Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Temporary One

Well, dear blogsphere, I have been away from you a long time but I have a good excuse - I've been very busy for the past couple of weeks. Even though I was off work last week, I still managed to cram my time with housekeeping, continued job searching, nights/afternoons out with friends, and good old-fashioned relaxing. It was great not to have to rush and be completely sleep-deprived for the first time in five Tattoo's! Can't believe I didn't take vacation in other years - what was I thinking?! It is still continuing until the end of this week, but I'm at least back to normal life in some ways (as "normal" as life can be, right?).

I've also been busy in the mental sense - my brain has been on overdrive thinking about my next steps. I know, I know, nothing new with me. My career and personal life frustrations continue, as I've discussed before on this blog. You see, I've been searching for work now for over four months and have yet to find anything. It is slim pickin's here in Nova Scotia I'm afraid. Luckily, I'm able to stay on at my current job until the end of the month or so, so I'm not quite desperate, but I'm getting there. I'm getting to the point where I'm going to have to go back to the temp agency and see if I can find work through them while I keep looking, but I REALLY don't want to do that.

I'm TIRED of the temp thing. All the jobs I've worked - three work terms during school 2004-2007 and two full-time's since graduation in 2008 - have been contracts of a year TOPS. When you're a starving student or just trying to get some work (ANY work!) under your belt, contracts aren't so bad. I've had some interesting experiences and considering I'm such a "rolling stone" who thrives on change, this switching has kept things fresh and exciting.

However, it also means you're always the new person, that just when you get to know your coworkers and your job you have to leave so it's tough to build relationships, seniority and confidence, and what you end up with is a little bit of experience in a lot of areas rather than any concrete, measurable expertise. It also gives one the sense of constant floatation - a lack of bearings and a lack of knowledge as to your own strengths and accomplishments. This is very frustrating. Now that I have two years of job-searching under my belt, I realize that many companies and organizations are looking for three-five years experience in a particular area rather than four-12 mths experience in four different areas. Not to mention that as a contract employee you're often not eligible for benefits such as healthcare, vacation, bonuses, overtime pay and any other long-term affiliations that other permanent employees enjoy. It's much easier to drag a young, eager contractee through the dirt, as sad as that is to say.

I'm not saying I want to settle into a job and work there the next 20 years of my life, then retire quietly. All I want is to stay in a job MORE THAN ONE YEAR! I want to build up my skills in a particular area, build sustained relationships, and work on climbing the ladder in one place, rather than jumping between rocks trying my best not to fall into the stream, if you will. I want to be able to plan for the future and not have to live paycheck to paycheck forever. I'm only 25 but I'll be 26 in December and I'm not getting any younger. I'd like to do things like buy a house and, oh I dunno, be WORTH something someday (monetarily speaking).

Anyway, the whole point of what I'm saying is not even really about my job worries; it's about what I want for my life in general. My point is that I've come back to a plan I had previously contemplated and later put aside - that of moving to another city. I wrote on this blog back in March about my decision to move to Vancouver (for many reasons), but soon after decided that it wasn't the right time. For one, planning the shower and stagette for my best friend took up most of my time and money for the entire month of May, then before I knew it the gal I was filling in for at work returned from her mat leave and I was faced with finding a job ASAP to ensure I could continue paying those pesky things called bills.

However, I realize now that I also let the opinions of others, and my own fear, bring me down and discourage me from taking that step. Certain people in my life (who will remain nameless), though they were supportive of me making a change, planted worries and guilt in my head that ultimately ate away at my resolve. I've always been someone who cares deeply about gaining the approval of others. I hate that about myself, and I hate that I let this deter me from a potential adventure and positive change.

Of course, there is no question that it's a major decision and one that should not be taken lightly; all details need to be considered, positive and negative. Maybe I won't be happy! Maybe I'll hate it there! But the bottom line is, that's my decision to make. And even if it turns out badly, I'll at least have the satisfaction that I tried; pride in myself for taking that leap. I have an itch that needs scratching; an itch to see other places and spread my wings; an itch that has only gotten stronger in the four-or-so months since I resigned myself to move the first time. Imagine how itchy that need will be in another four months if I don't hurry up and scratch it??

I know a lot of this is really repetitive, as I've talked a lot before about my frustrations re. career and my personal life, my place. But I can't help that it's a huge weight on my mind at this stage of my life. It's one of those things that I thought was maybe just a phase and that might fade as time goes on and I "come to my senses". But I now realize that the reason it's been a weight on me is because I've failed to do anything concrete about it. I've been waiting for answers to come and for other people to tell me what I should do when I'm the one that needs to decide for myself. The time has come to be brave, to follow my gut, get out of my own way, and take that leap of faith; to stop talking and thinking about doing it, and just DO IT.

Anyway, I realize I'm rambling. And who knows if I'll actually make a decision and stick with it considering my track record, but I'm going to do my best not to let fear and doubt get me down. I intend to live up to the title of this blog and keep on rollin' somewhere very soon; or at least that's my hope. Anyone who gets in my way (including me) had better watch out or they'll get flattened! Rolling stone coming through, people (and I don't mean this kind)!

*updates to come (I hope positive ones)*

5 comments:

Allison said...

I've pretty much stopped job searching - something I'm not proud of, but I don't even know what I want anymore, let alone what I'm good at.

Kim Humes said...

I hear you - I'm in the same boat not really knowing what I want to do. I'm learning but still pretty far from the answers. Sometimes you just need to sit back and be patient and answers will come to you. At least you have something to pay the bills in the meantime. If that fails sometimes you need to take a big chance, hence my plan outlined above! Hang in there!

Melissa said...

I feel like I'm reading my own thoughts here -- seriously! I know what you mean about seeking approval from others, and I also know that there definitely comes a point where you just have to follow your heart. I hope your plan comes through!

Melissa said...

I feel like I'm reading my own thoughts here -- seriously! I know what you mean about seeking approval from others, and I also know that there definitely comes a point where you just have to follow your heart. I hope your plan comes through!

Allison said...

I've pretty much stopped job searching - something I'm not proud of, but I don't even know what I want anymore, let alone what I'm good at.

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