Your Cheatin' Heart

I have been thinking a lot about cheating the last couple of days.

...ok, allow me to rephrase: I have been thinking a lot about why people cheat and what is considered cheating (not actually committing the ACT of cheating).

I watched a show last night where someone cheated on their gf a few months before, then tried (in vain) to make her take them back. I watched another show where two characters were in an "open relationship" and therefore (basically) cheated on each other on a regular basis. I also watched the first part of The Kennedy's miniseries, and one scene really stuck with me, where Joe Kennedy (John F and Bobby's father) is kissing his former mistress before she leaves his home for the night (after working there all day on John F's campaign) and the camera cuts to his wife watching the whole thing. His wife (Rose) then tells the girl it's probably chilly and asks if she needs to borrow a coat, not even acknowledging what she just witnessed.

Seeing these various displays of cheating and its aftermath is what originally got my mind rolling, but of course I think it's safe to say it's a universal issue that affects pretty much everyone at one time or another (and it's, therefore, probably something we all ponder at one time or another).

Now, I (thankfully) have never been cheated on (as far as I know), nor have I ever cheated on a partner so I can't really speak from experience on this one. But what I do know is that I would NEVER cheat on someone. EVER. And I really don't understand why someone would do it to another person.

To me, cheating is the ultimate betrayal and hurtful act in a relationship. And cheating is not only a betrayal - it involves lying and sneaking around behind your partner's back in some way - but it is also a way of saying (without actually using the words), any one or more of the following: You are not enough for me. You don't give me what I need. I am not satisfied being with you. I don't have any respect for you or your feelings. I am self-absorbed.

This may sound harsh, but I just don't understand how you could cheat on someone if you really care about them. If you really care about someone, you care about their happiness and their feelings. I don't see how you could betray someone whose happiness and feelings mean that much to you, so if you cheat on someone it must mean that their happiness and feelings really don't mean as much to you as you (or they) think.

I realize that not all situation are as black and white as that - sometimes you and your partner have problems. Sometimes the person being cheated ON does not treat you the way you should be treated. Sometimes people come into your life or situations happen to you that sweep you off your feet, compromise your judgment, and persuade you to make a bad decision.
However, I firmly believe that this is still not an excuse for cheating. If you are having problems in your relationship, the solution is to sit down with your partner and discuss them like adults. Chances are, if one or both of you are feeling that your needs are not met, talking this out, putting it out in the open can help solve these issues. If your partner is not willing to listen to you, change or discuss anything then that is the time to make your exit (and I mean completely out of the relationship, not to the bed of some other guy/girl).

And, if a situation presents itself to you that encourages you to cheat, it doesn't mean that you have to. We are all capable of self-control and we all (generally) know in our guts when we should not go through with something (when it's wrong), so if you give in to the "temptation" than the only person you have to blame is yourself. There are many people (myself included) who are tempted at one time or another, but have had the sense (and respect for myself and my partner) not to act on it.

Cheating does not make problems disappear or shrink, it only adds more problems that didn't need to be there in the first place. It complicates. Have enough respect for your partner to be honest with them and give them the benefit of the doubt, and have enough respect for yourself to not run to someone else's arms to make yourself feel better or to get "revenge".

In terms of how I would react if cheated on, I can see why some people take cheaters back, but I think I would have a lot of trouble doing this. I have trust issues with men anyway (not going there right now), so if someone cheated on me I think that would kill the little bit of trust I've managed to build into myself. And even if I could take that person back, the act would always be there - like the white elephant in the room, it would be hanging over your relationship like a fog. Forgiving is fairly easy to accomplish, but forgetting? Not so much...

It's a tough situation though, and I acknowledge how complicated most situations are that involve cheating. I suppose there are people out there who would not feel as betrayed and hurt as I would. I'm sure there are people out there who don't see cheating as such a bad thing, and that it depends on the circumstances. And that's fine - to each his own! However, I think it's important that both partners are on the same page - if one partner has an open view on cheating and does not believe in defining it so strictly, then they had better make sure their partner feels the same way. It is not fair for someone who is open about cheating to date someone who is not, just as it is not fair for someone who is NOT open about cheating to expect a partner who IS to stay faithful (don't hold your breath for that to happen).

Anyway, when it comes right down to it, I personally feel that cheating is never justified and I vow to never do it to someone nor date someone who has a history of doing this or an open opinion about it in general. Because, in the end, you're not just cheating on them - you're also cheating yourself, and that's just not 'me'.

Thoughts? What is your stance on cheating? Have you ever been cheated on/cheated on someone? How did it make you feel? Did you stay with that person? What do you consider "cheating"? Discuss!

Now I find it hard to live my own life, pleasing everyone

Something funny happened last night. I say "funny" because it wasn't really a bad thing or a good thing, it was just sort of...thought-provoking. And it made me feel a tad ashamed of myself.

The guy I've been dating was over, and I was trying to decide what to wear to this semi-formal party we're going to Saturday night (with his help). I bought two dressy tops last weekend and was excited about him seeing them, as I thought they were both really cute and looked good on me. However, when I actually tried each of them on (with a black skirt), he was "lukewarm". In fact, he was lukewarm about all of the ensembles I tried on.

I know you're probably thinking, well who cares or what's the big issue with that? But the thing is, not getting his approval on my outfits made me feel very self-conscious and made me look at me IN the outfits in a completely different way. I felt like a contestant on ANTM standing there having Andre tell me I have a strange-looking body or something.

Now before I go any futher, I wish to reiterate that my boyfriend isn't a jerk - he calls me beautiful and compliments me all the time and he's commented on how nice my clothes are before. As he said himself he's just picky about clothes and also he was in a bit of a "mood" because he was tired and had a hard day at work. Besides, he didn't all out INSULT the outfits or the way I looked in them, he just didn't get excited by them, know what I mean?

So why did I take his response so personally if I know it wasn't personal?

I realize it's completely human to care about what others think of you, but I have always been one of those people who care about that more than I should. I have always (and still do) let the opinions of others influence what I do, say and how I dress. Every time I put on an outfit, I worry that I'm going to stand out too much or look "wierd" to the general public. No matter how sure I am of a decision in the moment, I immediately become un-sure when faced with any kind of scrutiny.

I hate that I do this. I hate that I care so much about the opinions of others. I don't want to be that girl. I want to be that girl who is confident in her choices and in who she is and how she looks. I hate that I second-guess myself all the time, that I wonder, 'is there something I'm not seeing?', 'maybe I should have said this, or worn that or...' blah blah blah...

The truth is, it's all about me, not them. If I second-guess one of my decisions after hearing another's opinion, it doesn't show that the other person is mean or that they even see me negatively in any way! What it shows is that I am not sure of the validity and authority of my own decisions, thoughts or abilities. That, deep down, my decisions, abilities and thoughts somehow don't carry any weight (or at least not as much weight as those of others).

I stewed for a bit about my boyfriend's reaction, until the above occured to me - that what happened had nothing to do with what he said or did, but about my feelings re. myself. I obviously have deep down insecurities about how I look and it profoundly affects many areas of my life. Something as small and insignificant as picking out an outfit for a party can cause me the same amount of anxiety and indecisiveness normally reserved for major life decisions.

It's simply ridiculous and I feel ridiculous admitting it but it's the truth. It's one of those things that I don't realize is there, as it's very easy to push down and ignore, but comes out when I least expect it (like the instance I mentioned above). It pops up and says, "Hi, remember me?! Yup, I'm still here...you really should do something about me ya know, but until ya do I'll just go back to my cave in your brain and hibernate".

I realize most of you are thinking that this is totally normal that I'm just whining. Of course there is nothing inherently WRONG with wanting your significant other to comment favourably about you. But when it comes right down to it every single person in the world could validate you - tell you you look beautiful and you are attractive - and it won't make one bit of difference if you don't believe already in your own head. Well, it might make a difference for five minutes, but then you are right back at square one.

I really wish I could just snap my fingers and not care what people think, but I can't. I also can't expect to become one of those people unless I give myself more credit - listen and believe in myself; believe that my opinions matter and that my gut usually has the right answer if I only listen to it (and not let others drown it out). It's just something I need to work on.

And I can start by wearing whatever I damn well want to this party on Saturday and be done with it.

What are you self-conscious about? Are you a people-pleaser?

How do you work on tuning out the opinions of others?

Tainted Love

I just had to write a post about this, as I have so many thoughts and opinions about it I can barely contain them. The reason for my mental overload is the following email that I received from the dating site OKCupid this morning that stated the following:

"We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you'd like to know.
How can we say this with confidence? We've tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver. Your new elite status comes with one important privilege: You will now see more attractive people in your match results.This new status won't affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match's answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results. Suddenly, the world is your oyster. Login now and reap the rewards. And, no, we didn't just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see."

I had read in the newspaper recently about OkCupid's new "rating system", but I never imagined I'd get such a message. At first I was surprised and a little bit flattered that I was considered to be part of the "good looking" tier on a dating website - nice boost to the self-esteem. However, this pride was tempered with discomfort once I considered the rather alarming fact that this website "ranks" people based on their inate attractiveness, and in a way gives them an advantage (or not) in finding a mate. In my opinion, there is something very wrong about that, and by the time I got to the end of the email and read "go ask an ugly friend and see", my pride of inclusion had dwindled down into a feeling of shame and disgust.

For one, what place does a dating site have to rank users and base their experience on how attractive they are? Isn't a dating site supposed to be democratic, open to anyone who wants to upload their information and/or pay the money (if it is a paying site, which OKCupid is NOT) and who has the desire to find a date? Maybe I'm being idealistic here, but essentially isn't it supposed to act as an open forum for people to pursue whomever they choose for whatever purpose they prefer (within reason of course)? There is nothing democratic and open about giving "better looking" people "better" matches and grouping users in different wings as if they are 1st, 2nd and 3rd class passengers on the Titanic. As you can read above, they even describe me as now having "elite status", which is an automatic class distinction right there.

Second of all, who died and made OkCupid the Master of Determing Attractiveness? Attractiveness is a completely subjective thing - one person may think I'm incredibly ugly, while another may think I'm incredibly hot. They say they figure out who fits in this "elite" group by tracking "click-thrus on your photo" and analyzing "other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver", but is this really a good measure of how attractive I am to these other people? I suppose the 2nd one could sort of be analyzed in this way, but I don't see how "click-thrus" on my photo proves that someone finds me attractive. Someone could click thru to my photos and go "blech, no thanks" and move on. How do they know?

Plus, they say that my matches will now be "more attractive" and I'll be shown "more attractive people in match results". But again, who determines that these people are more attractive than other non-elite members? How do they know that I will find these matches more attractive? The fact is, they don't, and I'm willing to bet my matches from now on will look pretty much the same, meaning I'm pretty sure I'll find the same number of them attractive as I would have before my "upgrade".

Besides the subjectivity of attractiveness, I think we can all agree (however corny it sounds) that looks are NOT everything. Sometimes the people that are not considered conventionally "attractive" are the most interesting, smart, accomplished people around and, frankly, some of the more attractive people are vacuous, immature and self-absorbed (I say sometimes, mind, I'm not trying to pigeon-hole anyone).

And don't get me wrong, you of course have to be physically attracted to someone in order to have a relationship with them, but I feel this is something that can develop over time, and it isn't the MOST important thing. I wouldn't even consider myself conventionally "attractive" - sometimes I would just love to be taller, or 40 lbs thinner or not have such chubby cheeks or such a wierd nose - but I also want to be seen as more than my looks, and would like a partner who is more than looks as well.

Online dating is already hard enough between people rejecting you before they even know you, the sites serving as a breeding ground (no pun intended) for people cruising for one-night stands or for anti-social/agoraphobic wierdos, and the ease with which potential dates can "embellish" their profiles and/or avoid commitment to any one person. But now the sites themselves are sitting up on high horses and proclaiming who deserves to have a good mate and who doesn't? And for no real reason other than because they can? Way to make things even harder and more complicated for us weary daters, OkCupid (and I didn't even think that was possible to achieve. Congrats and cue eye roll).

I'm not going to lie to you, I got a twinge of hope when I read that I would now start to be shown "more attractive matches" (let's be honest here, even though looks aren't the most important thing, it's usually the first thing that attracts you to a person, and when you're online you really only have looks to go on to start). But soon all these questions and concerns started to pop up in my mind and this point became moot. I suppose I respect the fact the OkCupid is trying to be innovative, and is looking ways to improve matches for its users (and really when a site is free, you can't necessarily demand the same level of service and decorum that a pay-site like eHarmony does), but I just don't think it's their place to determine who is a match for me and who isn't (um, hello, I'm a big girl and can make my own decisions, thanks).

I think what digusts me most of all about this message, is the statement that "suddenly, the world is your oyster" - implying that finding an "attractive match" and being considered an "attractive match" yourself gives your life meaning and possibility - totally out of nowhere you are someone and you mean something! On the other hand it implies that your "ugly friends" are not entitled to have such meaning and possibility in their lives - they are 3rd class people, and as such only deserve 3rd class treatment and experiences. No one's worth should be based on their physical attractiveness. This root of bigotry in our society is one on which crises such as eating disorders, reality television, suicide, and mental health issues grow.

I've tried every popular dating website out there - Plenty of Fish, LavaLife, eHarmony, OkCupid (of course) - and I've found good and bad experiences with all of them. Overall, I haven't had a terrible experience and have met some nice guys (or "attractive matches" I guess you could call them). But I've also never met anyone who stuck. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing (the be-all, end-all of my life is certainly NOT finding a mate; I have a great life on my own), however it does get very old and demeaning after a while and I'm at the point where I wonder why I'm still doing it.

Segregating people based on criteria over which (for the most part) they have no control, and which really has no bearing in whether they will find a match in any case is appalling. This only serves to perpetuate and nurture qualities of arrogance and insecurity, depending on the person in question. How about perpetuating and nurturing an environment of non-judgment, acceptance, and individual preference? Dating is hard - how about you make it EASIER for us, OkCupid, not harder? That is, after all, your job. You seem to have forgotten that so consider this a friendly reminder to keep in mind next time you want to "improve" our experience.

Making a List, Checking It Twice

I sound like a broken record lately but I've been really busy this week and haven't had time to post. I haven't even had time to keep up with my Blog Roll! I'm so behind in what everyone's doing! lol.

I wanted to discuss something that I'm working on, in conjunction with this blog, that I haven't really explained before.

Those of you that have visited this here blog might have noticed my little list I keep in the right-hand column, entitled "30 B4 30". We've all heard of bucket lists, and this is sort of like that, but I got the original idea from Sandy B and her Birthday List.

I think we all have at least mental lists of things we would like to accomplish "someday", and I think most of us fail to ever accomplish even half of those things - mostly because these lists often STAY in our heads, and that "someday" always stays on our lips. This is certainly an issue I have, but reading up on Sandy's list and her reasoning behind the project reminded me that putting something in writing right in front of your face not only holds you more accountable, but also makes your goals seem more "real" and tangible - they are within closer reach than you realize!

I just started this list about 3 months ago and in that time have not had the pleasure to cross anything off. This has been frustrating - I worry that, since I'm not good at finishing things, I'll never get complete this list in time. Sure, I'm only 25 so I've got almost 5 years to get them all done, but it's also a fact that some of the things on my list are complicated and will take much more planning (and money!) than others.

BUT! I'm happy to say that, as of Sunday, I can now CROSS THE FIRST THING OFF MY LIST!! It's a small thing on the grand scheme, but for me it's a big thing as it's something I've never done before. Which one, you ask?! Behold:

#11 Ask a guy out

Yes, that's right. How sad is that, that I've never done this in my entire life? When you think about it, it seems like such a simple, everyday thing in theory; but in practice it's much more nervewracking than that for most people. And I think for me it's even more nervewracking than it is for the average person.

If you knew me in real life from way back, you would understand why this is on my list. I was always a shy person by nature - don't get me wrong I always had friends, and guys liked me, but in groups and with people I didnt know I was really shy, and the guys that liked me tended to be of the dorky, unpopular variety. I was particularly shy around guys, however. I never grew up with guys around (my dad hasn't been in my life since I was 15 and also thanks to this dysfunctionality, I developed a deep distrust for men in addition to the mere shyness) so I never had guy friends. I was always quiet, got good marks, and didn't have a big rack or long legs so I wasn't exactly a heartbreaker.

Now, I am 120 times more confident than I used to be, and now consider myself a social person. However, that shyness is still there under the surface and it still comes out when I'm in a large group or with people I don't know, depending on the situation. But it's something I'm always working on. Being shy was never something I liked about myself, and STILL don't like, so I'm always trying to work against it.

SO, needless to say asking a guy out is a big step for me in many ways. I won't go into every little detail but he's a friend of a friend that I met at a party said friend threw about a month ago. I thought he was cute and nice at the time but didn't think much about because I was seeing someone then. However, since that time the guy I was seeing has left the picture and I noticed party-guy on Facebook last week, remembered my initial attraction, added him as a friend, and sent him a (dorky) message on there asking him out! Aaaaand the important thing is that we went out last night! And had a good time! Whaddya know.

Ok, so I asked him out through a facebook message and not in person, but it's still a big step for me! I was proud of myself that I took the chance. Even if he had said no, I wouldn't have been completely heartbroken because I'm proud. I'm slowly realizing I need to take more chances in life, not be so afraid of the outcome so I consider this to be a point for me to put towards that high score. Kim: 1, Shyness: 0

Even if things aren't being crossed off right and left, there are usually a few things on my list that I am currently working on, or looking forward to working on in the near future. These currently include: #6, #17, #20 and #25.

I will likely add/delete items over time, as I'm known to be finicky and I may realize a goal I want to accomplish that I wasn't aware of before. Also, some of the things on my list are silly while some are impossible, and many of the things on my list involve travel/trips. But that's the fun thing about dreams - they can be as crazy or as tame as you want, some of the smallest, silliest things can be the most rewarding, and variety is the spice of life! Besides, if I really want to challenge myself with this list, it makes no sense to put all ordinary-ish things on it!

This list isn't something I expect to transform my entire life or anything or something I'm going to revolve this entire blog around, or something I'm going to bawl for days over not accomplishing. It's merely a way to push myself into being more adventurous and go for those things I've always dreamed of going for. What's the fun in talking about doing things when you can actually DO them?

Make your own list! Turn those "somedays" into "todays" and "tomorrows"! Or, heck, maybe even "yesterdays"!

Do you have a similar List? What are the big things on it? What do you think of this phenomenon?

I Say a Little Prayer for You

Wow, I've been slacking with the blogging this week. I have an excuse though - I was in New Brunswick for work all day Wednesday and Thursday and Friday was crazy busy between dropping stuff at work, taking the rental car back, blah blah blah. Went on another "so-so" date last night and wondered why I keep putting myself through meeting guys from these dating websites when none of them ever seem to go anywhere and tell myself to quit it and just sit back and let myself meet someone "organically" except don't really want to when it comes right down to it because then I figure I'll be alone a really long time. Ya know, the usual.

Anyway, time to get back into it! I've had a good weekend so far - had a meeting today about my best friend's bachelorette party, which is 4 weeks from today (man, where the eff does the time go?! Seriously, someone needs to find where it goes, fill up a ginormous truck and bring it back to me!). Not sure if I've mentioned it before but my best friend is getting married on June 5th and I'm her Maid of Honour and as such am responsible for planning the shower and stagette (ok, who uses the term 'stagette' and who says 'bachelorette'? I use both interchangeably but some have looked at me like an alien when I use the former so I don't think it's as common - is that what the British use? Just curious if anyone else says 'stagette').

I'm really excited because I think Nicole and Brad are a great couple, and even though she's young (24 next week) she's mature and level-headed. They have been together for 5 years, and because she was in school full-time out of the city, and he was in the military, they have been long-distance for a huge chunk of that time. I honestly don't know how they deal with being apart for such long periods of time. I could never do it! They are definitely committed and are one of those couples that's going to last (and I'm her best friend, so if I didn't think he was good for her, I would say so! Ya feel me, ladies??).

Nicole and I have been friends since we were 5-6 years old and grew up across the street from each other, so it's so wierd to see her getting married, and becoming a teacher - things we've talked about doing someday for, like, forever! I love her to bits. Though when I say love, I mean in a purely platonic way. But if I were a lesbian I would totally tap that...

What?

Anyhoo......

Seriously though, I can't wait. Though this wedding is rather bittersweet for me, both because she will be moving to Alberta within two days of the wedding so I have no idea when I'll see her again, and also because helping plan a wedding does (on some level) serve to remind you that you AREN'T getting married, and are in fact, ALONE. I mean I'm not one of those that sits at home and cries into her Cheetos about being single and stays at home every night wearing sweats and talking to her cat - I have a very busy, happy and fulfilling life without a man. Plus, in the words of Jamie Foxx, I can "buy my own bottles", thank you very much. But let's be honest here, the only real purpose that weddings serve for single people are to remind them that they are, in fact, single. I'm not looking forward to Nicole's grandmothers/great aunts asking me "how my love life is" and giving my sympathetic looks when I answer something to the affect of "I don't have one at the moment" as if they are looking down at a helpless little puppy shivering in the rain on the sidewalk. You poor thing; don't worry you will find someone someday too. Mm hm, yeah. Because, of course, there's something wrong with me if I don't. It doesn't help that I'm about a year and a half OLDER than Nicole is.

But I'm not bitter.

Seriously though, I can't wait....
I already said that didn't I?

Really though, I can't. It's going to be a great wedding, and I'm really proud to be in her wedding party and to be able to share her special day so close to her. Plus, I know the reception is going to be one rocking, East-Coast, drunken party (with an extra side of drunkenness) and who wouldn't be looking forward to that?! ALSO, since it's my best friend's wedding, I have complete artistic license to pull a Rupert Everett at the rehearsal dinner:



"Someday I knew it would end up like this...like some glittering Rock Hudson, Doris Day extravaganza". Haha, oh Rupert, how I love you. Perhaps he will show up unexpectedly at the reception just to surprise me?! Rupert, are you listening?!

Anyway, plans are mostly in place for the shower and bachelorette, plus I took my dress in for my first fitting today (had to have it taken out at the sides...depressing) so it's really starting to feel real. I can't BELIEVE it's only like 6 weeks away! We've been talking about it for 3 years and it seemed so far off, and now it's like, here! I really wonder where the time goes - I know I said that already too, but it's because I REALLY REALLY wonder it!

In other news, I'm on the job hunt yet again since my contract is up in June. Have a job interview this coming week for a job I really want, so fingers crossed. I also bought some hair dye that I'm going to try out today. Observe:

It's not really the best photo, but you get the idea. It's "medium golden mahogany brown", which is quite the mixture. I had been itching to dye my hair auburn for a while, and finally did in February, but it turned out darker and less red than I was hoping. This one has a bit more red in it, so I'm hoping it will be more what I was going for. Hey, as long as I don't come out looking like barney, I'm cool. I really should be cleaning, but I'm going to do this instead, just because I'm feeling productive.

Going to see Girl With The Dragon Tattoo tonight - hoping it's good! I've heard the story is kinda brutal in spots (including a brutal rape scene?!) but also heard good reviews. My dating habits would suggest that I'm a masochist, so perhaps this will be just my kind of movie!

Happy Weekend, all!

Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop #1: Let He Who Hath No Sin Cast the First Stone

This is my first attempt at Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop! Each Tuesday a list of prompts is posted, you pick one, write about it, then link back to her blog the following Thursday. I thought this would be a great way to practice writing, and get my mind flowing with creative energy and ideas. Plus, reading others' writing will be a great way to hopefully find some inspiration. All in all, I'm hoping this will be a good way to expand my mind and further my writing (including making me more brave). This will be linked to Mama Kat's website with everyone else's tomorrow, per the workshop code, but thought I'd share on here a little early:

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So, this week's chosen prompt is: #4 “let he who hath no sin cast the first stone…” Is there anything you have judged prematurely, only to find yourself walking in the same shoes later?

For the most part, I like to think of myself as a very non-judgemental person. My philosophy is "live and let live", meaning if someone wants to live their life a certain way and it doesn't directly affect me, than I say "who cares?!". However, I wouldn't be human if I were never critical of others' choices and I'd be a liar if I said I've never thought to myself "they are crazy". We all do it and usually unconsciously.

Even though I consider myself non-judgemental, I do admit that I can be extremely cynical. I've been told I'm pessimistic, but I would call myself a realist. I'm practical and independent. I've always done things on my own and in my own way and that's the way I like it.

I'm sorry to say that I've looked at others who aren't this way with condescension; laughed at their foolishness of doing everything according to another person's wants/needs, rather than their own. Of falling head over heels in love after a week or two and blindly deciding to take huge life steps before really thinking about them, or just spending every waking minute with a significant other. I've always dismissed this kind of behaviour as silly, self-conscious and immature. I had a personal vow to never do this myself and was really convinced that I never would. I took solace in the fact that I was a rational person with two feet firmly on the ground.

So, when I decided I thought it would be a great idea to move into my first apartment a little over a year ago, with my boyfriend at the time, whom I'd only been dating approx. 9 months, it's hard to say where this stoic nerve went. What a stupid decision. Neither of us had ever lived in our own place, plus we hadn't been together long enough to really know each other deep down. You could see someone every single day for two years and think you know them, but still not be fully prepared to live with them. I see now that I was desperate for my own place and I used our relationship as a way to get that; a way to afford this lifestyle change. And, as ashamed as I am to admit it, I probably got caught up a little bit in the romance of it all; in being with someone who loved me enough to want to start building a life with me. I didn't see these things at the time, of course, but it became crystal clear after a few months.

Needless to say, we did not live together well.

After I came to the realization that this was an incredibly stupid and rushed decision, I wanted to kick myself. Where had that independent, rational, grounded girl gone?! Out of anyone I knew, I was the last person I would ever think would make such a dumb decision. I felt ashamed and silly. I had become those girls that I scoffed at with disdain; the ones that took chances on love. Psssh, please!

Now that I've had some perspective, I don't regret the decision. The embarrassment still stings a bit, but I wouldn't take it back if I could because I learned so much. I learned what a big step moving in with someone is, I learned I like living alone, I learned that I am tough, that I can make tough decisions and follow through with them even though they suck (along these lines, I also learned that the right decision doesn't necessarily feel good, and the wrong decision sometimes does). In other words, I grew up.

Most of all I'm glad that I took the chance. Always being a grounded, rational person frankly was kind of boring. Sure, it's safe and it may keep you from getting into some dramatically stressful situations, but it will also ensure that you never have any great stories to tell, and what's the fun in that?! How are you going to learn who you are and what you will/won't tolerate if you don't take the leap? You would think this kind of experience would make me gun-shy, and it has in a way - I will certainly think longer and harder before moving in with someone again - but it has also made me more open to chance. Life never turns out how you plan it anyway (NEVER!) so sometimes a chance is all you have. Besides, me and my ex are friends now, so it all turned out for the best.

I still judge my friends when they talk about moving in with their boyfriends or getting married and having babies. I feel scared for them and worry to myself that they are rushing or that they don't really understand what they are getting themselves into. But, underneath that voice of cynicism and judgement there is now a more wise, calm and optimistic one; a voice that wholeheartedly and genuinely says: "good for them".

Old Habits Die Hard

Well, I swore to myself I'd never do it again. After my last experience, I wanted to get as far away as possible from it. But here I am, back at it again.

I have re-joined (word?) Plenty of Fish. Yes, it's true. No, my doctor didn't switch up my meds. I'm really just that crazy and/or masochistic.

The good news is that within a day of re-joining (I like my new word, it's catchy), I got a message from a guy who is cute, seems to have similar interests and personality, and actually seems normal, which let's be honest is saying something for guys on POF. We are going out tomorrow and I'm excited, like a silly eleventh-grader or something. And we're not just going on any date - he's taking me to the gold medal game of the Brier! That's right, a curling game (are they called games? I don't even know); and not just any game, the big one. His treat. Heck, I was just excited that someone put a little thought into the date and didn't a) leave me to do all the work of planning where to go and when, and b) thought of doing something other than going for coffee or lunch or some other perfectly acceptable yet boring first-date activity.

We shall see. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to get prematurely excited about things, and in turn end up disappointed when my higher-than-normal expectations are not met. Anyone who knows me would also know that going to a curling game/match/whatever it's called is not the norm for me as well - nothing against curling, I just don't follow sports or watch them. Ever. Again, not that I don't like them but I'm just sort of indifferent. My mind is preoccupied with deeper things like clothes and food.

I'm still asking myself why I'm doing this online dating thing again because it's just never worked for me. And I'd be lying if I said I thought it was really going to work this time either, but what can I say. I guess if nothing else, I'm a persistent person who doesn't let a few bad experiences get me down. I thought to myself the other day too that even if I go on a date and it turns out bad or doesn't go anywhere, at least I took that step. At least I got out there and met someone and took the leap. At least I didn't stay home alone and lay on the couch with a box of cookies talking to the cat and watching dvd's (I mean I've never done that....ok maybe once or twice). And hey if you have a really bad date that's really awkward, at least you have a funny story to tell!

So, bottom line is, I'm back at it and not sure about it, but also happy about it. Make sense?

In any case, it's impossible to be down when it's sunny and 5+ degrees outside (it's sad and a testament to the shittiness of winter that 5 degrees is considered warm)! Plus, I'm getting ready to go out for a walk in Point Pleasant Park (a Halifax treasure), then coffee at the Wired Monk (another HT) then out for dinner (Turkish restaurant - ooo new!) and dancing with some fun gals! All this combined with my exciting date tomorrow, it's shaping up to be quite an awesome weekend.

Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go kick myself.

Love Stinks (yeah, yeah)

I've been thinking a lot about love and relationships lately. Of course this is mainly thanks to the fact that Valentine's Day is this weekend and therefore I've been inundated everywhere with pink and red and flowers and hearts and candy and sex positions and my boyfriend this and my fiance that for the past two weeks, with the pitch growing ever more feverish the closer that Sunday approaches.

This time of year has always intrigued me, but I can't say I've ever liked it overly much. I realize I'm a cynical single at the moment (I'm the first to admit it) but even when I was attached I didn't like it overly much. Some people are those romantic, head in the clouds, kittens and bubbles, true love seekers and some...well, aren't. I can definitively say that I fall into the latter camp.

Not that I don't believe in love and romance, I just feel that I have a more realistic viewpoint (some would say "pessimistic" but I prefer to use the afore-mentioned euphemism) about life, in that it doesn't turn out like a romantic comedy, oh, 99.99% of the time. In this case, I feel it's silly to put one's expectations or wrap one's entire life-experience into finding and keeping love as it's most likely not going to turn out how you want it to.

Ok, maybe I am a bit of a pessimist. But I don't necessarily see anything wrong with that! And again, it's not that I'm against romance. I DO have a romantic side deep down in there underneath all the Chandler-ese (I'm not dead inside!). In fact, hidden under the cynicism and fierce independence there is a lonely person yearning for affection and companionship (deep, deep down there, mind you). It's the cheesy romance stuff I don't like - I'm more partial to small, personal, thoughtful gestures than fuzzy teddy bears and gushy cards. It's the silly, everyday things that I think are romantic - getting flowers at work, coming home and finding dinner ready for me or the house really clean, him bringing home my favourite snack or movie just because. These are the things that make my heart flutter (so sue me).

I also don't feel that there should be such a focus on these cheesy, over-the-top, manufactured and copied gestures ONCE a year. Couples (and heck, everyone) should focus on doing small things for each other on a regular basis - I feel that this not only more meaningful but it's a really big part of what keeps a relationship going.

I'm not trying to get up on a high horse here, this is just my opinion. I'm sure some of this cynicism towards this holiday comes from the fact that I'm single and don't have a special someone to spend it with. If nothing else, there is a part of me that enjoys seeing the focus on love that this time of year brings, even if I'm not on the receiving end of any romantic gestures. After all, there's nothing wrong with the idea behind it all - that of spreading and proclaiming love in some way, shape or form to the people we care about in our lives (not JUST significant others). We don't have nearly enough love in the world, so it's nice to see. I personally plan on telling my family and friends that I love them this weekend and I think everyone else should too.

This all being said, even though I'm very comfortable and happy with my singleness (for the most part), it would be nice not to have that single-ness shoved in my face everywhere I turn. This shoving is at it's zenith this time of year and it's annoying. I will most likely spend Valentine's Day at home, in my pj's, unshowered, checking housekeeping items off my to-do list, eating take-out and talking to my cat (frankly, I'll be grateful to not be contending with the huge line-ups and shoulder-to-shoulder crowds at restaurants and movie theatres around town). So there, Hallmark. You can take that and shove it.

So, That Explains It!

I'm going to sort of cop-out on my post today and post a blurb from a book I'm reading - but I AM posting because I found it to be very profound and thought-provoking. Definitely gets the brain waves moving, forming various opinions and impressions. It is an interesting treatise on romantic partnerships and a neat metaphor for why we silly singles keep going out there trying to look for love. It strangely makes this whole business sound really silly and useless, while simultaneously validating it, proving that you are not alone in this search and that there's reason behind it. Think about it! Very interested to hear impressions, if any...enjoy!

"Once upon a time, Aristophanes relates (in a scene from Plato's The Symposium), there were gods in the heavens and humans down on earth. But we humans did not look the way we look today. Instead, we each had two heads and four legs and four arms - a perfect melding...of two people joined together, seamlessly united into one being. We came in three different possible gender or sexual variations: male/female meldings, male/male meldings, and female/female meldings, depending on what suited each creature the best. Since we each had the perfect partner sewn into the very fabric of our being, we were all happy. Thus, all of us...moved across the earth much the same way that they planets travel through the heavens - dreamily, orderly, smoothly. We lacked for nothing; we had no unmet needs; we wanted nobody. There was no strife and no chaos. We were whole.

But in our wholeness, we became overly proud. In our pride, we neglected to worship the gods. The mighty Zeus punished us for our neglect by cutting all the double-headed, eight-limbed, perfectly contented humans in half, thereby creating a world of cruelly severed one-headed, two-armed, two-legged miserable creatures. In this moment of mass amputation, Zeus inflicted on mankind that most painful of human conditions; the dull and constant sense that we are not quite whole. For the rest of time, humans would be born sensing that there was some missing part - a lost half...and that this missing part was out there someplace, spinning through the universe in the form of another person. We would also be born believing that if only we searched relentlessly enough, we might someday find that vanished half, that other soul. Through union with the other, we would recomplete our original form, never to experience loneliness again.

This is the singular fantasy of human intimacy; that one plus one will somehow, someday, equal one. But Aristophanes warned that this dream of completion-through-love is impossible...the original cleaved halves of the severed eight-limbed humans were far too scattered for any of us to ever find our missing halves again. Sexual union can make a person feel completed and sated for a while (Aristophanes surmised that Zeus had given humans the gift of orgasm out of pity, specifically so that we could feel temporarily melded again...), but eventually, one way or another, we will all be left alone with ourselves in the end. So the loneliness continues, which causes us to mate with the wrong people over and over again, seeking perfected union. We may even believe at times that we have found our other half but it's more likely that all we've found is somebody else who is searching for his other half - somebody who is equally desperate to believe that he has found that completion in us."
*Taken from "Committed", by Elizabeth Gilbert, page 97-99* http://www.elizabethgilbert.com/committed.htm