Un-Happy Haulidays

Well, alas I did not win the Chronicle Books Home for the Haulidays contest I wrote about here, which means no free books for me or for anyone who commented. WAH!

However, twas not all in vain! Chronicle is offering we bloggers + our readers the following deal:

35% off + free shipping through December 16, 2011

Use this promo code at checkout: HAULIDAYS

Huzzah! So, you can still pick up some books and if not for free, at a reduced cost.

Thanks to everyone who commented! It was fun to search the site and make some picks (and daydream). Until next time...what are you waiting for?! Go read something!

Right Here, Right Now

Currently I am...

...wearing my multi-coloured print, slightly kooky silk skirt (going out for dinner tonight - it's fun to dress up sometimes, isn't it?)
...loving my friends and family (one of my bff's threw me a surprise bday party last weekend! What a sweetheart - makes me feel like an ass complaining about birthdays)
...figuring out what to do for New Years Eve (NO clue what to do/where to go...what are you doing?)
...thinking about all the things I have to get done (ugh - clean, mail cards, send job applications, shop, make a dip for a pot luck next week, wrap gifts, etc)
...reading Half Broke Horses by Jeannette Walls (loved her first book, The Glass Castle, so had to see what this one was all about)
...craving movie theatre popcorn with lots of butter and dill pickle seasoning (*drool*)
...listening to Christmas music (DUH!), namely Glee and various on Grooveshark. This is one of my new favs.
...discovering my love for making art again (I painted a lovely bday gift for my mom that I hope she likes!)
...watching Dexter (this season's almost over, wah!), Grey's (I'm behind!), hopefully Christmas movies soon (Muppet Christmas Carol and Christmas Vacation are two personal favs)
...playing with my hair. A LOT (it's bugging me, but getting it done on Saturday and can't wait - need a trim and gonna dye it a wicked red colour - tee hee)
...learning to never give up because you never know when things are going to get better

I should note that this post idea was stolen from Hope Dies Last and I cannot take creative credit (though I'd like to).

What are YOU doing right now?

We Are Family

I've been thinking a lot about family lately. Obviously, it's only natural to do so around the holidays. It probably also has something to do with the grandmothers of both of my childhood best friends passing away within the last month, talking to my brother on the phone from New Zealand the other day (he's in NZ, not me, though I do wish it were reversed), spending more time with my sister lately, and my mother experiencing some health issues.

All of these occurances have brought home to me just how important family is and how most of us don't appreciate it enough, at least not until they are gone.

My family is very small - my mom is an only child and I don't have any contact with my dad's side, so (aside from a few cousins) it's pretty much myself, my sister, my two brothers, my mom and my grandmother (who will be 94 next year, I might add). When I was younger, I always used to envy my friends' huge families with their multiple generations and loud, boisterous family gatherings. But as I have gotten older (and arguably wiser) I have learned that sometimes quality is better than quantity. I have learned to appreciate my tiny family and be grateful for it. My family may be small, but the family I do have is close, and we all support each other (which, I think, is something many of us also forget to do when it comes to our families too).

My mom is my hero - she has survived two abusive marriages, raised 4 kids basically on her own (one with special needs) *no, I mean my sister, not me, smart ass...though I AM rather special* and has faced countless setbacks in her life without backing down or losing her sense of humour. Without a doubt, I am the mature, independent woman I am today thanks in large part to her influence. Don't get me wrong, she annoys me to no end sometimes and I'm sure I've pissed her off a couple of times (though usually it's her that starts it, let's be honest here) but it's mostly because we're so much alike (ugh, scary but true).

My sister is 5 years older than me, but since she has Down's Syndrome, I've always sort of been employed in the "older sister" role. She can be difficult and frustrating sometimes, but she can also be very sweet and funny. We have always bickered, just as any sisters normally do, but when it comes right down to it I love her very much. Let's put it this way: if anyone hurts her, they will have my fists to answer to (and if those fail me, I always have my rapier whit to fall back on - just ask a couple of boys from my elementary school, as they have experienced this wrath first-hand).

There is a large age gap between my two brothers and I (15-20 years) and I didn't actually grow up living with them beyond age two, but I still feel that I can count on them for whatever I need. They are far away (one is in Vancouver, one in New Zealand) but never far from my thoughts. I love that we can pick up the phone and chat just like months haven't gone by and that I'm so similar to both in many ways, even though we have barely spent an extended period of time together since I was a baby (certainly a strong argument for nature vs. nurture). Besides, I have a free B&B if I ever visit BC or NZ - huzzah!

I'd be lying if I said my grandmother was my favourite person growing up - long story short, lets just say we haven't always gotten along for many reasons and I have always had trouble understanding and sympathizing with her. Honestly, I still find her difficult to be around at times, but she has "mellowed" SO much with age it's still kind of dumb-founding. I've learned a lot about her and as such understand her more now than I ever have. I've realized that sometimes people shouldn't be judged so harshly because you have no idea what they have been through in life that has made them that way. Plus, I'm fascinated by her in a way - she looks probably 15 years younger than she actually is, still runs all her own errands and keeps her own house, AND still has all of her faculties. If she is any indication, I'm going to be one hot old lady!

Bottom line is, there are good and bad things about all my family members, just as there are good and bad things about me (though I can't really think of any bad right now). Sure, our family gatherings aren't loud and quirky and hilariously dysfunctional, but they are still fun. I never have to deal with people bugging me how my love life is, when I'm going to get married, what the heck is up with my hair/outfit/job, how I'm getting fat, and in addition they are not embarassing in the least (though they certainly can be if they really try).

I love that we are not traditional (single mom, disabled sister, gay brother married to a man from India...I'm pretty much the only normal one), and in my mind no family is "traditional". Every single one is different, and what makes every single one a "family" is different too. I hate that non-traditional families are still not fully accepted in our society, even though no one can really define what "traditional" is. Who cares what your family looks like or who is included in it, as long as you love and support each other and are contributing positively to each others' lives? *um, denouncers of gay marriage, are you listening?!*

When it comes to family, blood has something to do with it, but in my opinion it has more to do with the heart.

What is your family like? What do you like best/least about your family? Do you normally spend your holidays with them, and if so, what do you do?

fear.less

I had to post this story, as it really spoke to me (and I also felt it related to my discussion of fear in my post yesterday).

I subscribe to regular emails from an online magazine called fear.less, and this is my email from today:

We're anxious, fearful, insecure people. These parts have a lot of pull over us and even when we fight against our own wretchedness and try to improve, we still lose. We begin to believe that no matter how much we do, we just can't change. Hopelessness is created and sustained by self-bullying.

What if instead of exhausting ourselves with doubt, we listened to the parts of us that encourage?

You know the ones. We forget them because it takes quiet and safety for them to come out, and bullying ourselves doesn't make us feel safe.

But these parts do (very much) exist. And when they are heard and heeded, they're powerful.

They give you energy rather than you spending it. You feel nourished, not judged.

Sustained, not drained. They show you that you're all right, maybe even good. You're comfortable, at ease, able to pause instead of quickly react. They show you that you may even be mostly kind and honest.

You may have felt these parts when you've:
-supported a friend even if he's disagreed with you
-expressed patience with a challenging colleague at work or school
-allowed yourself to smile at someone despite your angry, defensive mood
-laughed so hard at a joke that you remembered it all day and it made you laugh every time
-asked someone else how they were feeling even though you felt extremely sad
-paused and noticed if you were about to create unnecessary personal drama
-had a good idea for a project that you didn't care if others approved of
-written something - a line, an article, a blog post, a note to a friend that made you smile
-held back and given guidance only when your child asked for it
-pushed yourself to learn something small you didn't think you could learn
-felt the sincere kindness of a stranger that made you feel super grateful
-went to a meeting even though you felt nervous to contribute
-walked outside in the cold in a big puffy coat alone or with your dog and felt cozy
-completed a task that weighed heavy on your mind for weeks prior
-remembered a memory of someone you once loved who taught you something about yourself
-done the dishes or made dinner even though you really didn't want to
-stayed calm for even a minute during an intense situation or conversation
-felt lonesome and sad and instead of drinking beer, you ate carrots
-shared your second idea even though everyone hated your first one

Sometimes you really make an effort and things work out great. Other times things turn out only okay. That's just fine. Even though you may feel like a hopeless, sleepwalking, nervous fool, these parts show you otherwise. They have proof.

"You're more than just your hungry, habitual parts. Remember that one time you did that one thing?You were super strong then, so we know what you're made of."

These parts show you the fresh reserves of strength, tact, creativity, and gratitude hidden behind your fear.

Before we go deaf listening to the noise, let's realize the power in listening beyond it to the parts of ourselves that matter.
This weekend, take some time to pause and listen to your special, good parts since they're there. If you don't listen, who will?

(fearlessstories.com)

The thing about fear is that it doesn't discriminate - every single person in every single country, every colour, race, gender, age and sexual orientation - EVERYONE experiences it. There's nothing WRONG with being afraid. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you human.

And most of us experience it more than we let on and let it get in the way of us doing many amazing things, and that's too bad. I think if we were all more open about our fears and insecurities that the world (ironically) would be a much less scary place. Next time I feel scared, I'll take solace in the fact that I'm not the only one.

It's No Surprise to Me, I'm My Own Worst Enemy

I've been thinking a lot lately about fear and what holds me back. This year has been a real struggle for me on a personal level - I've learned a lot but I've also felt the most lost and overwhelmed that I've ever felt in my life. When I was younger, I always felt like I had some sort of direction and trajectory in life and I always seemed to know what path would be a good one for me to take. However, I feel that sometime in the past 6 months or so, the rug got pulled out from under me and I was left on my back, gasping for air and disoriented. I dropped my compass somewhere along the way and have been desperately digging through the brush to try and find it with no luck (got stabbed by a lot of thorns though).

And the thing is, though the main precursor to this personal struggle is career, this loss of direction is not really rooted in any particular event or experience. No one "did" anything to me and no major tragedy occured in my life per se. No one SNATCHED the compass from my hand and threw it out of my reach. I dropped it. I lost it (albeit unintentionally).

And somehow, somewhere I let the disorientation and feelings of failure take over and hold me back from going as far as I can go.

I've never been a confident person - in fact, I've always struggled with shyness and self-consciousness and I've always been a slave to my fears that I wouldn't be good enough or that I don't have enough to offer. I've never been what I would call a "fighter". I've always tried and pushed myself, but most of the time only so far. It's not often that I've pushed farther than is comfortable or farther than others around me who I perceived as more this and better at that than me.

I have come a long way in the self-respect department in the past few years, and as such my confidence has certainly improved, but I'm still not as brave as I'd like to be.

Luckily I always had opportunities come my way and enough people to believe in me that it always seemed I'd be going places. This is no longer the case. This year I either found myself with no one to believe in me and give me a chance or people to believe in me a LITTLE bit but not as much as they do in someone else. All of a sudden I was (and am) in the position of having to believe in myself that much more in order to fight to make others believe in me.

And I realized I don't necessarily have that in me. Or if I do, it's buried too far down for me to see and grasp clearly. I started out fighting but as the rejections piled up and rewards for my efforts seemed further and further afield I didn't want to fight anymore. I curled up into a ball, pulled the blankets over my head and decided if I wasn't going to get anywhere than why bother trying?!

So, now here I sit.

This isn't a sob story; this isn't meant to be a treatise entitled "oh poor me" to incite pity. This is meant to illustrate what my mind-set was up until about a week ago. You see, sometime in the past week between reflecting and talking to people and reading and researching, I realized that for at least a couple of months I have settled into a passive state. Subconsciously, I became so fed up with trying and not getting anywhere and thinking and coming up with no logical conclusions (at least not ones that lasted) that I decided to give up. I said "screw it" to life and have been settling for less than I deserve and want.

Well that stops RIGHT NOW.

The real issue is (and one that has affected me my entire life) that I'm my own worst enemy. No one holds me back from going as far as I can go except ME. Sure, opinions and words of others can affect my self-confidence, but for the most part it's my OWN opinions and thoughts that affect me the most. I am the one that lets the feelings of doubt and drowning take over and I am the one that expects the most from me.

And I guess that's what it all comes down to, isn't it? Expectations. I (and I think probably lots of others too) place ones on myself that are very very high; higher than anyone else will ever place them. So, I guess I'm feeling so lost and frustrated, not because I disappointed other people and didn't live up to their standards, but because I disappointed myself. I'm disappointed that I gave up and that I let a few roadblocks stump me and prevent me from moving forward. I may not be the bravest or most confident, but I still pride myself on being a tough, perserverant, mature, level-headed person so I'm not happy that I fell through on these character strengths.

So what if I got a little lost? So what if no one sees what I can offer and won't give me a chance to prove what I can do? I can prove my worth to myself by just DECIDING on a plan, forging a new path and striding along it confidently. At least I'll be doing something - I won't be sitting back anymore and letting life happen to me and strike me down. I'll be moving forward, which is something I've always been good at.

I still feel lost and overwhelmed, and being brave is something I still need a lot of practice in but I feel a lot less lost and overwhelmed having come to these realizations, and having come up with a short-term plan. I feel I have grabbed back a bit more control (and really this is appropriate because aren't WE the ones that have the most control in our lives?!). Each time I am brave and conquer my fear I feel less afraid.

I am slowly finding bearings again - they weren't the same bearings I had before (seems as though I found someone else's compass in the dirt) but at least they are bearings. I have a new direction, and one that I chose myself, FOR myself.

Now that I'm out of my own way, the path is clear (or at least a hell of a lot clearer than it was!)

What is holding you back from moving forward? Are you YOUR own worst enemy? How do you move forward when you're feeling "stuck" and lost?