Ball of Confusion

I've been taking a little break from the blog and other social media (aside from a couple of facebook and twitter updates) because I've had a lot going on in my personal life and, to be honest, was not feeling very inspired or motivated to write.

On top of adjusting to this new temp job, while also continuing to look for permanent work and dealing with being completely broke, my cat became sick this past weekend. She's been having "litter box" issues for a few months now, but I had her urine tested (and no infection found) and the incidences have been very sporadic and her other habits have remained normal so I didn't think anything of it.

Until last Saturday. I won't go into every detail as it's a long story but suffice to say I had to take her to the vet, and long story short the xray and blood tests they did discovered a "mass" (most likely a tumour) in her belly, as well as an infection in her bowel. To treat this tumour and get her healthy again would require major surgery, with no guarantee it would even work. Not to mention it would be traumatizing to her mind and body, especially considering she's somewhere between 15 and 17 years old. To put her through this would be cruel, not to mention exhorbinantly expensive at a time when I can barely afford a bus pass.

So, considering what the future most likely held, the medical opinions I received and discussions I had with family members, I decided that the best thing to do would be to put her down. I was very upset and tense over the weekend, but I knew it had to be done. I feel lucky that she was well enough to bring home for a few days so that I could spend time with her, and that's just what I did from Sunday to Thursday when the deed was actually done. Being in the room and holding her while they injected her and even leaving her in the room when it was all over was extremely painful, but in the end I felt relief; relief that she was no longer going to suffer and that we caught her illness in time that she was able to go in a quiet, comfortable, unrushed way.

I couldn't help but think if I had gone out of town last Saturday morning as I originally planned, or I hadn't been home when she showed the signs of serious illness that appeared that day, that I might have continued on oblivious to her condition for what could have been weeks or months while she slowly deteriorated inside only to come home one day to find her half dead (or fully dead) on the floor and have to put her down very abruptly without having time to come to terms with it. That is such a blessing. And it was also a huge blessing that my mom was around and happened to have the money to pay for her tests last weekend, otherwise I would have had to walk out of that clinic without finding anything out about her condition.

Life is funny sometimes. It's also strange because only the day before (last Friday), I had lunch with a friend and we had a chat about how we'd both love to take off and move somewhere but have all these reasons why we can't. The main reason I discussed was...well, the cat. When it came right down to it she presented various complicated obstacles to my mobility and freedom, as crass as it sounds. I would OF COURSE never wish for something like this to happen as I loved that cat with all my heart and will miss her terribly, but I can't help but think "hmmmm...interesting". The timing is amazingly coincidental since I'm currently in a kind of "limbo" where I'm thinking alot about my future and re-evaluating what direction I want to go in next. Going away to work and school has been one of the ideas at the forefront of my mind (well, has been for a while now) and I can't help but think the combination of trouble finding work in my field, and the unfortunate loss of Nutty is somehow a sign that this is the time for me to make a change. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but sometime in the near future.

I don't know, I'm sort of rambling here - I'm a reflective person by nature, but this time in my life has forced me to be even more reflective than usual - but I guess all I'm trying to get at is that this is all for the best and everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that about life.

Anyway, I am still not feeling the most motivated and inspired, but I do feel better than I did. For the most part, I'm done with moping around and worrying and wishing. I'm going to start being proactive! I have various projects on the brain that I want to research and explore, and I feel this is the perfect time to do this. I know if I just stay positive and make a plan for myself and just GO FOR IT instead of worrying that I'll be fine. I'll get my inspiration and motivation back. This time is a test for me - a test of my resolve and how resourceful and perserverant I can be. This is another thing I truly believe about life - that we get bad things thrown at us as a kind of "test" of our character, and that we don't get anything thrown at us that we can't, deep-down inside, handle.

I can't say when I'll get back to my regular blogging, social media, writing schedule but I know it will be soon. You haven't seen the end of me yet! Au contrare, it's only the beginning!

As some smart gal I know always says, I just gotta keep on rollin'.