it; I just feel on some level that it's overrated and not really something that is necessary in today's world. I guess seeing a horrid divorce unfold in front of your young eyes would do that to you. Aside from that though, I feel on some level that, even though we have come a long way in terms of feminism and women's rights, girls still place a huge amount of importance on getting married and having a fancy wedding, and I don't understand it. It kind of dumbfounds me. To their favour though, there's no question that society still places this pressure onto people my age, and people in general, to be in relationships and define them according to tradition. Plus, I'm single and haven't found that person I love enough to want to spend the rest of my life with, so perhaps when that happens I'll change my mind (I doubt it though).

PLEASE NOTE: All of this is JUST MY PERSONAL OPINION and by no means am I judging what anyone else chooses to with their life or for their wedding - everyone has a different idea of what is fun and important, what is worth spending money on, who should be involved, etc. I'm just sharing my point of view, as this is an issue I find very interesting and that has been on my mind lately, and I happen to have strong opinions about. I just don't necessarily agree with some of the pressures that have been built up around these events. Also, none of these comments are reflective of my friend's wedding - their ceremony and reception were lovely and tasteful and personal, and I know for a fact that they budgeted everywhere they possibly could (more proof that you don't need to lay down the annual GDP of a small country to have a great wedding).

Ultimately, what I feel is that the wedding isn't the important thing - the marriage is, and that's what you want to put the time and money into. The wedding lasts a day, but your marriage (ideally) lasts much longer.

Tainted Love

I just had to write a post about this, as I have so many thoughts and opinions about it I can barely contain them. The reason for my mental overload is the following email that I received from the dating site OKCupid this morning that stated the following:

"We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you'd like to know.
How can we say this with confidence? We've tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver. Your new elite status comes with one important privilege: You will now see more attractive people in your match results.This new status won't affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match's answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results. Suddenly, the world is your oyster. Login now and reap the rewards. And, no, we didn't just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see."

I had read in the newspaper recently about OkCupid's new "rating system", but I never imagined I'd get such a message. At first I was surprised and a little bit flattered that I was considered to be part of the "good looking" tier on a dating website - nice boost to the self-esteem. However, this pride was tempered with discomfort once I considered the rather alarming fact that this website "ranks" people based on their inate attractiveness, and in a way gives them an advantage (or not) in finding a mate. In my opinion, there is something very wrong about that, and by the time I got to the end of the email and read "go ask an ugly friend and see", my pride of inclusion had dwindled down into a feeling of shame and disgust.

For one, what place does a dating site have to rank users and base their experience on how attractive they are? Isn't a dating site supposed to be democratic, open to anyone who wants to upload their information and/or pay the money (if it is a paying site, which OKCupid is NOT) and who has the desire to find a date? Maybe I'm being idealistic here, but essentially isn't it supposed to act as an open forum for people to pursue whomever they choose for whatever purpose they prefer (within reason of course)? There is nothing democratic and open about giving "better looking" people "better" matches and grouping users in different wings as if they are 1st, 2nd and 3rd class passengers on the Titanic. As you can read above, they even describe me as now having "elite status", which is an automatic class distinction right there.

Second of all, who died and made OkCupid the Master of Determing Attractiveness? Attractiveness is a completely subjective thing - one person may think I'm incredibly ugly, while another may think I'm incredibly hot. They say they figure out who fits in this "elite" group by tracking "click-thrus on your photo" and analyzing "other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver", but is this really a good measure of how attractive I am to these other people? I suppose the 2nd one could sort of be analyzed in this way, but I don't see how "click-thrus" on my photo proves that someone finds me attractive. Someone could click thru to my photos and go "blech, no thanks" and move on. How do they know?

Plus, they say that my matches will now be "more attractive" and I'll be shown "more attractive people in match results". But again, who determines that these people are more attractive than other non-elite members? How do they know that I will find these matches more attractive? The fact is, they don't, and I'm willing to bet my matches from now on will look pretty much the same, meaning I'm pretty sure I'll find the same number of them attractive as I would have before my "upgrade".

Besides the subjectivity of attractiveness, I think we can all agree (however corny it sounds) that looks are NOT everything. Sometimes the people that are not considered conventionally "attractive" are the most interesting, smart, accomplished people around and, frankly, some of the more attractive people are vacuous, immature and self-absorbed (I say sometimes, mind, I'm not trying to pigeon-hole anyone).

And don't get me wrong, you of course have to be physically attracted to someone in order to have a relationship with them, but I feel this is something that can develop over time, and it isn't the MOST important thing. I wouldn't even consider myself conventionally "attractive" - sometimes I would just love to be taller, or 40 lbs thinner or not have such chubby cheeks or such a wierd nose - but I also want to be seen as more than my looks, and would like a partner who is more than looks as well.

Online dating is already hard enough between people rejecting you before they even know you, the sites serving as a breeding ground (no pun intended) for people cruising for one-night stands or for anti-social/agoraphobic wierdos, and the ease with which potential dates can "embellish" their profiles and/or avoid commitment to any one person. But now the sites themselves are sitting up on high horses and proclaiming who deserves to have a good mate and who doesn't? And for no real reason other than because they can? Way to make things even harder and more complicated for us weary daters, OkCupid (and I didn't even think that was possible to achieve. Congrats and cue eye roll).

I'm not going to lie to you, I got a twinge of hope when I read that I would now start to be shown "more attractive matches" (let's be honest here, even though looks aren't the most important thing, it's usually the first thing that attracts you to a person, and when you're online you really only have looks to go on to start). But soon all these questions and concerns started to pop up in my mind and this point became moot. I suppose I respect the fact the OkCupid is trying to be innovative, and is looking ways to improve matches for its users (and really when a site is free, you can't necessarily demand the same level of service and decorum that a pay-site like eHarmony does), but I just don't think it's their place to determine who is a match for me and who isn't (um, hello, I'm a big girl and can make my own decisions, thanks).

I think what digusts me most of all about this message, is the statement that "suddenly, the world is your oyster" - implying that finding an "attractive match" and being considered an "attractive match" yourself gives your life meaning and possibility - totally out of nowhere you are someone and you mean something! On the other hand it implies that your "ugly friends" are not entitled to have such meaning and possibility in their lives - they are 3rd class people, and as such only deserve 3rd class treatment and experiences. No one's worth should be based on their physical attractiveness. This root of bigotry in our society is one on which crises such as eating disorders, reality television, suicide, and mental health issues grow.

I've tried every popular dating website out there - Plenty of Fish, LavaLife, eHarmony, OkCupid (of course) - and I've found good and bad experiences with all of them. Overall, I haven't had a terrible experience and have met some nice guys (or "attractive matches" I guess you could call them). But I've also never met anyone who stuck. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing (the be-all, end-all of my life is certainly NOT finding a mate; I have a great life on my own), however it does get very old and demeaning after a while and I'm at the point where I wonder why I'm still doing it.

Segregating people based on criteria over which (for the most part) they have no control, and which really has no bearing in whether they will find a match in any case is appalling. This only serves to perpetuate and nurture qualities of arrogance and insecurity, depending on the person in question. How about perpetuating and nurturing an environment of non-judgment, acceptance, and individual preference? Dating is hard - how about you make it EASIER for us, OkCupid, not harder? That is, after all, your job. You seem to have forgotten that so consider this a friendly reminder to keep in mind next time you want to "improve" our experience.

I Say a Little Prayer for You

Wow, I've been slacking with the blogging this week. I have an excuse though - I was in New Brunswick for work all day Wednesday and Thursday and Friday was crazy busy between dropping stuff at work, taking the rental car back, blah blah blah. Went on another "so-so" date last night and wondered why I keep putting myself through meeting guys from these dating websites when none of them ever seem to go anywhere and tell myself to quit it and just sit back and let myself meet someone "organically" except don't really want to when it comes right down to it because then I figure I'll be alone a really long time. Ya know, the usual.

Anyway, time to get back into it! I've had a good weekend so far - had a meeting today about my best friend's bachelorette party, which is 4 weeks from today (man, where the eff does the time go?! Seriously, someone needs to find where it goes, fill up a ginormous truck and bring it back to me!). Not sure if I've mentioned it before but my best friend is getting married on June 5th and I'm her Maid of Honour and as such am responsible for planning the shower and stagette (ok, who uses the term 'stagette' and who says 'bachelorette'? I use both interchangeably but some have looked at me like an alien when I use the former so I don't think it's as common - is that what the British use? Just curious if anyone else says 'stagette').

I'm really excited because I think Nicole and Brad are a great couple, and even though she's young (24 next week) she's mature and level-headed. They have been together for 5 years, and because she was in school full-time out of the city, and he was in the military, they have been long-distance for a huge chunk of that time. I honestly don't know how they deal with being apart for such long periods of time. I could never do it! They are definitely committed and are one of those couples that's going to last (and I'm her best friend, so if I didn't think he was good for her, I would say so! Ya feel me, ladies??).

Nicole and I have been friends since we were 5-6 years old and grew up across the street from each other, so it's so wierd to see her getting married, and becoming a teacher - things we've talked about doing someday for, like, forever! I love her to bits. Though when I say love, I mean in a purely platonic way. But if I were a lesbian I would totally tap that...

What?

Anyhoo......

Seriously though, I can't wait. Though this wedding is rather bittersweet for me, both because she will be moving to Alberta within two days of the wedding so I have no idea when I'll see her again, and also because helping plan a wedding does (on some level) serve to remind you that you AREN'T getting married, and are in fact, ALONE. I mean I'm not one of those that sits at home and cries into her Cheetos about being single and stays at home every night wearing sweats and talking to her cat - I have a very busy, happy and fulfilling life without a man. Plus, in the words of Jamie Foxx, I can "buy my own bottles", thank you very much. But let's be honest here, the only real purpose that weddings serve for single people are to remind them that they are, in fact, single. I'm not looking forward to Nicole's grandmothers/great aunts asking me "how my love life is" and giving my sympathetic looks when I answer something to the affect of "I don't have one at the moment" as if they are looking down at a helpless little puppy shivering in the rain on the sidewalk. You poor thing; don't worry you will find someone someday too. Mm hm, yeah. Because, of course, there's something wrong with me if I don't. It doesn't help that I'm about a year and a half OLDER than Nicole is.

But I'm not bitter.

Seriously though, I can't wait....
I already said that didn't I?

Really though, I can't. It's going to be a great wedding, and I'm really proud to be in her wedding party and to be able to share her special day so close to her. Plus, I know the reception is going to be one rocking, East-Coast, drunken party (with an extra side of drunkenness) and who wouldn't be looking forward to that?! ALSO, since it's my best friend's wedding, I have complete artistic license to pull a Rupert Everett at the rehearsal dinner:



"Someday I knew it would end up like this...like some glittering Rock Hudson, Doris Day extravaganza". Haha, oh Rupert, how I love you. Perhaps he will show up unexpectedly at the reception just to surprise me?! Rupert, are you listening?!

Anyway, plans are mostly in place for the shower and bachelorette, plus I took my dress in for my first fitting today (had to have it taken out at the sides...depressing) so it's really starting to feel real. I can't BELIEVE it's only like 6 weeks away! We've been talking about it for 3 years and it seemed so far off, and now it's like, here! I really wonder where the time goes - I know I said that already too, but it's because I REALLY REALLY wonder it!

In other news, I'm on the job hunt yet again since my contract is up in June. Have a job interview this coming week for a job I really want, so fingers crossed. I also bought some hair dye that I'm going to try out today. Observe:

It's not really the best photo, but you get the idea. It's "medium golden mahogany brown", which is quite the mixture. I had been itching to dye my hair auburn for a while, and finally did in February, but it turned out darker and less red than I was hoping. This one has a bit more red in it, so I'm hoping it will be more what I was going for. Hey, as long as I don't come out looking like barney, I'm cool. I really should be cleaning, but I'm going to do this instead, just because I'm feeling productive.

Going to see Girl With The Dragon Tattoo tonight - hoping it's good! I've heard the story is kinda brutal in spots (including a brutal rape scene?!) but also heard good reviews. My dating habits would suggest that I'm a masochist, so perhaps this will be just my kind of movie!

Happy Weekend, all!

Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop #2: Divorce Dreams

This topic from this week's Writer's Workshop list caught my eye right away, because as a child of divorce, I understand first-hand what it's like to go through that experience. And my parent's divorce was a profound event in my life that changed me and, I feel, molded me into the person I am today.

I realize this question is kinda directed more so at people who are married, and I'm not, but I felt compelled to share my unique perspective on this issue.
To say that my parents' divorce was a surprise would not be an understatement. My parent's weren't exactly "lovey-dovey" and, in fact, I would wake up nights and here them fighting in the basement. However, being only 11 or 12 when they split, I wasn't old enough to comprehend the complexities of adult relationships and so divorce never really entered my mind. I remember them (well, my mom) sitting us down to tell us like it was yesterday (and I don't have a very good memory normally). I remember feeling angry and not understanding (and storming off to my room).

Not only was it hard to comprehend, but it was embarassing. None of my friends' parents were divorced so in my tight, suburban neighbourhood I felt like a freakshow. Refreshingly, my parent's were actually very mature about it at first, really trying to make the transition for my sister and I easier; I remember my dad coming by regularly and actually coming over at Christmas with a gift for my mom (wtf?!). And the first few years I saw my dad once or twice a month and would have sleepovers with friends at his new home (with his former mistress, now live-in girlfriend. Mm hm. Yeah. Again, 11...didn't clue in then).

But that didn't last long. I really haven't had a relationship with my dad since I was 15 years old (looooong story which I won't get into here) and haven't seen or talked to him in several years now (even though he lives in the same city as me), so basically I grew up without a dad. He wasn't there during the critical time in my adolescence when I needed a male influence, and that still affects me to this day.

I don't mean this to turn into a big "poor me" story, but I'm not going to sugar-coat it - the divorce was a traumatic experience. However, growing up with a single mom and an older sister with a disability taught me maturity and independence and responsibility early on. It was hard and sometimes I resented it so bad I wanted to scream, but it made me into the person I am - a self-sufficient, rational, mature, independent and giving person. I have my mom to thank for that - not having my dad in the picture made her my sole role model, and I couldn't have asked for a better one. I was never want for anything and had a great life - I was never abused or neglected or told I couldn't do things. Many children are not so lucky.

Now, this doesn't really speak to the topic of the post, which is "divorce dreams", but I'm getting to that! My feelings about divorce are obviously very complex and I'm not someone who believes in telling others what to do. Plus, I do feel that divorce is often necessary; sometimes marriages can literally be emotional and mental "traps" for the people in them and sometimes two people can be far more dysfunctional together than apart. Trust me, even though it was hard for me to understand at the time, I realize now that my parent's were RIGHT to get divorced; in fact, I would even venture to say they should have gotten divorced earlier (they were together 18 years before they split). Even though deep down my dad was a good person, he was a philandering alcoholic and I know now that my mom was drowning and despairing being his wife.

This being said, I also do not believe in running for the hills as soon as any problems appear in a relationship. All relationship have problems and that can't be avoided. But all too often nowadays I think people expect this perfect Hollywood rom-com marriage and when they don't get it, they want to quit. Obviously, some problems, behaviour and treatment should never be tolerated from your spouse, but it seems to me that many problems couples experience either are very small and blown out of proportion, or start very small then grow and grow due to avoidance and lack of communication. Everyone has annoying habits and personality traits that can get more and more irritating over time, but most problems if dealt with properly early on can be solved if both people are willing to do so.

Obviously, I realize this is not always realistic and that, not being married or being a parent, I have no concept of what it's like to deal with those kinds of problems. In the interest of not getting a huge amount of backlash from the previous paragraph, let me clarify that my arguments against divorce are more directed at couples with children. However, I'm not saying that divorce should or shouldn't be considered in ANY cases; you have to do what you feel is best for you. All I'm saying is, it's not a decision I would be too hasty to make, especially if you have children. Because I may not be married or be a parent, but I do know what it's like to be a child watching your parent's - the foundation of your very existence in some ways - break apart and grow to hate each other. It's not pretty. Kids survive, but they also pick up on more than you think and they carry it with them; they remember. So, just keep that in mind next time you and your spouse are arguing about taking out the garbage.

Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop #1: Let He Who Hath No Sin Cast the First Stone

This is my first attempt at Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop! Each Tuesday a list of prompts is posted, you pick one, write about it, then link back to her blog the following Thursday. I thought this would be a great way to practice writing, and get my mind flowing with creative energy and ideas. Plus, reading others' writing will be a great way to hopefully find some inspiration. All in all, I'm hoping this will be a good way to expand my mind and further my writing (including making me more brave). This will be linked to Mama Kat's website with everyone else's tomorrow, per the workshop code, but thought I'd share on here a little early:

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So, this week's chosen prompt is: #4 “let he who hath no sin cast the first stone…” Is there anything you have judged prematurely, only to find yourself walking in the same shoes later?

For the most part, I like to think of myself as a very non-judgemental person. My philosophy is "live and let live", meaning if someone wants to live their life a certain way and it doesn't directly affect me, than I say "who cares?!". However, I wouldn't be human if I were never critical of others' choices and I'd be a liar if I said I've never thought to myself "they are crazy". We all do it and usually unconsciously.

Even though I consider myself non-judgemental, I do admit that I can be extremely cynical. I've been told I'm pessimistic, but I would call myself a realist. I'm practical and independent. I've always done things on my own and in my own way and that's the way I like it.

I'm sorry to say that I've looked at others who aren't this way with condescension; laughed at their foolishness of doing everything according to another person's wants/needs, rather than their own. Of falling head over heels in love after a week or two and blindly deciding to take huge life steps before really thinking about them, or just spending every waking minute with a significant other. I've always dismissed this kind of behaviour as silly, self-conscious and immature. I had a personal vow to never do this myself and was really convinced that I never would. I took solace in the fact that I was a rational person with two feet firmly on the ground.

So, when I decided I thought it would be a great idea to move into my first apartment a little over a year ago, with my boyfriend at the time, whom I'd only been dating approx. 9 months, it's hard to say where this stoic nerve went. What a stupid decision. Neither of us had ever lived in our own place, plus we hadn't been together long enough to really know each other deep down. You could see someone every single day for two years and think you know them, but still not be fully prepared to live with them. I see now that I was desperate for my own place and I used our relationship as a way to get that; a way to afford this lifestyle change. And, as ashamed as I am to admit it, I probably got caught up a little bit in the romance of it all; in being with someone who loved me enough to want to start building a life with me. I didn't see these things at the time, of course, but it became crystal clear after a few months.

Needless to say, we did not live together well.

After I came to the realization that this was an incredibly stupid and rushed decision, I wanted to kick myself. Where had that independent, rational, grounded girl gone?! Out of anyone I knew, I was the last person I would ever think would make such a dumb decision. I felt ashamed and silly. I had become those girls that I scoffed at with disdain; the ones that took chances on love. Psssh, please!

Now that I've had some perspective, I don't regret the decision. The embarrassment still stings a bit, but I wouldn't take it back if I could because I learned so much. I learned what a big step moving in with someone is, I learned I like living alone, I learned that I am tough, that I can make tough decisions and follow through with them even though they suck (along these lines, I also learned that the right decision doesn't necessarily feel good, and the wrong decision sometimes does). In other words, I grew up.

Most of all I'm glad that I took the chance. Always being a grounded, rational person frankly was kind of boring. Sure, it's safe and it may keep you from getting into some dramatically stressful situations, but it will also ensure that you never have any great stories to tell, and what's the fun in that?! How are you going to learn who you are and what you will/won't tolerate if you don't take the leap? You would think this kind of experience would make me gun-shy, and it has in a way - I will certainly think longer and harder before moving in with someone again - but it has also made me more open to chance. Life never turns out how you plan it anyway (NEVER!) so sometimes a chance is all you have. Besides, me and my ex are friends now, so it all turned out for the best.

I still judge my friends when they talk about moving in with their boyfriends or getting married and having babies. I feel scared for them and worry to myself that they are rushing or that they don't really understand what they are getting themselves into. But, underneath that voice of cynicism and judgement there is now a more wise, calm and optimistic one; a voice that wholeheartedly and genuinely says: "good for them".

Old Habits Die Hard

Well, I swore to myself I'd never do it again. After my last experience, I wanted to get as far away as possible from it. But here I am, back at it again.

I have re-joined (word?) Plenty of Fish. Yes, it's true. No, my doctor didn't switch up my meds. I'm really just that crazy and/or masochistic.

The good news is that within a day of re-joining (I like my new word, it's catchy), I got a message from a guy who is cute, seems to have similar interests and personality, and actually seems normal, which let's be honest is saying something for guys on POF. We are going out tomorrow and I'm excited, like a silly eleventh-grader or something. And we're not just going on any date - he's taking me to the gold medal game of the Brier! That's right, a curling game (are they called games? I don't even know); and not just any game, the big one. His treat. Heck, I was just excited that someone put a little thought into the date and didn't a) leave me to do all the work of planning where to go and when, and b) thought of doing something other than going for coffee or lunch or some other perfectly acceptable yet boring first-date activity.

We shall see. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to get prematurely excited about things, and in turn end up disappointed when my higher-than-normal expectations are not met. Anyone who knows me would also know that going to a curling game/match/whatever it's called is not the norm for me as well - nothing against curling, I just don't follow sports or watch them. Ever. Again, not that I don't like them but I'm just sort of indifferent. My mind is preoccupied with deeper things like clothes and food.

I'm still asking myself why I'm doing this online dating thing again because it's just never worked for me. And I'd be lying if I said I thought it was really going to work this time either, but what can I say. I guess if nothing else, I'm a persistent person who doesn't let a few bad experiences get me down. I thought to myself the other day too that even if I go on a date and it turns out bad or doesn't go anywhere, at least I took that step. At least I got out there and met someone and took the leap. At least I didn't stay home alone and lay on the couch with a box of cookies talking to the cat and watching dvd's (I mean I've never done that....ok maybe once or twice). And hey if you have a really bad date that's really awkward, at least you have a funny story to tell!

So, bottom line is, I'm back at it and not sure about it, but also happy about it. Make sense?

In any case, it's impossible to be down when it's sunny and 5+ degrees outside (it's sad and a testament to the shittiness of winter that 5 degrees is considered warm)! Plus, I'm getting ready to go out for a walk in Point Pleasant Park (a Halifax treasure), then coffee at the Wired Monk (another HT) then out for dinner (Turkish restaurant - ooo new!) and dancing with some fun gals! All this combined with my exciting date tomorrow, it's shaping up to be quite an awesome weekend.

Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go kick myself.

Love Stinks (yeah, yeah)

I've been thinking a lot about love and relationships lately. Of course this is mainly thanks to the fact that Valentine's Day is this weekend and therefore I've been inundated everywhere with pink and red and flowers and hearts and candy and sex positions and my boyfriend this and my fiance that for the past two weeks, with the pitch growing ever more feverish the closer that Sunday approaches.

This time of year has always intrigued me, but I can't say I've ever liked it overly much. I realize I'm a cynical single at the moment (I'm the first to admit it) but even when I was attached I didn't like it overly much. Some people are those romantic, head in the clouds, kittens and bubbles, true love seekers and some...well, aren't. I can definitively say that I fall into the latter camp.

Not that I don't believe in love and romance, I just feel that I have a more realistic viewpoint (some would say "pessimistic" but I prefer to use the afore-mentioned euphemism) about life, in that it doesn't turn out like a romantic comedy, oh, 99.99% of the time. In this case, I feel it's silly to put one's expectations or wrap one's entire life-experience into finding and keeping love as it's most likely not going to turn out how you want it to.

Ok, maybe I am a bit of a pessimist. But I don't necessarily see anything wrong with that! And again, it's not that I'm against romance. I DO have a romantic side deep down in there underneath all the Chandler-ese (I'm not dead inside!). In fact, hidden under the cynicism and fierce independence there is a lonely person yearning for affection and companionship (deep, deep down there, mind you). It's the cheesy romance stuff I don't like - I'm more partial to small, personal, thoughtful gestures than fuzzy teddy bears and gushy cards. It's the silly, everyday things that I think are romantic - getting flowers at work, coming home and finding dinner ready for me or the house really clean, him bringing home my favourite snack or movie just because. These are the things that make my heart flutter (so sue me).

I also don't feel that there should be such a focus on these cheesy, over-the-top, manufactured and copied gestures ONCE a year. Couples (and heck, everyone) should focus on doing small things for each other on a regular basis - I feel that this not only more meaningful but it's a really big part of what keeps a relationship going.

I'm not trying to get up on a high horse here, this is just my opinion. I'm sure some of this cynicism towards this holiday comes from the fact that I'm single and don't have a special someone to spend it with. If nothing else, there is a part of me that enjoys seeing the focus on love that this time of year brings, even if I'm not on the receiving end of any romantic gestures. After all, there's nothing wrong with the idea behind it all - that of spreading and proclaiming love in some way, shape or form to the people we care about in our lives (not JUST significant others). We don't have nearly enough love in the world, so it's nice to see. I personally plan on telling my family and friends that I love them this weekend and I think everyone else should too.

This all being said, even though I'm very comfortable and happy with my singleness (for the most part), it would be nice not to have that single-ness shoved in my face everywhere I turn. This shoving is at it's zenith this time of year and it's annoying. I will most likely spend Valentine's Day at home, in my pj's, unshowered, checking housekeeping items off my to-do list, eating take-out and talking to my cat (frankly, I'll be grateful to not be contending with the huge line-ups and shoulder-to-shoulder crowds at restaurants and movie theatres around town). So there, Hallmark. You can take that and shove it.

So, That Explains It!

I'm going to sort of cop-out on my post today and post a blurb from a book I'm reading - but I AM posting because I found it to be very profound and thought-provoking. Definitely gets the brain waves moving, forming various opinions and impressions. It is an interesting treatise on romantic partnerships and a neat metaphor for why we silly singles keep going out there trying to look for love. It strangely makes this whole business sound really silly and useless, while simultaneously validating it, proving that you are not alone in this search and that there's reason behind it. Think about it! Very interested to hear impressions, if any...enjoy!

"Once upon a time, Aristophanes relates (in a scene from Plato's The Symposium), there were gods in the heavens and humans down on earth. But we humans did not look the way we look today. Instead, we each had two heads and four legs and four arms - a perfect melding...of two people joined together, seamlessly united into one being. We came in three different possible gender or sexual variations: male/female meldings, male/male meldings, and female/female meldings, depending on what suited each creature the best. Since we each had the perfect partner sewn into the very fabric of our being, we were all happy. Thus, all of us...moved across the earth much the same way that they planets travel through the heavens - dreamily, orderly, smoothly. We lacked for nothing; we had no unmet needs; we wanted nobody. There was no strife and no chaos. We were whole.

But in our wholeness, we became overly proud. In our pride, we neglected to worship the gods. The mighty Zeus punished us for our neglect by cutting all the double-headed, eight-limbed, perfectly contented humans in half, thereby creating a world of cruelly severed one-headed, two-armed, two-legged miserable creatures. In this moment of mass amputation, Zeus inflicted on mankind that most painful of human conditions; the dull and constant sense that we are not quite whole. For the rest of time, humans would be born sensing that there was some missing part - a lost half...and that this missing part was out there someplace, spinning through the universe in the form of another person. We would also be born believing that if only we searched relentlessly enough, we might someday find that vanished half, that other soul. Through union with the other, we would recomplete our original form, never to experience loneliness again.

This is the singular fantasy of human intimacy; that one plus one will somehow, someday, equal one. But Aristophanes warned that this dream of completion-through-love is impossible...the original cleaved halves of the severed eight-limbed humans were far too scattered for any of us to ever find our missing halves again. Sexual union can make a person feel completed and sated for a while (Aristophanes surmised that Zeus had given humans the gift of orgasm out of pity, specifically so that we could feel temporarily melded again...), but eventually, one way or another, we will all be left alone with ourselves in the end. So the loneliness continues, which causes us to mate with the wrong people over and over again, seeking perfected union. We may even believe at times that we have found our other half but it's more likely that all we've found is somebody else who is searching for his other half - somebody who is equally desperate to believe that he has found that completion in us."
*Taken from "Committed", by Elizabeth Gilbert, page 97-99* http://www.elizabethgilbert.com/committed.htm