Munchies, Music & Mental Health

I am not one of those people who buy birthday gifts super-early. You know the ones - they shop throughout the year and whenever they see something that is perfect for a friend or family member, they buy it and stow it away for 6 months until the actual occasion.  Nuh-uh. I clue in a couple of weeks before and look for something then.

I made an exception recently, however, because I did happen to stumble upon that perfect thing that I knew a friend of mine would love. Although I bought it for my friend, once I got it home and flipped through it, I fell in love with it for ME too, and went back and bought one for myself later.

This item is the cookbook pictured above - it's titled "Musicians, Memories & Morsels" and it was compiled by Halifax musician and music executive, Lana Grant. Not only does the book have super-cute retro graphics, yummy recipes contributed by some of the most well-known and loved Maritime musicians, but it is also a fundraiser for mental health charities.

Mental health is an issue that is close to the hearts of most, me included. I don't like to talk about it, but I struggled with depression in high school and actually attempted suicide. I still struggle with anxiety issues and people close to me also suffer from similar disorders as well as more serious ones, such as schizophrenia. I know what it's like to want help but not know how to ask for it. I know what it's like to feel alone and isolated, or like there is something "wrong" with you.

I feel like there is more and more dialogue around these issues every year and people are becoming more open to talking about it, but in general these issues do not get the attention they deserve. Many, like me, are reluctant to discuss their issues or reach out for help and even if they wish to reach out, they are unsure where to go. Overall, mental health is still considered an awkward, dark and "touchy" issue.

But this book is the opposite of that -  it is colorful, fun and creative. I like that. I applaud Lana's niece for sharing her story about living with bi-polar disorder, and I applaud Lana for putting together this book to honor that and to raise much-needed awareness and funds in a bright and open way.

I just love the names of the sections - so creative!

I haven't cooked anything from the book yet, but I hope to very soon. I can't wait! I also can't wait for my friend to open hers - I just KNOW she will love it, too!

Even if you don't care about supporting local charities, I would encourage you to run out and pick up this book as well (it's available at Chapters!!). Even if you don't care about supporting local music, you will at least appreciate the book for it's easy and tasty recipes! And, heck, even if you don't care about tasty food, it will give you something pretty to look at, and who can argue with that.

But I know none of you are so low that you don't care about helping people in your community - that's one of the great things about Halifax - people here care about each other. This book is proof of that.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Checkin' In

Man, I can't believe we're coming up on mid-June already! It's not even (officially) summer yet and I already feel like it's disappearing so quickly!

There are so many things my boyfriend and I want to do this summer, too, we got to the point where we had to start putting things in a calendar because we realized, if we didn't plan things ahead enough, we were going to wake up in September with nothing to show for it!

It seems kind of sad and slightly ocd to schedule activities for each weekend as though we are running a summer camp, but that's how it goes!

Some of our plans include: Road trip to the US (probably Maine or New Hampshire, since those are close - someone suggested visiting Mount Washington area so that's a possibility), camping a couple of times, U2 + Arcade Fire concert (!!!) in Moncton on July 30th, road trip to Cape Breton to drive the Cabot Trail and participate in a geocaching event, 2 weddings + a bridal shower, various festivals (Halifax Greek Fest is this weekend - can't wait! Also, looking forward to the Halifax Jazz Fest, Canada Day festivities, etc), at least one bbq and one beach bonfire, visit to McNab's Island, hike at Cape Split/Blomidon, possibly visiting Treego in Moncton to try out the ziplines, etc etc...

Do you see why we need the calendar now? What can I say, we're not lazy!

What other plans do I have in mind? Well, funny you should ask because I have many other things running through my mind for the near future (don't I always), in no particular order:

* Going to see Kung Fu Panda 2 tonight! The first one was hilarious, so looking forward to it

* I just finished reading Home by Bill Bryson (my favourite writer!) and have just started Beyond Belfast by Will Ferguson. So far, I am loving it and I am only a few pages in! btw if anyone wants to buy me a Kindle, please feel free!

* Drafting a freelance writing plan - this is something that I have procrastinated on for too long and it's time to get my butt in gear. I want to start pitching articles to publications and picking up various jobs here and there on the side. Project for the summer! I am working on setting up an interview with someone in the next week so that I can complete a profile on them for a local magazine I recently came on board with - this is a great start, but I want to do more here

* I am having a one-hour massage on Friday evening - my boyfriend got me a TeamBuy gift certificate for Christmas and I still haven't used it!! (did I mention I put things off?) Looking forward to this too because my muscles have been very sore this week and I hold a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders so those areas need to be loosened up BIG TIME

* Continuing to apply for jobs as they come up (see neck/shoulder tension pain above) - hopefully I will either hear from my old boss in the next month or so about the  job she recommended me for, or that something will move forward in terms of making my current position more permanent. Getting tired of waiting (and not being able to go to the dentist)!

* This weekend I am participating in the Weight Watchers 5k Walk-It event in Halifax (Sunday). I am looking forward to getting out, maybe meeting some other local WW ladies, and getting some exercise in the fresh air. I walk and hike every week, but there is something about the energy of a communal walk that is exciting *

* Speaking of fitness, I am hoping to sign up for either a weekly yoga or Zumba class. These are both activities I really enjoy, however I am on a tight budget so I have to search around for what I feel is the best deal, and for what is in the most convenient location since I don't have a car. I walk every day and hike on weekends (see below) but it's not enough to keep fit so I want to add something more to my routine. Also, part of what I want to work on in the near future is branching out my friends circle, and I am hoping that taking a fitness class will help me meet some people. A girl I work with takes a weekly yoga class, so I am looking into possibly joining that because it would be nice to go with her and get to know her better (which would strengthen both my personal AND work social ties)

* Continuing with weekly hikes with the boy on weekends, and cooking a new recipe every week are two things I want to keep focusing on - we are slowly making our way through some great trails in Halifax, and in other places we visit. I have come to really enjoy it - I just love the fresh air, seeing nature up close, and the physical challenge. In terms of cooking, I find I am also liking that more and more. I made a pretty awesome lasagna on Sunday that I'm quite proud of and will cover my suppers the entire week. This goes hand-in-hand with the fitness goals, and with my overall attempt at keeping up a healthier lifestyle and continuing to lose weight (it's a process, as I have said before).

So, what about YOU? 

What have you been up to lately? 

Do you have any plans or goals for the near future that you want to work on? 

What are your summer plans/hopes? 

Can you relate to any of the things that I write about above, or are you involved in any of these things too? 

I'd love to hear what's going on with YOU!

*My Weight Watchers membership runs out the end of this month, and honestly I don't think I am going to renew. I have nothing against it, and I have really enjoyed the program - it has definitely helped me develop better eating habits and I love the community that the online program cultivates. That being said, I am at the point where I am really tired of recording everything I eat and I don't feel that I need to anymore (at least for now). Also, I felt that (for me and my lifestyle) there were some limitations to the online system that I found frustrating - mainly the lack of variety in the food catalogue. There were a lot of foods that I could not find, and either had to go through a lot of work to find the nutritional info elsewhere, or estimate based on something similar with no way of knowing how accurate the points calculation was. Also, now that I have developed more positive eating habits, I want to turn my focus more to fitness for a little bit.  I have heard rave reviews about My Fitness Pal, and it's FREE (again, I am on a tight budget) so I think I am going to give that a try. NOTHING against WW whatsoever, and I would actually strongly recommend it for anyone who is trying to live a healthier lifestyle and lose some weight because it's really helpful, but I'm just ready to try something else.

Auld Lang Syne

Ok, so this post is rather "late" compared to most of the blogosphere. But what do you want from me, my brain got into major "vacation mode" and I was not into doing much other than eating, sleeping and watching movies. Actually my brain is still in that mode, but unfortunately I was forced to come back to work today against my will. Anyhoo, I must say it was rather nice not to follow any blogs or any such thing for 10 days. It's good to "unplug" and give your brain a break once in a while...

But back to reality! New Year - New You. That is the current refrain on everyone's lips right now.

To be honest, I have mixed feelings about New Years resolutions - I think it's great to set goals for yourself and this is as good a time as any to do so, however I think many people put unnecessary pressure on themselves to meet very high, unrealistic expectations (trust me, I know; I have a lot of practice in this area). I think a lot of it is setting yourself up for failure, and what's the point in that? Also I think it's important to be constantly thinking about what you want to achieve and reevaluating that based on circumstances rather than painting yourself into a corner once a year because you feel like you should (but don't really want to).

It's possible to take stock and set goals for yourself without going overboard. It's important to be realistic about your personality and lifestyle, and what you can reasonably accomplish within those parameters. It's also important to place importance on small victories and not just huge, sweeping changes; you don't have to completely turn your life and who you are around in order to grow and challenge yourself.

Before the holidays when I was in a "gung-ho" mood, I made a huge list of resolutions I wanted to follow in the new year, complete with sub-goals and headings (dork alert!). But something shifted over the holidays so that when I looked at the list again a few days ago (keeping in mind that copious amounts of chocolate, gin and laying around could have something to do with my new apathetic attitude) I balked at the ambition of it. Again, nothing wrong with ambition, but there comes a point when ambition becomes crazy and goals become completely overwhelming and therefore, unachieveable.

I decided 'screw that' and decided to severely edit my list of goals.

Don't get me wrong, I still want to meet all of the goals on my original list at some point and they have not all been completely taken off the table. I just felt there were particular goals that were more immediately important than others. I can always revisit the others at another time, but I think it would foolish to put them all over my head right NOW. I am opting to "generalize" the list, both to leave wiggle-room and to not make my brain explode with pressure. I think this is more fair to me, and as a result I feel I'll be more likely to actually ACHIEVE these goals (and at a gradual pace, not overnight). I mean, that's the whole point of them, isn't it?

Some of these goals are ongoing and are things I'd like to work on over several years not just one, but I at least want to get the ball rolling on them. I have specific tactics in mind for some of these goals, but for many I'm leaving the specifics open; I have various ideas about how to achieve/work on them, but have yet to decide for sure which are best. Just as I am a work-in-progress, it is only fair to look at my goal-meeting as such.

In this spirit, I hereby present my (general) list of goals for 2011:

1. To relax - Generally speaking, I'm a worry-wart. I mull things over and over, look way too far ahead, obsess about silly details like what the people around me are thinking about me, what is going to happen with this or that, etc. I carry a lot of tension in my neck, jaw and shoulders and tie my stomach into indigestive knots. I can be a very anxious person and can actually make myself so nervous that my chest tightens, heart beats fast, breathing becomes laboured and my head hurts. Furthermore, I'm very impatient and can sometimes have a short fuse (e.g. I snap at my sister more than I should) so I need to work on stopping and checking myself before reacting.

The thing with my anxiety is, it's ALL in my head. It's how I REACT to the things around me rather than what is actually happening around me that causes this. And most of the time it's completely unwarranted. I want to learn to take things as they come, only worry about things when they happen (not before or after), be more spontaneous, laugh more, and think more positively.

Tactics to start: Contemplating giving meditation a try (someone turned me onto a 6 week workshop online that could be easy/good intro). Other than this, no specific tactics aside from practicing more positive/relaxed thinking. This is obviously something that will be tough to change but a mind-set IS something you can control if you really try and are patient, so those are two things I plan on doing (trying/being patient). This is an ongoing goal.

2. To lose weight - I know, I know EVERYONE wants to do this at the beginning of a new year, but this is an issue I've struggled with for a few years now. It's nothing new; I attempted to kick myself in the butt last year but only lost about 5lbs and completely fell off the wagon after about a month. This, of course, is the constant dance for overweight people - one step forward, two steps back. All you can do is pick yourself up, run after that wagon and get back on as many times as it takes. I'm certainly not excited about this goal and who really knows if I will stick with it this time either, but I have to try and a new year seems as good a time as any to start. Besides, I have a couple of things in my favour: One, I'm actually a fairly healthy person - I don't have any chronic health problems, food allergies or medications that add fuel to the fire. Two, I have a small frame, which means I can lose less weight and make a bigger difference to my physique (compared to taller, larger framed people). I don't need to make a HUGE life change in order to look and feel better - I just need to make some small daily changes, and stick with them beyond a few weeks.

Tactics to start: I would like to focus on losing 10 lbs to start, as I feel this will make a huge difference in how I look and feel and meeting this goal will motivate me to go further (though I should note it's not so much about the number on the scale as how I feel and how my clothes fit). To start, I'm simply going to limit my sugar and carb intake (I eat A LOT of this kind of stuff), focus on eating more veggies and protein, and get more regular exercise (I currently walk to work, but I also need to build muscle by working with weights a few times a week and doing more consistent activity (e.g. I sit all day at work so need to make more effort to get up and move outside work hours). I would like to get back into yoga (once p. week) if I can find an inexpensive, convenient class or some other workout class (I took Zumba a couple of times in the Fall and it was really fun). Until a get a new job (see 3rd goal below), I will be limited to exercise options that are either free or close to free, but I can always take walks or hikes, and watch workout dvd's or videos online. One thing I know I need is variety and flexibilty so I will most likely change up my workout routine each week/month depending on my schedule and options. Other tactics include: family friends are doing a weight loss challenge I am thinking of participating in. I would also like to become better at cooking and this will relate because I will be (ideally) eating more home-cooked meals. Other small daily gestures such as taking the stairs, drinking lots of water, and not buying junk when I get groceries will also help keep healthy eating habits going. This is an ongoing goal.

3. To make strides in my professional life - 2010 was an extremely frustrating and demeaning year in this area. Long story short is I have been struggling to find a job since last March with no luck and with constant refrains of "you don't have enough experience". Basically, my career is non-existent. The last half of 2010 I did a lot of reflecting, thinking, researching, talking to people, etc, to attempt to figure out what I want from this part of my life in the long-term, while conducting a job search in the background. So, technically this is a goal that has already been put into motion and I simply want to continue building on it in 2011. I have two job possibilities that I'm currently waiting on, so a lot depends on what happens with those. In any case this is something I really hope to make progress on in 2011 because having a good career is really important to me and I feel I've paid my dues.

Tactics to start: First order of business is to find a new full-time job (my current temp position does not pay enough - I'm struggling financially - not to mention it's completely devoid of challenge, creativity or flexibility, which are all things I need in a career). Once this happens, I will go from there, but I know one of the first things I will want to do is improve my financial stability (buy an RRSP, pay off debt, develop a strict budget, start putting money into savings). In addition, I haven't taken the possibility of further education off the table. I have a couple of options in mind (I wrote about my explorations in this area here and the advice really helped me come to some realizations), but am leaning towards a program I can complete part-time and through self-study so that I will be able to continue working full-time during completion. I would simply like to expand my skill-set and have a service I can begin offering on the side to make extra money and keep my career options open. This is an ongoing goal that will continue to morph based on developments over the next couple of months.

I have many other goals, both large and small, that I would love to achieve this year (paint and draw  more regularly, work harder at cultivating new friendships, build the blog), but I figured these three were enough to focus on, at least for now. Again, it's all about being realistic and not putting too much pressure on myself. Also, I know that if I improve in these three areas that the empowerment, increased self-esteem and improved physical/mental well-being I will (hopefully) experience will reverberate throughout all areas of my life and therefore make achieving some of the other smaller, more specific goals easier.

*EEK! Sorry for the long-windedness! Perhaps that's something I should work on in 2011 too...*

Here's to challenging yourself and always striving to grow and live fully!

What are your goals for 2011? Do you make new years resolutions?

(Don't) Stop Til You Get Enough

I'm not a party animal. I'm also not a homebody. I'm somewhere in between (a tyan? a mebo?).

I like to have balance in my life, and that means making time for relaxing as well as working, watching tv as well as cleaning the house, hanging out with friends and spending time alone. I go a little nuts if I have too much of either side, i.e. too much time at home or by myself, or too much time out with other people. I need to temper each side with a little of the other to stay sane.

There are times when I wish I were a party animal, or that I was one of those people that can go and go and go and never (seemingly) take a break. I see people like that and I think "how the bleep do they do that?!"

But when it comes right down to it, balance is something I feel everyone needs. Maybe not as much as I do but in some measure. The fact is, those people that seem to be "doing it all" with so much ease will burn out eventually. It may not happen right away and they might not see it coming, but it will happen.

I've been in that place, feeling burned out, and it's not fun. It's also not healthy and makes you feel and look like crap, not to mention affects your performance and threatens the quality of time and effort you give to all those activities you are (ironically) racing around trying to get done. I also have friends that do this and they are some of the most unreliable, hard-to-get-a-hold of people I've ever met (although I love them). What good is it checking off all those things on your "to-do" list if you only talk to or see your friends (or have fun) once in a while, read: when all your to-do's are completed.

On the other hand, I know people who are "all play and no work", that never seem to do anything productive with their time (except drink and maybe stalk people on facebook...oh and eat all their parent's food) and I don't agree with this either. You know you can never rely on them for anything, except maybe relying on you for something.

I sympathize with both sides, but never want to be too much of either. Hence the need for balance.

This all being said, I would categorize myself as a "busy" person who likes to have her hands in many pots, To be honest I'm always doing something even when I'm doing nothing, if that makes any sense, and I get bored very very easily especially if I'm stuck inside or away from people for an extended period of time with nothing to read, watch, or listen to. However I've gotten a lot better at saying "no" to things I know I won't have time to contribute to. Nothing is worse than committing to something and then not being able to follow through, you almost always let someone down and feel shitty about yourself.

I also recognize that not only am I full of contradictions, I'm not perfect (I know, I was as shocked as you). I get lazy and procrastinate as much as the next person and I'm the WORST at starting things! It sometimes can take me forever to get to things that are not immediate priorities. I just try my best and recognize when I need to get things done and when I need down time.

Putting this into practice, I literally try to plan down time and "do stuff" time into my week - if I know I'm going to be out Tues and Wed night, I make sure I keep Thurs night as a "night in". Even if I haven't scheduled a relaxing evening or day, I pay attention to how I feel and if I get a portion of my tasks done and I'm feeling tired, I take a break. Even if it just means sitting and reading a magazine for 20 minutes, or grabbing a glass of water, it's still helpful to inject that little bit of tranquilizer into the moment and sloooow things down.

Obviously, there are some tasks and responsibilities that can't wait; they need to be done when they NEED to be done, not when I feel like it. Also, don't think I'm some kind of neurotic, OCD nutjob that schedules every minute of every day of her life (my condition is getting a lot better thanks to my new meds *I kid, I kid!*). However, it's important to realize that some things CAN wait, and you're not some kind of failure if you don't check every item off your list all at once. Give yourself a break.

I don't always practice what I preach but I try to give myself a break whenever I can. For the most part, this is how I try to live my life - with balance. And you should too - unless you have a questionable past, I'm assuming you are human (like me) and we humans can't do it all. It's ok to rest and relax once in a while - in fact, we need it.

Some of the things I do when I have a lot of energy are: housekeeping, blog or write articles, take a workout class (have tried Zumba a couple of times and love it!) or go for a walk, go shopping, put on funky music and dance my butt off and/or sing at the top of my lungs, go dancing/to the movies/out for supper, lunch, or coffee/to a fun event/on a quick roadtrip (with friends), make plans and lists, etc.

Some of the things I do when I don't have so much energy and want to relax: read (books and magazines - currently reading The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver and the latest issues of Vogue and Lucky - and the Saturday Globe and Mail if I happen to get a donation from mom), watch tv (current favs include Dexter, Project Runway, ANTM, Grey's Anatomy, Big Bang Theory, and Oprah once in a while - judge me all you want but her Farewell Season shows have been amazing so far!) or movies, take a yoga class (this could also go in the above category), kick around on the interwebs, grab a coffee at Chapters and wander around, call or email a friend, paint my nails, listen to jazz or classical music, etc.

Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to lay on the couch and watch tv. Yesterday I worked a long day, completed a writing test for a job opportunity, and went to choir last night so I've earned it!

What do you do to keep balance in your life? Are you someone who likes balance or not?

Motivation Mondays #3: Finally some progress

Well, starting Week 3 of the lifestyle change, and it feels like Week 10. I think I mentioned something like that last week, about this process seeming to take a while. It's like there's some kind of dieting time continuum that one enters and time multiplies or something equally psychedelic (is that how you spell psychedelic? Considering I'm pretty sure it's not a real word, I'm going to assume I can spell it however I want).

Anyway, the good news is I lost 2 lbs last week! I'm not really sure how that happened because the two days I was out of town for work (Wed and Thurs) I totally ate crap like fries and a chicken caesar wrap, potato chips, candy and a bagel with cream cheese. And I hardly excercised at all and I'm mad at myself for it. I walked briefly on the treadmill at the hotel gym on Wed night, but I was pretty tired so could only manage 10 minutes. I did do a few little 10-15 min walks here and there towards the end of the week - to a coffee shop for a date and home Fri night, then to my tailor's house Saturday morning for my dress fitting (see previous post), home, then from parking to the movie theatre Sat night (on a side note, Girl With the Dragon Tattoo was a wicked movie! Would definitely recommend you see it if you don't mind subtitles. They are planning to release a Hollywood version in 2012).

I'm very proud of Sunday - I went for a 40 minute (brisk) walk and did some housework, as well as walked to and from the grocery store later (trucking home a dang heavy bag of food, I might add! It's only about a block away, but still!). Not only that but I made a new batch of veggie soup (really easy - basically chicken broth and a bag of frozen veggies, slow cook for 2-3 hrs - and pretty much no calories, so I take it for lunch every day - sounds really boring but it tastes good and is easy), AND gave a Weight Watchers recipe a try - Mama Mia Veggie Pie. It makes 6 servings and each one is only 3 points, so it's a great dinner option (especially for someone like me who lives alone and doesn't have a big appetite - dinner's covered the whole week!).

Yes, it's true - not only did I cook TWO things AT ONCE, but they turned out edible! For those of you that don't know me, I should say that I hate cooking and I'm not very good at it, so this is a big deal for me. I also tried tofu for the first time, and must say it's not bad.

I have not had a piece of bread since I started this diet challenge! Alas, I have had a couple of bagels, but a couple won't hurt me. Just have to make sure it's a once per week thing (and I used to have one every morning for breakfast, so this is progress!).

There are a couple of hurtles I can already see coming this week - out for dinner tomorrow night at an Italian restaurant (read: pasta, pasta, pasta...and bread) but I think my mom and I are going to get a healthy appetizer (salad or something) and split an entree to keep the calorie count down. Also, Friday night I'm going to dinner and out dancing with my two best buds for one of their bdays, so I have visions of sweet potato fries and alcoholic drinks dancing in my head. Honestly I'm not going to fret too much over Friday night - I'll let myself indulge and have a good time. It's been so long since we've gone out dancing and it's a fun occasion. At least I know it's coming and can try my best to be good the rest of the week!

I'm finding more and more that food isn't my issue though, it's actually excercise and fitting that in! I always thought it was the complete opposite, but I'm having real trouble fitting activity in, at least enough to equal the recommended amount for weight loss (30 mins per day). My friend and I are going for a walk in a local park tomorrow after work, so that should be an hour or so, plus I need to try and either do the gym or a walk at lunch on Wed and Thurs. I'm supposed to get a call about a job interview, however, so it depends on when that is. Need to kick myself in the butt in this regard.

One thing that I think will help this is two of my friends started a Facebook group called The League and the three of us invited our prospective friends to join. We are aiming to plan group events each month throughout the spring/summer (and hopefully beyond!) to get outside, meet new people, and see some of the fun and interesting things our province/region has to offer! Our first planned outing is a hike at Duncan's Cove, and I for one can't wait! I'm also planning on joining the Chebucto Hiking Club, which only costs like $10 for a whole year's membership, and they plan 2-3 hikes a month of differing difficulty and location. I'm hoping this will be another great way to get outside, meet new people, and get some exercise! I'm really excited for these new developments, and I'm slowly learning not to be so hard on myself if I slip here and there. It's all a part of the journey.

I'm obviously really excited that I lost 2 lbs too! Haven't really noticed results in how I look yet, but I definitely feel better - have more energy and don't feel bloated/fat so much so that's great! Thanks so much for all the wonderful comments, by the way! It feels great to have people out there cheering you on, or sharing their own frustrations. Please keep sharing your experiences and tips - any feedback is welcome.

Until next week!

Starting weight: 173lbs
Current weight: 170.8lbs
Weight lost to date: Approx. 2.5 lbs

Motivation Mondays #2: One week down, one million to go

So, week 1 of the weight loss project is officially done. At first, it went really well and I felt really good about it, but by the end of the week, instead of 5 or 6 days it had felt like 50.

I actually did quite well Monday to Thursday - I only went over my daily points slightly here and there and ate very healthily at work. I brought veggie soup (zero points!) each day for lunch, and fruit/veggies, low-fat items for snacks. I had good dinners too - mostly rice and chicken, and sushi one night (which actually is not bad - only 4 pts for 12 small pieces!) and didn't have any sweets or bread.

Then on Friday, we had a staff meeting over lunch and they ordered Quizno's subs and sweets. This is a much healthier lunch than, say, Swiss Chalet or pizza, especially since the subs were quite small (about a quarter of a sub). However, I ended up having 5 of them plus several cookie pieces and squares (probably about 6 altogether). Ugh I was so mad at myself! Sweets are the worst for me - that's the hardest thing to resist when it's put right in front of me. I brought my usual soup and such that day too, and could have heated it up and eaten that instead. I realize you have to allow yourself a treat once in a while, but I went overboard. Plus, I really wanted to diet 100% for the first two weeks to get a good momentum going for weight loss right out of the gate.

Then that night I got together with friends and ate pizza. We DID go for for an hour long walk in the park with my friend's dog, so I got a good workout there, but the next day (Saturday) is what really did me in. I stayed overnight at my friend's, so unfortunately did not have many breakfast choices - I ended up having waffles with syrup and butter (and yogurt) and then we went to a morning movie and I ended up getting popcorn! Movie theatre popcorn with butter and seasoning! Gah! That's like one of the worst things you can eat. I really enjoyed it but I didn't set myself a good precedence for the day and so didn't do very well with eating that afternoon/evening either. Went to another movie late that night with mom and had a frozen yogurt, which I suppose isn't so bad, but still not good. AND I didn't do any exercising.

Sunday, I bounced back a little - had cereal and fruit for breakfast and a stirfry for supper, but I also had 8 crackers with peanut butter and two WW treats (one chocolate brownie and one lemon cake - total of 3 points) but I did do a boot camp workout dvd for 45 mins. Man, that was a workout - I was tired out by the end and some of my muscles hurt today. I was proud that I fit that into my day.

Considering the week I had (minus Friday and Saturday), I assumed I had probably lost at least ONE pound. Heck I would have been happy with only one pound, at least it would be something. But I got on the scale last night and realized I had lost only 0.6 OF A POUND! My first reaction, literally, was WTF?! I mean I didn't do amazing this week but I sure ate better and exercised more than I usually do and I lost HALF A POUND?! Really?!

*sigh*

I know, I know, I shouldn't let it get me down - at least I didn't GAIN weight, it's only the first week, blah blah blah...but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. I didn't lose sleep over it or anything - I'm not naive; I know that it's going to take a bit of time before I see major weight loss, but still there was a part of me that thought I had lost a couple of lbs and was hoping for that. I need to learn not to expect this obviously because my disappointment causes me to get down on myself and eat bad foods - like I did this morning with a bagel and cream cheese. I should have known this would be a problem for me - I tend to put high expectations on myself (not intentionally!). But all that aside, I still can't believe I didn't at least lost one pound. I might as well have lost nothing. And I have to put at least SOME high expectations on myself or I won't achieve anything! If I just say, "oh, it's ok, you don't have to work that hard or put that much thought into your diet" than I won't eat right or exercise at all!

I know I'm being a real downer, but I can't help but be disappointed. Ultimately, it's "whatever"; tomorrow's another day, this is another week and I'm the last person to let a setback get in my way. I'm going to get back on the horse and try again, try even harder. But for now, I'm mad at myself and disappointed and I'm going to allow myself (and ask that you please allow me, without judgment) to sit in this moment of self-pity for a while. In a wierd way, it might actually be motivating.

I think a problem for me is going to be social eating - eating out with friends or having lunch with a group. It's obviously hard for me to participate in these kinds of things in moderation. I don't believe I should just NOT participate in this kind of eating, but I need to work harder to prevent overindulgence - to have one or two subs instead of 5 and no sweets. To eat a salad first to fill me up and prevent me from eating too much pizza. Or to work in a longer, more instense workout that day to balance my overeating. I really like hanging out with friends to eat, or whatever, and want to focus on enjoying the company and not what I'm eating, but at the same time I have to make sure I don't reach for food and put it in my mouth mindlessly. That will have to be a long term goal of mine.

As for a short-term goal (i.e. just this week), I think I'm going to try and exercise more. I think the dieting is enough to maintain where I'm at (i.e. not put any EXTRA pounds on) and/or take off a bit, but I need to exercise a bit more to have more noticeable poundage come off. I did probably 4 workouts last week, but a couple of them were really only 20 mins or so and that's not really enough to make a difference. I won't go nuts or anything, but I'm going to try my best to work out for 40 + mins 4 times this week. I need to stop making excuses and kick myself in the butt harder! Hopefully the scale will tell a different story this time next week.

Starting weight: 173lbs
Current weight: 172.4 lbs
Weight lost: .6 lbs

Motivation Mondays #1: The Beginning of a New Me

I've had a bit of an epiphany in the past week or so. I have been wanting to lose weight for a while now; in the 7 years since I graduated from high school I've gradually put on about 40-50 lbs of extra fat and I would guess about 15-20lbs of that in the past two years or so. I know it's due to life changes and therefore stress causing me to eat more, and eat more crap. Plus, once I got into University I just became more busy and more sedentary.

I currently stand at 173 lbs according to the new scale I bought yesterday. Which means my BMI is in the 30's (for the record for my age and height it should be between 20-25). Yikes.

Since I have a small frame, I look smaller than I do; I know you're thinking "lucky you", but this is not necessarily a good thing because it means I didn't realize how big and unhealthy I truly was until it got way out of hand. I haven't been happy with my body for years now but the real wake-up call has finally come to me.

For one, Wednesday afternoon in Boston I literally went out and walked ALL DAY. I've done this before so this is nothing new, but the difference this time is I felt like I had been run over by a truck by the time I got back to the hotel in the evening. My ankles and legs/hips hurt and were so stiff I had trouble walking the rest of my time there. Sure, it's only natural to feel tired and worn out after walking all day but someone who is only 25 years old and in good health should NOT be having joint pain and should not be THAT tired. It was not only my legs, but my back and neck that felt the tension. To make a long story short, this trip made me realize how out of shape I really am. I mean I knew I was, but didn't realize the extent. I've totally been in denial.

For two, I was in a clothing store last week and tried on a pair of pants I really wanted (and were not cut slim, I might add) and found that the Size 14 did not fit. It was so tight around my butt and hips I could barely get them up. When faced with putting on a Size 16, I was completely disgusted. I've never had to wear that size in my entire life. Now, I realize that different stores' clothes are sized differently and that everyone has different body types; I'm not trying to say that anyone who wears a Size 16 is disgusting - ABSOLUTELY NOT. You can be just as healthy at a Size 16 as at a Size 8 - it depends on your build. But this was a store that that sells clothes made for curvy women, first of all, and second of all I'm only 5 feet tall and have a small frame so a Size 16 for me is not normal.

Furthermore, I am starting to carry a large amount of my extra fat on my tummy, and not only does this make me feel unattractive, it's also extremely dangerous to my health considering heart disease runs in my family, and carrying fat around the middle is a huge risk factor for heart problems.

Needless to say I left that store in a bad mood and with no new pants under my arm. I was angry with myself and fed up with feeling fat and tired. I decided I really needed to make a change, and make it now before I develop chronic health problems, like diabetes, that I'm stuck with for life. Also, my best friend's wedding is in June and I don't want to look at the wedding photos for years to come and just be thinking about how fat I look (how sad would that be?!).

These experiences and thoughts were stewing in my mind when I read a blog post by one of my favourite bloggers, Selective Potential, about her experience losing 35+ lbs and doing it all on her own with Weight Watchers. I am NOT someone who believes in fad diets - I believe the only way to truly lose weight in a healthy way is by eating right (and in smaller portions) and exercising. I'm also not someone who likes rules or being told what to do, and I have to have freedom and flexibility in my life or I go insane. I'm also notoriously impatient and bad at sticking with things; it's not strange for me to give something a week then give it up when I don't see results like INSTANTLY. So, you can imagine how well my personality lends itself to diet and exercising.

However, one thing about me is that once something becomes routine for me, I can stick with it really well. Reading Tieka's story, and talking to my mom (who has done WW a few times before) made me realize that doing WW on my own could be just the thing that works for me. Yes, you have "rules" and have to record whatever you eat, but you also have flexibility; you can essentially eat what you want, you just need to watch portion control, and balance out the "bad" things with the good. You don't have to live like a rabbit and eat lettuce all day. Plus, all of the points values for foods are already laid out for you, so there's no guessing. You just look up the food item and record the number. Also, you have some extra points each week that you can dip into, so if you want to go out to a pub with friends and have a plate of fries you can, as long as you do it in moderation. You can still live your life and enjoy eating.

Aside from this, WW will provide me some accountability more than anything - having to write down what I eat each day will keep me "honest" and will allow me to see what exactly I'm putting in my body (which is something that's easy to ignore). Plus, my mom is going to do it with me so I will be accountable to her as well. We've agreed to talk each day about what we ate and any issues we have experienced. If I have a deathly craving, I know I can call her and she'll talk me out of it. It will be really motivating to have a "buddy" to keep me on track and share my success with.

So, starting today I will be recording everything I eat and the points values, and completing 30-40 minutes of activity daily. I would like to ultimately get down to about 125lbs, as that is considered a healthy weight for my height and age, but I know if I focus on losing 50 lbs in a certain timeframe that I will just be intimidated and disconcerted and have no chance of sticking with it. Instead, I'm only focusing on the first two weeks and the first 10lbs. I'm giving myself two weeks to be really good, to stick 100% to my diet and exercise plan. I figure if I can make it through the first two weeks, I will be more likely to stick with it in the long term because it will become routine. Plus, I figure losing 5 lbs in that amount of time is realistic and doing this will be both a boost to my ego and make a huge change in how I feel and look. 10lbs will make an even bigger difference, and because it is a perfectly attainable starting goal, won't overwhelm me and cause me to give up before seeing any results. I hope to lose 10lbs in the next month to 6 weeks and I'm not allowing myself to buy ANY new clothes until I reach that goal. I figure you can never have too much incentive!

I should mention for the record that this will be more about how I feel and how my clothes fit than the number on the scale. Scales and numbers can be deceiving and depend on many factors. I'm really just hoping to see a noticeable difference in how I look and feel in the next 4-6 weeks. I know I'm not as confident a person as I could be because I'm really not happy with how I look and feel. As shallow as it sounds, this affects how I interact with others and how I present myself. I'm not naive and think that losing 10, 20 or even 40lbs will cure all of my self-consciousness and make my entire life better, but I'm just hoping that I will gain at least gain some confidence and will feel more comfortable putting myself out there.

Wow, sorry to blab on. I usually am long-winded (no wonder no one reads this silly blog!) but I'm more so today because I'm really excited about this! I really feel like I'm going to stick with it this time. I realize it's only day 1 and I'm prepared for my motivation to go down the tubes in coming days, but I feel deep-down I really really want it this time, and that's going to make all the difference. I plan on writing a post each Monday with my results, thoughts, worries, accomplishments and issues from the previous week as this will be another great motivator for me and a way to share my experience as I'm sure there are many others like me out there who are struggling with weight as well. Not to say that my way is the right way - I really believe you have to find the right plan for you, tailored to your lifestyle and personality - but it's one way. I'm not exactly proud of the fact that I've let myself get to this size and have taken my health so for granted, but at least I'm taking charge now, and again it all goes back to accountability and writing my experiences on this blog will be another "check-and-balance".

In fact, I'd really appreciate any comments you have about your own experiences along these lines. Have you had similar weight issues? What did you do or are you doing to combat this? Please feel free to share - we are all in this together!

Wish me luck! New me - here I come!

Jagged Little Pill

One of my favourite blogs posted a link today to a great jewelry company called Cast of Vices. The items inspired by pharmaceutical products particularly caught my eye, including this one:

The Cast of Vices website states the following: "Born out of a desire to create artifacts out of our vices, Cast of Vices celebrates the inherent design asthetic of these substances while casting a critical eye on pop culture and our obsession with self-medication and addiction."

I was immediately struck with the fascinating uniqueness of their pieces, and my interest was piqued even further after reading this mission statement. Obviously, since I work for a retail pharmacy company and there is a history of pharmaceuticals in my family (as in employment, not injestion; my mother works in clinical research and my grandfather, her father, was a pharmacist way back when), I find anything related to this field interesting on some level. I can relate to it. Also, I'm attracted to things I've never seen before, everyday things reimagined in new and interesting ways; ways that push the envelope or the level of the status quo a little bit.

Both parts of the statement above speak to me in different ways: for one, I had never thought before about the "inherent design asthetic" of pharmaceutical products, but once I read that statement and thought about it, I realized how true it is! Picture a pill - just your average capsule or tablet - and you will realize how pleasing to the eye the shape is; they are smooth, geometric, sometimes have graphic design on top of them or come in bright, vibrant colours; they come in every shape and size you could think of. This could be pushing it a little, but in a way they are like mini pieces of art. And considering your average pharmacy fills hundreds of prescriptions a day, it's mind-boggling how many of them are out there at any given time, and in the possession of many different types of people. Not just mini art pieces, but mini art pieces for the masses!

This statement struck me on another level with the statement referring to "our obsession with self-medication and addiction". This is a harsh-but-true statement about society today. Since, essentially, I work for pharmacists, you would think that I would be all for giving medications, and many of them, to everyone all the time but alas it's the opposite. Obviously I'm not AGAINST medications - sometimes they are needed, and some of them have resulted in great strides in the management and control of certain disorders and sicknesses; they have made millions of people feel better and lead more productive lives, and continue to every day. Trust me, I have gladly and thankfully consumed my share of medications when really sick or in pain! However, I do feel that our tendency in dealing with medical problems is to "throw a pill at it", i.e. write a prescription, or take a medication of some kind over-the-counter as a knee-jerk reaction, sometimes without really thinking about whether or not it's the best way to go.

Nowadays, there is such a huge industry built up around medications it is almost impossible to point a finger of blame in any one direction - each and every one of us perpetuates it in a way. Now, if I were to place pharmacists on the "blame scale" for this issue, I would honestly place them somewhere near the bottom, which I obviously realize is biased since I work with them, but the fact is I do have first-hand knowledge of the work they do every day to assist patients with their medications. Not that other medical professionals don't help patients as much, but lets be honest here, pharmacists are merely filling the scripts given to them/the patient by doctors. Something to think about.

Anyway, regardless of whose at fault, it's a problem that won't be going away anytime soon because too many are making too much money from it, which is rather sad.

I could go on and on about this issue, including the (known, yet overlooked) corruptive activities that go on behind closed doors between pharmaceutical companies and medical professionals, but I don't want to go off on a rant from atop my high horse. I merely thought it was interesting that a company like Cast of Vices is addressing such an important and timely issue in society in their own unique (and slightly subversive) way. All I will say is that when I get sick, unless I absolutely need a pill to get better, I prefer to not take one. In most cases of illness (obviously of the non-chronic and/or serious variety), rest and fluids, and perhaps a few doses of an anti-imflammatory such as Acetaminophen or Ibuprofen, will make you as good as new in no time. Sure, throwing a narcotic at it might help too, but that may not necessarily be the best solution.

My grandmother takes a whole load of pills, and most of them she has no idea what they are or what they are for. She takes them because she was told to. How many of your medications do YOU really need?

Aside from this bitter diatribe, I totally want to buy this bracelet! It would certainly be a hit in my office, I imagine! (or Mother's Day??)