We Are Family

I've been thinking a lot about family lately. Obviously, it's only natural to do so around the holidays. It probably also has something to do with the grandmothers of both of my childhood best friends passing away within the last month, talking to my brother on the phone from New Zealand the other day (he's in NZ, not me, though I do wish it were reversed), spending more time with my sister lately, and my mother experiencing some health issues.

All of these occurances have brought home to me just how important family is and how most of us don't appreciate it enough, at least not until they are gone.

My family is very small - my mom is an only child and I don't have any contact with my dad's side, so (aside from a few cousins) it's pretty much myself, my sister, my two brothers, my mom and my grandmother (who will be 94 next year, I might add). When I was younger, I always used to envy my friends' huge families with their multiple generations and loud, boisterous family gatherings. But as I have gotten older (and arguably wiser) I have learned that sometimes quality is better than quantity. I have learned to appreciate my tiny family and be grateful for it. My family may be small, but the family I do have is close, and we all support each other (which, I think, is something many of us also forget to do when it comes to our families too).

My mom is my hero - she has survived two abusive marriages, raised 4 kids basically on her own (one with special needs) *no, I mean my sister, not me, smart ass...though I AM rather special* and has faced countless setbacks in her life without backing down or losing her sense of humour. Without a doubt, I am the mature, independent woman I am today thanks in large part to her influence. Don't get me wrong, she annoys me to no end sometimes and I'm sure I've pissed her off a couple of times (though usually it's her that starts it, let's be honest here) but it's mostly because we're so much alike (ugh, scary but true).

My sister is 5 years older than me, but since she has Down's Syndrome, I've always sort of been employed in the "older sister" role. She can be difficult and frustrating sometimes, but she can also be very sweet and funny. We have always bickered, just as any sisters normally do, but when it comes right down to it I love her very much. Let's put it this way: if anyone hurts her, they will have my fists to answer to (and if those fail me, I always have my rapier whit to fall back on - just ask a couple of boys from my elementary school, as they have experienced this wrath first-hand).

There is a large age gap between my two brothers and I (15-20 years) and I didn't actually grow up living with them beyond age two, but I still feel that I can count on them for whatever I need. They are far away (one is in Vancouver, one in New Zealand) but never far from my thoughts. I love that we can pick up the phone and chat just like months haven't gone by and that I'm so similar to both in many ways, even though we have barely spent an extended period of time together since I was a baby (certainly a strong argument for nature vs. nurture). Besides, I have a free B&B if I ever visit BC or NZ - huzzah!

I'd be lying if I said my grandmother was my favourite person growing up - long story short, lets just say we haven't always gotten along for many reasons and I have always had trouble understanding and sympathizing with her. Honestly, I still find her difficult to be around at times, but she has "mellowed" SO much with age it's still kind of dumb-founding. I've learned a lot about her and as such understand her more now than I ever have. I've realized that sometimes people shouldn't be judged so harshly because you have no idea what they have been through in life that has made them that way. Plus, I'm fascinated by her in a way - she looks probably 15 years younger than she actually is, still runs all her own errands and keeps her own house, AND still has all of her faculties. If she is any indication, I'm going to be one hot old lady!

Bottom line is, there are good and bad things about all my family members, just as there are good and bad things about me (though I can't really think of any bad right now). Sure, our family gatherings aren't loud and quirky and hilariously dysfunctional, but they are still fun. I never have to deal with people bugging me how my love life is, when I'm going to get married, what the heck is up with my hair/outfit/job, how I'm getting fat, and in addition they are not embarassing in the least (though they certainly can be if they really try).

I love that we are not traditional (single mom, disabled sister, gay brother married to a man from India...I'm pretty much the only normal one), and in my mind no family is "traditional". Every single one is different, and what makes every single one a "family" is different too. I hate that non-traditional families are still not fully accepted in our society, even though no one can really define what "traditional" is. Who cares what your family looks like or who is included in it, as long as you love and support each other and are contributing positively to each others' lives? *um, denouncers of gay marriage, are you listening?!*

When it comes to family, blood has something to do with it, but in my opinion it has more to do with the heart.

What is your family like? What do you like best/least about your family? Do you normally spend your holidays with them, and if so, what do you do?

Celebrate Good Times (or not?)

Disclaimer: I don't really hate birthdays, but I do love cats in clothes. Speaking of which, I will gladly accept gifts from anyone who is so inclined to send me one. I would prefer the cat in the above photo, but I will also accept trips to Hawaii if more convenient. Thank you.

So, it's now t-minus 19 days until my 26th birthday. Most other years, I would have had the night planned a month ago - made reservations, sent invites out, developed higher and higher expectations the closer the date came. However, this year is different.

As of now I have made NO plans for the bday. None.

I don't know why but this year I just don't CARE about my bday. It has nothing to do with the number (though it is a little scary that I'll now be in my "late 20's") because that really doesn't bother me. It has nothing to do with not having ideas (I've come up with a few possibilities). Part of me does care, and part of me wants to care more, but I just don't.

You see, having a birthday two weeks before Christmas is not necessarily the most fun. Two weeks before Christmas isn't exactly prime socializing time for people I know - it's always exam time, broke-from-Christmas-shopping time, family get-together time, etc etc. I realize it could be worse (I could have been born on Christmas Day or something - though that certainly has worked out well for Jesus), but it's pretty frustrating when your plans consistently have to be modified or cancelled altogether to accommodate said bad timing.

And it's not just about bad timing - since many of my friends have moved away, or become marrieds, parents, married parents, or on-the-verge-of-married parents they just do not want to go out as much as they used to, if at all. Most prefer a quiet night in to a night out at a restaurant, concert or dancing. Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not knocking quiet nights in - I love these too, and when it comes right down to it the company is more important than the activity. However, it is nice sometimes, especially for a special occasion, such as a birthday, to go out - to get gussied up, drink fancy drinks and eat fancy food, watch people do funny or crazy things, and just let loose.

So, because my preference for celebrating, and the preferences of others, don't necessarily coincide I usually end up compromising "the plan" in order to not (depressingly) spend my birthday alone drinking a box of wine (though come to think of it, that doesn't sound so bad...)

Beyond the above, my friends have also just gotten BUSIER. They have more responsibilities and commitments (as do I) and therefore less spare time. I also hate being the centre of attention and generally get uncomfortable with being "fawned" over, so more often than not I try to plan things around making everyone happy and doing something that everyone will enjoy (which is, of course, impossible) to deflect the attention from me to the group as a whole.

Needless to say, all of these factors combined together serve to only make my birthday plans a huge chore - complicated and tiring. Rather than make me look forward to the day, I just end up dreading it all and worrying that it's not going to work out as I want it to, or ultimately ending up disappointed because it didn't, in fact, work out how I wanted it to.

So, this year I'm taking a break from birthday planning and...well, not planning anything. As I mentioned it's my mom's birthday too so we will spend the day together Dec 11th (we're getting our hair done, going to lunch then shopping as civilized and chic ladies do - or so I've heard), but other than that I will be passing the day with nary a glance or a care.

It's probably most appropriate to celebrate my birthday with my mom anyway, as it were. After all, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have been born and therefore would not even have a birthday. And she didn't just give BIRTH to me, she had a c-section and she CHOSE the date. She CHOSE to have major surgery and languish in a hospital bed on her BIRTHDAY, just so that I could be brought into the world. And there is something pretty cool about that (though kinda crazy at the same time - wtf were you thinking mom, seriously?!).

So I guess it's nice to know that no matter what, no matter how many plans get cancelled, how many friends are too busy or too broke to celebrate with me, that there is at least one person out there with whom I'll be sharing this special day.

And if all else fails, I will just "move" my birthday to July. Everyone wants to come to a pool party, especially one with cake!

How do you normally celebrate your birthday? What are your thoughts about birthday celebrating in general? Overrated?

Oh, I wish that we could stop this d-i-v-o-r-c-e

Ok, I know this is kind of a wierd photo and I debated posting it, but I just had to show - is this cake not disturbing?! I mean, I'm all for finding humour in a crappy situation, but methinks this might be pushing it a tad far? Thoughts?

Ok, I know I've been blabbing on about marriage a lot lately. I swear to god I'm not obsessed with it, it's just an issue that I find interesting, especially in these times. Also, since I'm a child of divorce I have a unique, albeit cynical, perspective on it.

That's right, I come from a broken home. Poor me.

I'm kidding of course. To be honest, knowing what I know now, my parents getting divorced was (take a deep breath) THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. And to my mom. I firmly believe I wouldn't be half as mature, independent, and close to my mom as I am now if my parents stayed together.

That being said, divorce is never something I would wish on anyone because it can be an extremely confusing, conflicting and traumatizing, especially for the children involved. An extremely disruptive life event like a divorce can have lasting effects that people try to alleviate by hopping from couch to couch or bed to bed.

Divorce effing sucks.

Which is why, even though I have a rather cynical, untraditional viewpoint on marriage and part of me is grateful I went through one, it really saddens me whenever I hear of couples divorcing. Especially couples that have kids and that have been together for decades.

It even saddens me when I hear that it's happened to people I've never met, never will meet, and generally speaking, don't give a crap about. For example, recent celeb break-ups that have shocked me include Courtney Cox and David Arquette, Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman, and Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins (though I don't think they were actually married, but they were together for 20-some years, so it's basically the same thing). It sounds dumb that I would be shocked and saddened over some dumb celebs relationships breaking up, but I can't help it!

My initial reaction is honestly one of disappointment because, in the words of (my future husband) Tim Gunn they just seemed to "make it work"! I mean, what happened?! You were together for half your lives! You have kids together! Why, god, why?!

Then my initial disappointment turns (as most things in my mind do once they've percolated through my brain for a bit) to cynicism. I was thinking about it today, in fact, and the first conclusion I came to was something like, "well, celebrities have it soooo easy when it comes to divorce!". I mean, think about it: they have enough money that they can get the paperwork done practically overnight, even if their ex-spouse takes them for everything they have they still have more money than I'll probably make in my lifetime, and the kids would have been messed up anyway with that kind of upbringing so might as well get the dysfunction over with! And I feel a bit bad saying this, but part of me feels like a lot of people get divorced because it's an "easy way out", and they can avoid actually sitting face to face and DEALING with their problems.

This really got a train of thought going, though - are break-ups really easier for celebrities than for regular Joe's like you and me? There is definitely a voice inside that screams out "yes" mainly due to the compelling financial argument (I don't care what anyone says, having a lot of money makes a lot of things easier). And given their hectic, ego-driven lives, it seems likely they would rather get their hair highlighted and go tanning than talk and work through adult issues.

However, (at the risk of going all Dr. Phil-osophical on you) say what you will about celebrities but they are still human (well most of them). They still have feelings, fears, insecurities, and emotional baggage. They can still have their hearts broken. Trust me, I'm normally the LAST person to ever sympathize with a celebrity or defend them, but I can't help but feel sorry for some of them sometimes (obviously excluding those sociopaths that get married and divorced merely for publicity), especially when I picture me dealing with the pain and upheaval of my parents' divorce completely in the public eye.

No, thank you.

The fact is, divorce sucks no matter who you are. Chances are having the money to hire the best lawyer in the country probably wouldn't have helped my mom make my dad pay child support and other money he legally owed her. Chances are it wouldn't have saved her years of in-an-out court battles. Chances are my dad would have still drank his life away even if he was a celebrity, and frankly he probably would have done it faster. Chances are I would still have the "issues" with men that have roots in the absence of a male role model in my life, the only difference being I might have just partied them away until I burned out.

Then again, with a bank account similar to Christina Aguilera's my mom could have hired a hitman to take out the trash then escape to a life of anonymity a remote South Pacific island and been done with it.

That would have been a nice advantage.

*I KNEW there had to be a song about divorce!! And a country song - shocker!! See, there's always a silver lining with me*

The Kids Are (Not) Alright

I was sitting in a coffee shop with my mom yesterday after work enjoying a lovely cappuccino and cookie, reading the paper, trying to relax my stressed mind, overwhelmed with job-interview anxiety among other things.

However it was rather hard to relax given that there were 3 kids in the "toy area" yelling at the top of their lungs to each other and banging the toys around as much as they could. It sounded like they were dismantling a frigin nuclear missile over there given the sounds of destruction that were coming from that corner. After a bit they proceeded to leave the "toy area" and run up and down the stairs and back repeatedly in the loudest and most hyper way possible. I actually had to talk to my mom from the top of my lungs just so she could hear me over the din. She was sitting right across the table.

I couldn't help but think - do those kids REALLY need to be that loud? I understand they are kids and they are playing and letting off steam but is it really necessary to stomp through a public place like a herd of elephants? Could their mother not have asked them to not scream or bang QUITE so loud?

Not to mention, on Monday we went to a lake near my mom's house to relax on the grass in the sun and go for a swim. There was a small group of three or four boys, probably around 10 years old, who were gathering balls of seaweed/sludge from the lake-bottom and throwing them at each others heads and yelling and screaming in the process. Trouble was, they were also hitting others including my mom who was trying to have a relaxing swim. She had to speak to them twice. I say "had" to because the boys' parents (wherever they were) certainly didn't see fit to do so.

I realize they were just goofing off, as young boys will do but it's possible to have fun while also respecting the fact that others are around you and want to enjoy themselves too. And not everyone's idea of enjoying themselves is having kids scream in their ear and being hit in the head with lake sludge (call them crazy).

On the one hand I feel like a huge douche saying these things because I do realize that kids are loud and sometimes obnoxious; they don't have the same concept of personal courtesy that adults do (well, SOME adults). And that's ok! They should be allowed to be kids. And parent's should certainly be allowed to have a break to chat with a friend in the sun or just read the paper over a latte. I'm not a mom so I really have no concept of what it's like to control three energetic children but I know enough to assume that it's not an easy task.

However, on the other hand I feel there is a line between letting kids be kids and letting your kids just completely run wild with no control or accountability. The mom/guardian of the kids at the coffee place was sitting about six feet away from these kids, so it's not like she didn't see or hear their antics (considering their volume I'm pretty sure their antics could be heard in Australia).

I can't tell you how many times I've been shopping (and also working retail, back when) or sitting and having a coffee and have watched children pulling down displays and shelves, verbally and physically throwing themselves at other customers (and their parents), and just generally walking around like they own the place. And I can't tell you how many times I've watched parent's sit there and do NOTHING about it. I've even seen some parents laugh at these crazy antics as if it's somehow endearing.

I hate to sound like not only a douche but a cranky old lady, but it just seems like kids these days have the control over their parents rather than the other way around and I don't get it. It frustrates me on one level because, as a member of Generation Y, I feel like I'm constantly hearing from older folks how ungrateful, lazy and entitled we "young people" are and how much better their attitudes and expectations were when they were our age, when it seems to me that it's actually the Generation BEHIND us that is like this.

Sure, there are people in my generation who do live up to this stereotype, but aren't there in every generation? I suppose too that every generation thinks that one that comes behind them are worse in every way. But I can't help but notice that the children I see around are very different than I ever was - they are demanding and their demands are immediately fulfilled by completely compliant parents who placate their bad attitudes with Happy Meals and Lululemon hoodies (depending on their age), or simply practice systemic ignorance at their behaviour.

I'm only 25 years old so it's not as if I was a kid or teenager EONS ago - I do remember what it's like to think the universe revolves around you and to struggle with a growing body and mind. But I just don't remember me or any of my friends being given whatever we wanted hand over fist. If I wanted something I had to earn it, and if I talked back or acted out I was told where to go and punished for it.

Don't kids have any accountability for their actions anymore? I don't know but the scenes that I'm witnessing out there in public nowadays tell me NO.

Kids will be kids, of course, and for every kid who acts up and has an attitude, there is probably one who is respectful. I know this opinion I'm presenting is a bit extreme and does not consider the millions of factors at play in each individual situation. Plus, I'm almost certain that kids have always been like this from the beginning of time so I really shouldn't judge! But I'm just calling 'em how I see 'em. And the way I see 'em means sometimes I just can't help but wonder what is up with kids these days - and moreover, what is up with parents.

Parenting is a tough job; kids don't come with an instruction manual. But I'm guessing there are more resources and support for parents today than ever before. So parents who don't know how to control their kids: how about picking up a book or browsing a website and picking up some tips about telling your kids NO and letting them know who's BOSS. Despite what your kids may think or tell you, that person is not THEM, it's YOU.